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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25778029">Follow My Voice</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/candlejill/pseuds/candlejill'>candlejill</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Through the Dark Turns and Noise [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>IT (Movies - Muschietti)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Blow Jobs, Bottom Eddie Kaspbrak, Coming Out, Divorce, Eddie Kaspbrak Lives, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff, Gay Bar, Homophobic Language, M/M, Office Blow Jobs, POV Alternating, Post-IT Chapter Two (2019), Shower Sex, Stanley Uris Lives, Top Richie Tozier, Unbeta'd I'm so sorry, mostly post chapter two, there is still conflict and drama, this is like the fluffiest fluff i dont know how to tag it</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 08:29:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>39,310</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25778029</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/candlejill/pseuds/candlejill</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Though they survive, the events that took place in Derry leave the Losers with new scars and a sense of urgency.</p><p>Life is to be lived and regrets are meant to be learned from.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Through the Dark Turns and Noise [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1838323</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>218</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Tags will be updated accordingly and chapters will be posted as I edit them. This is a mostly finished fic that I will try to update weekly.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Eddie</b>
</p><p> </p><p>“So wait, Eddie, you got married?”</p><p>“Yeah. Why’s that so fuckin’ funny, dickwad?”</p><p>“What, like, to a woman?”</p><p>
  <em> Shit.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Fucking shit. </em>
</p><p>Eddie feels like he can’t breathe for several reasons. The first of which, he is back in fucking Derry, Maine, which is cranking his anxiety to an eleven. The second, and none less terrifying, is Richie fucking Tozier sitting near him, teasing him about having a wife. </p><p><em> Is he teasing? Is he inquiring? </em> He berates himself for the thought. Of course he isn’t fucking <em> inquiring. </em></p><p>“Fuck you, bro,” he fires back instead. Something about it feels natural despite the panicking flutter in his chest.</p><p>Somewhere deep down, Eddie knows why he’s asking. He <em> thinks </em> he knows. Because it <em> feels </em> like there’s a motive behind the question.</p><p>Like a fuzzy blur just out of reach. Like he’s supposed to understand there’s more to the joke than the obvious, but he can’t quite grasp it. And the longer he sits in the Jade of the Orient, the faster memories come to him. Deeply in his gut he knows there is a reason why his heart pounded so hard when he first saw Richie across the restaurant. More alarmingly, there <em> has </em> to be a reason why he watches his comedy specials, even though he hates them. And why he rants at Myra for hours about Richie, remembering only vaguely that they grew up together, but always accompanied with a faint sense of fond exasperation.</p><p>But he can feel something big there, right under the surface now, and he’s not ready to admit to himself what it might mean. Eddie just knows that he’s always had a strange fascination for the man. It wasn’t so weird to absently follow his career, just as he followed Bill’s, and he got a rush of adrenaline witnessing both of their successes when mentioned by the media.</p><p>Stan’s chiming in between them, “You guys seriously need to get a room.”</p><p>“I don’t think they mind an audience,” Bev says, winking to Richie.</p><p>Richie’s eyes go wide at that and his mouth drops a little. </p><p>“You guys remember Woodstock, right?” Bev asks.</p><p>“Woodstock ‘94! Shit, that’s right,” Eddie furrows his brow as the memory slams into him strong. The rain. The mud. Nine Inch Nails and Richie’s hand down his-</p><p>
  <em> Fuck, that’s right.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Holy shit. </em>
</p><p>Richie Tozier jerked him off at a Nine Inch Nails concert.</p><p>
  <em> Fuck. </em>
</p><p>Bev starts, “The drive back-"</p><p>
  <em> Motherfucker. </em>
</p><p>He remembers the drive back, cuddling up to Richie. Kissing him in the back seat of Ben’s van in front of everyone. And making out with him in his bed with Bev next to them-</p><p>
  <em> Fuck! </em>
</p><p>“Bev and I fucked in high school!” Richie interrupts, and Eddie swears he's never been more grateful for Richie in his life. “Oh, wow. I, like, totally just remembered that. So weird.”</p><p>She laughs but throws down her chopsticks to cross her arms. She and Richie are looking at each other intently but whatever silent battle they’re having, she seems to lose.</p><p>“No way!” Mike says. “No way do I believe that, Richie.”</p><p>“No, it’s true,” he insists.</p><p>Eddie’s just relieved the topic has changed from Woodstock. He wonders how much Richie remembers? How much he regrets.</p><p>“When?” Bill asks, shaking his head with a small smile in disbelief.</p><p>“Senior year,” Stan says with a grin.</p><p><em> “You </em> knew about this?” Mike asks incredulously. “No, no no. Bev, tell me this isn’t true. I thought you had <em> taste.” </em></p><p>“Hey!” Richie protests. “Be nice to her. It was a dark period in her life,” he throws back a drink.</p><p>“Actually, it was very sweet, Richie,” she’s smiling but there’s a spark of something teasing in her eye.</p><p>“Wait, you’re actually serious?” Bill points between them, “You and <em> Richie? </em> You’re not messing with us?” </p><p>That’s one Eddie remembers. Finding out. Feeling obsessed with it, and the jealous buzz that settled in his heart that wouldn’t fade all summer. “After the spring dance,” he remembers out loud. “He wouldn’t even spill the details right after it happened.”</p><p><em> “You </em> knew too?” Ben asks this time.</p><p>Eddie nods sheepishly, that memory and others are still bubbling. Too many and too quickly, like he can’t hold onto them all. Knocking knees in the hammock, wet bodies sliding past in the water, and this feeling of invincibility he’s never been able to recapture since the days of his youth.</p><p>“You wanted <em> details?” </em> Bev leans in, appalled. She has a right to be, he figures.</p><p>“No! Not like that!” Eddie tries to save himself by taking a drink of water. And yeah, it had been exactly like that. They all loved Bev, sue him for being a teenage boy and wondering what it was like. But the morbid curiosity that had possessed him hadn’t only been due to his curiosity of sex, but also because of how much he wanted Richie.</p><p>And, fuck. </p><p>He just remembered how much he wanted Richie. </p><p>The inconsolable dread of a future without him had weighed so heavily by the end of summer. How had twenty-odd years passed barely remembering, when he was certain he would have died without him? The sudden weight of the memory feels cruel. </p><p>He chances looking, but Richie’s already fighting off Bev with a smile. It’s just like when they were kids, the easy way they touch. Bev’s thousands of miles out of Richie’s league but he has an easy way with her like it’s nothing. It’s a comfort Eddie’s never known, except maybe with Richie as well. And maybe it's Richie that makes everyone feel like that? </p><p>“How long were you guys together that year?” Ben asks softly.</p><p>Bev and Richie both stare at him in blank confusion with brows furrowed, then hurriedly say together, “No! No, no. No.”</p><p>“Uh, <em> how long </em> were we together?” Richie repeats the question. “What would you say, Bev? Like ten minutes?”</p><p>“Oh, honey. <em> Two.” </em> Laughter rings out through the room. “A drunken, very virginal, two minutes, babe.”</p><p>“Normally I’d say ‘fuck you’ but, uh- you’ve already had the Richie Tozier experience. I’ll have to take my big dick and those two minutes and save them for the next lucky lady.”</p><p>Eddie laughs but it falls suddenly when he has another flash of a memory- Richie’s head between his legs, sucking him off, and <em> fuck </em>. He stands abruptly. “Uh, excuse me,” he says to the table and runs to the bathroom to throw water on his face. </p><p>That was a thing that happened. Richie fucking <em> Trashmouth </em> Tozier blew him that last summer, and suddenly he was realizing what his weird obsession had been with him his whole career. </p><p>He’d been in love with him. </p><p>He had <em> loved </em> Richie and then forgotten about him, and it didn’t make any sense. How could he forget that? Only to be vaguely tormented by the idea of him through time and space and fucked up amnesia. </p><p>Maybe he was having a stroke?</p><p>Maybe it was some kind of PTSD and he’d blocked out the prospect of being in love with a <em>man, </em>and one who in all likelihood hadn’t loved him back.</p><p>
  <em> Fuck! </em>
</p><p>Now he was expected to laugh and interact like it was nothing. And sure. He could do that. Why not? It was over twenty years ago that they’d seen each other last. A lot changes in twenty years. It’s just kind of a lot to have the memories hit him all at once. Normally that’s something he would have had twenty years to cope with instead of repress. But whatever. He can handle it.</p><p>When he calms himself and returns to the table, he does his best to drown his fears with the alcohol that’s suddenly become plentiful. Finding a comfortable fog in it, now when they banter it feels unreal. His heart is a mess. His chest aches from the memories, and Eddie’s calling Richie a dipshit like it’s a term of endearment, because for them it is. </p><p>And he remembers this now. He remembers being annoyed as hell, kicking at his feet, fighting back just to shut him up. </p><p>But Richie never did. He dished out harder than before, never knowing when to stop. And Eddie had loved him for it.</p><p>They arm wrestle at the table and Eddie’s teasing him right back, revealing too much to everyone, but somehow he thinks they understand. Or at least remember that this is who they are, Richie and Eddie. This is what they do. Despite the tactic to distract him, Richie wins and he takes Eddie’s left hand and traces the scar on his palm when they’re done. Because that’s what he used to do back then.</p><p>Eddie loses his breath.</p><p>He remembers this now too. The way he’d hold his hand and trace his scar to comfort him. And how Richie and the rest of the gang have the same identical scar. Why do they-</p><p>He stares down at his hand where Richie’s holding it. When he glances up, he meets a panicked look from Richie who drops it immediately. Eddie wonders again what he remembers and how much he regrets. </p><p>
  <em> He has a girlfriend, right? Isn’t that what he says in his show?  </em>
</p><p>“Uh, sorry,” Richie says awkwardly.</p><p>Eddie tries to smile back, because he really didn’t mind, but he’s pretty sure he fails spectacularly.</p><p>Maybe he regrets it all. Maybe he doesn’t even remember. Why <em> would </em> he remember stupid, angry, high strung Eddie Kaspbrak?</p><p>And Eddie’s married. </p><p>Myra is at home waiting for him. If he looks at his phone, she’s probably already blown it up, so he doesn’t do that. Instead he focuses on trying to both remember and forget that last week in Derry while they were kids.</p><p>Of course, when shit hits the fan and Pennywise makes himself known, and Mike explains the fucked up memory loss and what the hell they’re really doing there, it’s much easier to forget his crush on his least favorite semi-famous comedian.</p><p>There are many times Eddie wants to take the hell off. Drive back to New York. Put as many miles between them as he can. None more so than when he has a fuckin’ blade sticking out of his face. </p><p>He just wants it to be over. To just close his eyes and have it be done, no matter what happens it’ll be over. Let someone else deal with this bullshit, because he can’t do it, and why should he? Why does it fall on them?</p><p>When they find a moment back at the Townhouse after they’ve all collected their tokens, they all grab themselves a drink and wait for Bill. </p><p>Richie sits next to him on the step, and reaches out, “I can’t believe you got stabbed in the face.”</p><p>Eddie slaps his hand away, “How’s being a member of the Homicidal Axe Murderers Club treating you, dipshit?” He hasn’t had much time to think about his crush since his breakdown at the Jade, but his heart races a little with Richie so close. And it really shouldn’t. They all have much bigger issues to deal with.</p><p>“It wasn’t murder, man. It was self defense,” Richie says. “He was gonna kill Mike. He almost <em> did </em> kill you. Think I’d get a little appreciation here.”</p><p>“Hey! I held my own,” he furrows his brow. He did. He fucking stabbed him in the chest.</p><p>“You’re gonna have a sweet scar,” Richie conceded. “What the hell did you tell your wife when you came here? What’s she gonna say when you show up looking like a Bond villain?” </p><p>“Christ, she’s gonna kill me, dude. If Pennywise doesn’t get me first, I’m fuckin’ dead when I get home.”</p><p>Richie takes a drink from the glass in his hand and a quiet moment settles between them. “What are you gonna do when we get out of here?” Richie asks finally.</p><p><em> “If </em> we get out of here?” Eddie corrects.</p><p>“We’re gonna get out of here, dude.”</p><p>“Richie! We’re trying to kill a fucking alien with god powers, you think we can survive this? Are you fucking nuts?”</p><p>“We made it out as kids. Think this asshole is stronger than us? A bunch of fuckin’ bedwetters took him down last time. But fine- <em>if</em> we survive- what’s the first thing you want to do?</p><p>“Get the fuck out of Derry.”</p><p>Richie raises his glass to that.</p><p>Eddie doesn’t know how to look him in the eye. How to face the memories they shared as kids with the man in front of him. He lifts his head and admits, “Divorce my wife. Leave my job. Leave the East Coast. Literally anything other than what I’ve been doing for the last two decades.” It’s not what he expects to say, but it falls from his mouth to easily to be anything but the truth. “I don’t mean that,” he panics. Eddie feels just as surprised as Richie looks. “I don’t know why I said that.” He does though. He feels trapped in his life, like a slow suffocation, and he wants out. Knowing it could all end makes the feeling of regret even worse. “What about you?” He hurries to take a drink from his glass.</p><p>“I’m supposed to be in fucking Reno. Can you believe that shit? Think they’ll let an axe murderer on a plane?”</p><p>“Right back on that road? No big life changes after this?”</p><p>“Might have a few in mind. Have to see when we make it out, I guess. Maybe sell the story to TMZ, make a few thou for all my pain and suffering.”</p><p>“You tell the real story, they’ll lock you up, dude,” Eddie laughs into his drink. “You can probably cash in on killing Bowers, though.”</p><p>“Fuck,” Richie sighs, “I’m not looking forward to dealing with <em>that</em> publicity.” </p><p>They talk easily after the buzz of alcohol settles in, but once Bill returns everything crumbles.</p><p>It happens fast.</p><p>Too fast. </p><p>They’re on their way to Neibolt and Eddie can’t catch his breath. </p><p>Then Richie’s nearly dying in front of him. He’s frozen on the spot and helpless against it and it’s everything <em> It </em> wants, and Eddie’s just giving in. He’s supposed to be better than this, isn’t he? But it’s all too much to ask. Luckily better people than him are there to save Richie. But Richie doesn't hold it against him, even though he should.</p><p>Somewhere in the depths of Derry, Richie is no longer just a D-list comedian Eddie’s been oddly obsessed with. Eddie remembers everything about this person he loved, and Richie’s holding onto him, telling him he’s brave, and Eddie might even believe him, because he remembers him now. How could he ever have forgotten? And if Richie believes in him then maybe it's true.</p><p>He thinks, if they get out alive maybe he’ll even be brave enough to tell him. </p><p>But when Richie’s getting stuck in the deadlights he doesn’t think he’ll ever have the chance-</p><p>And Stan’s getting stabbed by alien pincers- </p><p>And Eddie’s being thrown unconscious across the cavern- </p><p>It all feels too late. </p><p>Only he wakes up to Richie hauling him out over his shoulders while the whole fucking place is caving in.</p><p>They make it out in time, call an ambulance for Stan who, even though was fucking stabbed, is able to make it out, bending over and spilling blood, all on his own.</p><p>When the paramedics assure them that he’ll be okay but he’ll need surgery and there’s nothing they can do for him at the hospital, the rest of the group find themselves at the quarry.</p><p>With his very probable concussion, and the fact that he’s too fuckin’ old and terrified to jump in with the rest of them, Eddie and Richie both walk around to the bank. They lay out the belongings of the group, mostly shoes and cellphones, then they discard their own and wade into the water.</p><p>It’s colder than Eddie remembers but everyone is laughing and his chest feels tight. He hasn’t felt so alive since the last time he was here, and the overwhelming love he feels can never be matched by any other in his life. These friends, <em> the Losers, </em> they are his true family. And out of everything <em> It </em> has done to them, forcing them to forget each other feels like the biggest loss.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Richie</b>
</p><p> </p><p>“Where’d you find cigarettes?” Richie asks.</p><p>Bev tosses him her pack along with a lighter, “Picked some up coming into town. Had a craving when I hit.”</p><p>Richie takes a long drag, holding it in his hand examining it, then exhales, “Fuck. I know what you mean. I’m around smokers all the time, but something about that Derry repressed memory shit hits hard. The second I got here it felt like an itch I couldn’t scratch.” </p><p>He turns and looks over Bev’s face. She’s smiling shyly towards the water and he traces her eyeline, then looks back and gives her a nudge.</p><p>“What?” Bev asks, bumping him back.</p><p>“Look how hot Ben is. Can you believe that shit?” His wet shirt is clinging to his muscles as he’s splashing with the rest of the guys in the water. “Jesus Christ, those muscles. Think he has an eight-pack?”</p><p>“Shut up,” Bev tries to hide a smile, but Richie can see that she’s blushing.</p><p>“You see how heartbroken he was about us sleeping together in high school? He’s probably getting ready to write a soliloquy about the injustice of me sweeping you off your feet for a second time.”</p><p>“Stop it.”</p><p>“Unfortunately, not sure how happily-ever-after we’d be. So before we run away together, you mind if I give it a shot with Ben first?” Richie nods in his direction. “Oh, by the way, I’m gay. I’m, like, really fuckin’ gay.”</p><p>“Yeah, I remember our night together,” Bev gives him a small smile.</p><p>“Thought you might remember that part.” Richie drops his gaze and kicks at a few rocks, feeling oddly somber, “Uh, can you not tell the guys about that?”</p><p>“You know they wouldn’t care, right? You have to know that, Rich.”</p><p>“No, I know. It’s just- Pennywise fucked with me about it and- my career and all-” the excuses aren’t good enough. He knows that. But he did hear about the murder right before they all showed up. He doesn’t know how much was<em> It </em> and how much was Derry, and he doesn’t exactly feel like pressing his luck. If anything it’s still proof that his fears aren’t unfounded.</p><p>“It’s okay,” Bev rubs his back. “I get it.”</p><p>“What else do you remember about that summer?” He tries to be nonchalant but he’s nervous when he asks, afraid of what she might say.</p><p>“Is this you being subtle, trying to see if I remember you and Eddie making out in the van on the way back from Woodstock? <em> Or </em> in your bed, with <em> me </em> in it?”</p><p>“Shit,” Richie sighs. “So, you definitely remember that?”</p><p>“Oh, yeah. I thought I imagined it in the car but when we got back you were all over each other. It was cute.” Bev bites her lip, “We never really had time to talk about it after that. He <em> was </em> your crush right? From the dance? There wasn’t anyone else?”</p><p>He doesn’t want to admit it but at this point there’s no denying it, “Uh, yeah. Maybe don’t tell him that though.”</p><p>She teases, “You don’t think he already knows you <em> like-liked </em> him in high school?”</p><p>“I mean, I don’t know!” Richie drops his hands. “Who the hell knows what he thinks. You and I had sex and it’s not like you assumed I was crazy about you.”</p><p>“That was different and you know it.” Smiling sadly, she asks, “You still like him, don’t you?”</p><p>Richie takes a deep breath, “I’m really fuckin’ gay, Bev. And I’m really fuckin’ gay for Eddie Kaspbrak. Jesus, what I wouldn’t give to suck his dick.”</p><p>“Wow,” she says.</p><p>“Hey, man. You asked!” </p><p>“You gonna tell him? He might just let you.” </p><p>“Fuck, no! He’s married. I’m not a dick.” He can practically feel her raised eyebrow. “Okay, I’m a dick. But I wouldn’t do that.”</p><p><em> “I’m </em> married,” she admits. “I’m not gonna let that stop me,” she nods to Ben.</p><p>“Shit,” Richie breathes, “but are you staying married?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>Scratching his head, Richie says, “Well, pretty sure Eddie isn’t getting a divorce. At least I don’t think. Anyway, I don’t think he’s gay. That summer was-” Richie takes another drag and gestures, “It was just fuckin’ around before college.”</p><p>“That’s not what it was for you.”</p><p>Richie studies the cigarette between his fingers then flicks it into the water, “It’s different for me.”</p><p>“Might not be,” Bev offers.</p><p>“He married a <em> woman, </em> Bev.”</p><p>“You have a <em> girlfriend, </em> Rich. <em> ” </em></p><p>“I have <em> jokes </em> about a girlfriend. I don’t <em> actually </em>have one.”</p><p>The splashing and laughing gets louder and Richie looks up in time to see Eddie coming their way.</p><p>“Here he is,” Bev whispers in a sing-song voice.</p><p>“Be cool. Be cool! Don’t fucking say anything,” he pleads.</p><p>She laughs, “How did you keep this from everyone for all those years?”</p><p>“I’m out of practice,” he defends.</p><p>“Hey, Eds!” She calls out with a wave. </p><p>He trots over, wet shirt clinging to his body, and all Richie can think about is getting his hands underneath it. He can see the muscle stretching and wonders what his filled out chest feels like and what the pattern of hair beneath the fabric looks like now. God, he wants to get his mouth over every inch of his skin-</p><p>“-go to the hospital.”</p><p>“What’s that?” Richie lifts his eyebrows innocently.</p><p>“I’m freakin’ out about my cut man. Fuckin’ around in the sewers and now this,” he gestures to the quarry. “I have to get my face looked at and I’m gonna check up on Stan. Just gonna stop at the Inn for a change of clothes.”</p><p>“Want some company? I’ll check behind the shower curtain for you. Axe anyone waiting to give you a matching scar for the other side.” The smile Eddie returns to him makes his stomach jump.</p><p>“Yeah, Rich. Thanks.”</p><p>“See ya later, boys,” Bev squeezes Richie’s hand before he stands up.</p><p>They walk far enough away from the rest before Eddie starts complaining about walking around town in soaked clothes. It puts a smile on Richie’s face.</p><p>“We did it, man,” Richie offers instead to distract him. “Can you believe it?”</p><p>Eddie flashes a bright smile, “Honestly, I think I’m still in shock.”</p><p>The silence is awkward between them. Without an objective, there isn’t much to say. Richie isn’t good with silences so he says, “I think Bev’s gonna fuck Ben.”</p><p>“Oh yeah!” Eddie agrees. “Did you see the way they were looking at each other? They’re practically fucking right in front of us.”</p><p>“Guess we’ll finally see the exciting conclusion to the Bill-Bev-Ben Show. Never thought it would end this way. I mean, I didn’t remember until a couple days ago, but now that I do. Wow! Some real Sweeps Week shit.”</p><p>Eddie laughs, putting Richie at ease.</p><p>There’s another long pause before Richie says, “So, what are you like these days, Ed?” He jams his hands in his pocket, or tries anyway. They’re wet and it’s hard to get them in. </p><p>“What am I like? I’m boring as shit, you said so yourself.”</p><p>“I was fuckin’ with you, man, come on. Tell me what you do.”</p><p>“I yell at interns and make my company a shit ton of money. And I’m good at it, asshole, so fuck you.”</p><p>“No, but like, in your free time. What do you do for fun?”</p><p>“Free time? Like I have any free time.”</p><p>“You and your wife-” it’s like pulling teeth. Richie just wants to know him again. It’s so bizarre to see the same Eddie he loved right before him, the same anxiety and fears, the same courageous nature hidden beneath it all, just needing to be coaxed out. But he knows nothing about this man at his side.</p><p>“She’s like my mom-” Eddie says with a sigh. “Fuck I didn’t mean to say that. But Rich, I’m kind of freakin’ the fuck out man. Since we’ve been back, you know, all these memories we’ve had pouring in. All that shit my mom put me through, and when I think about Myra I realize how fucked up it is. And-and I don’t want to go back to that, man. I can’t.”</p><p>Richie doesn’t know what to say. That wasn’t what he was expecting. “You don’t have to, Eddie. You’re a <em>nearly</em> fully grown man. You can go anywhere. Do anything. Fuck, come on tour with me if you want. You could be in Reno by next week.”</p><p>“You’re actually gonna finish your tour?”</p><p>“Shit, yeah. Jason, my manager, he’d kill me if I dropped out.”</p><p>“You actually did kill a guy. Think that’ll give you a pass to cancel some dates.”</p><p>Richie bites his lip. “I’m feeling oddly energized by this experience. I think I just want to be back on stage.”</p><p>“Gonna use the same shitty material, you ghostwriter havin’ hack?”</p><p>“Hey!” Richie kicks at Eddie’s ankles but he jumps out of the way. “Fuck you. And also yeah, probably. It’s tired as fuck but I have to finish the run. Next one will be loaded full of, <em> So I just remembered my best friend is a 5 foot 9 inch tightly wound ball of anxiety. And I mean tight. You could stick a piece of coal up his ass and have diamonds in seconds. Course that’s not the only thing you could stick up his-” </em></p><p>“Whoa! Hey!” Eddie stops walking.</p><p>Richie panics that maybe he took it too far. Maybe they couldn’t joke about that last summer together, or maybe Eddie didn’t remember-</p><p>“I don’t think Stan would appreciate you talking about him like that, man.”</p><p>“Fuck you,” Richie laughs, his chest aches with how much he’s missed this, and he didn’t even realize it.</p><p>“You’d put me in your act?” Eddie’s eyes light up.</p><p>“Only if you roadie for me. You want the limelight, gotta do the work.”</p><p>“What’s the work?” Eddie plays along.</p><p>“You know, moving microphones around and shit. Yelling at stage managers, you’d be good at that. And making sure the brown M&amp;Ms are picked out of the bowl.”</p><p>“You know, Van Halen did that so people didn’t fuckin’ die, you asshole.”</p><p>“Well,<em> I </em> do it to be a dick,” Richie smirks back.</p><p>“Okay, well what else does a Trashmouth roadie do? Enlighten me.”</p><p>“Well, then we have the blow jobs, man. So many blow jobs. I guess that’s really your main priority.”</p><p>“You expect me to blow you?” He has an eyebrow lifted.</p><p>“I don’t make the rules, man! Just the rules of the road-ie.”</p><p>“Pretty sure you do make the rules if they’re <em> your </em> roadies,” Eddie smiles back to him. “I dunno. I don’t think my boss would go for me skipping out on work to follow a D-list celebrity all around the country just to keep him flush with blow jobs.”</p><p>“Yeah? I don’t give a fuck what your boss thinks. What would <em> Eddie </em> think of that?”</p><p>“That I’m too fuckin’ old to be on some tour bus following a D-list celebrity around the country.”</p><p>“Not protesting the blow jobs, interesting,” Richie teases. “I’m making a note of that.”</p><p>“Oh yeah? Take note of this while you’re at it,” Eddie raises his middle finger.</p><p>Richie is biting his lip, trying not to ask if Eddie would consider actually joining his tour if <em> he </em> was the one <em>flush with blow jobs.</em> Because Richie would beg to suck him off nightly and thank him for it afterwards. Instead, he laughs and they’re able to talk easily the rest of the walk to the Townhouse. They shower and dress quickly then Richie drives them to the ER.</p><p>As they sit in the waiting room, he asks, “What do we say about Bowers? Are you gonna tell them it was him?”</p><p>“Fuck, I don’t know. I guess. Shit, that means-”</p><p>“I suppose I’ll be making a statement to the police. Not like my DNA isn’t already all over the place with the inside of my stomach I left there.”</p><p>“It’s like you said, though, it was self defense. He was attacking Mike. Look what he did to my fuckin’ face,” Eddie gestures.</p><p>The nurse calls his name and Richie asks, “You want me to come back with you? Hold your hand while you get stitches?” He says it sarcastically but he means it too.</p><p>“Yeah, dipshit. But only so we can be on the same page about Bowers.”</p><p>They follow the nurse to a small room and Richie waits patiently while they take Eddie’s vitals and he rattles off all his conditions. He tries to suppress a smile but Eddie’s giving him a dirty look so he doesn’t think he succeeds. </p><p>“The doctor will be with you shortly,” the nurse says.</p><p>“Is that five minutes or fifty?” Richie asks. </p><p>“Probably somewhere in between,” she offers honestly as she walks out.</p><p>“Great,” Richie crosses his arm and slouches down in the seat.</p><p>“You don’t have to stay here, Rich.”</p><p>“No,” he sits up straight, “It’s not that. Just, you have a hole in your face, dude. With everything else I guess I wasn’t really thinking about that. Can you, like, stick your tongue through it?”</p><p>“I’m not gonna try!”</p><p>“Maybe we should just get some jewelry for it, huh? Go back to Myra with some bling in your face. Bet it’ll look hot, Eds. Maybe get a couple tattoos, complete the look. Deep down I know you’re a repressed punk ass juvenile.”</p><p>Eddie laughs, “Can forty year olds be juveniles?”</p><p>“Spiritually.” Richie smiles, “I’m serious. You’d look hot all tatted up. I’m putting the tattoo parlor on the next stop.”</p><p>Under the harsh fluorescent lights, Richie notices a blush creep across Eddie’s cheeks. He bites his bottom lip and laughs nervously. But what he says next, Richie isn’t prepared for.<br/><br/>“Richie-” Eddie closes his eyes, “Why didn’t you come back?”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“Over winter break, that first year at college. You said you were going to come back-”</p><p>It’s like a punch to the gut. Richie remembers it clearly now, the haze of Derry finally lifted. “Eds, I tried.” Taking a deep breath, he asks, “What do you remember from that summer before we left?”</p><p>“All of it,” Eddie looks away. He’s blushing still, but his voice is sad. “You were supposed to come home.”</p><p>“I got stuck in a layover because of a blizzard and couldn’t make it. I had to go back to campus.” Richie remembers how devastated he’d been, but he told himself that Eddie wouldn’t mind. That it didn’t mean to him what it meant to Richie. That it was better for Eddie if Richie wasn’t in his life anyway, and by the spring he believed it.</p><p>“Oh,” Eddie said sadly. “I always wondered. Until I forgot-”</p><p>“Would it have made a difference?” Richie found himself asking, needing to know.</p><p>“I-” Eddie worried his lip before spitting out, “I was getting applications to transfer-”</p><p>There is a knock on the door which opens quickly. “Mr. Kaspbrak?”</p><p>But all Richie can think is <em> Eddie would have transferred? </em> </p><p>They’d talked about it but, that’s all it had been, right? Only talk. Richie’s heart races at all the possibilities between them. Everything they missed out on because of the fucking weather. And if he would have known he would have found a way back to Maine-</p><p>“You must be Mr. Kaspbrak,” the doctor introduces himself and pulls a rolling chair next to Eddie, examining the wound.</p><p>Richie only hears the electric buzz of the lights as he says something about stitches and glue. And Eddie replies back like he hadn’t just practically poured his heart out to Richie moments before. And it’s not like any of it matters now, Richie has to remind himself. Eddie’s married. He’s married and he’ll be going home soon. To New York, completely the wrong side of the country.</p><p>His thoughts are interrupted by Eddie’s left hand crossing over and grabbing for his. It’s an awkward angle because the doctor is cleaning the wound on his left cheek, but Richie knows what he’s looking for. </p><p>Muscle memory takes over but when he goes to rub the line on his palm he freezes and looks down. “What the fuck?” he mumbles. “Shit, Eds, look,” as the doctor is preparing a tray for the stitches, Richie flips their palms over.</p><p>Both of their scars are gone.</p><p>“What the fuck?” Eddie mumbles.</p><p>“I guess that means it worked?” Richie says under his breath for Eddie to hear. He rubs at his own palm and feels something like disappointment. It’s not like he wanted a huge fucking scar on his hand, but he’d had it more years than he hadn’t. It was part of him. The good part. Even if he hadn’t remembered exactly what it meant, it had brought him peace.</p><p>Eddie can’t reply because the doctor is back next to his cheek. He extends his right hand for Richie to hold this time, which he does without complaint or taunts, as the doctor stitches the cut on his face.</p><p>Eddie’s holding his eyes closed tight, wincing as the needle pierces his skin, and Richie can’t help but stare at him. Heavy brows, his hair is so thick, lips that he was once allowed to kiss however brief that window was, he had it, and he can’t believe how much he had forgotten.</p><p>When the doctor is finished they unlace their fingers and he watches as Eddie listens intently to aftercare instructions. Richie isn’t really paying attention until he hears the doctor say, “And no oral sex until it’s completely healed.” </p><p>“Uh, what’s that?” Richie asks.</p><p>“Two weeks at least,” the doctor says absently looking over a chart, standing as he’s getting ready to leave the room. “And schedule a follow up to make sure it’s healing properly.”</p><p>Richie’s choking out, “Oh, we’re not-”</p><p>“Thanks,” Eddie interrupts before he can correct him.</p><p>The doctor leaves the room and Richie says, “Looks like I’m not getting those roadie blow jobs after all, eh Eds?” </p><p>“I’d make you take me out on a date first anyway,” he stands.</p><p>Richie isn’t sure what to say to that so he says nothing, but his heart is racing too fast. It’s better to leave that alone as they navigate out of the room and through the ER. They find a desk and ask where Stanley Uris is at, then continue to weave around the maze of the hospital to find the room he was admitted to.</p><p>It’s a relief to see him. He’s smiling and talking shit with Eddie, and the whole sight makes Richie feel like a kid again.</p><p>They’re able to talk to him for a while before the nurse comes by with some powerful pain meds that knock him out. Before he falls asleep he asks if they’ll check in with his wife and make sure she doesn’t have a problem finding Derry. He’ll be healing for a few weeks but checking out of the hospital sooner than that. Richie’s just happy there isn’t any internal damage and they happily agree to make sure Patty gets into town safely. </p><p>On the way out of the hospital, Eddie laughs suddenly, “Oh shit. I just remembered-” He asks, “Hey Rich, gun to your head. You, me, and Ben?”</p><p>Memories of that conversation in Eddie’s bed come back just as strong. Richie laughs, “I think the gun is to Ben’s head in this scenario. What the hell happened to him? Like, what the fuck, dude. You know? Did you see his fucking muscles? It's disgusting. I think even straight guys wouldn’t turn <em> that </em> down.”</p><p>“‘Even straight guys?’” Eddie repeats quietly.</p><p>Richie sighs, and says in a hushed tone, “Dude, your dick was in my mouth. Don’t pretend you don’t know.”</p><p>“I <em> don’t </em> know,” Eddie replies simply. </p><p>Scratching his forehead, Richie stops and pulls Eddie to the side of the hall into a waiting alcove where it’s dark and private. “I’m gay," he blurts. "Now you know.”</p><p>“But, you fucked Bev that summer-”</p><p>“Bev knew back then and that’s <em> why </em> we-” he makes a crude gesture with his hands and Eddie rolls his eyes and stops him.</p><p>But Eddie’s still giving him a confused look.</p><p>“I was, you know, making sure,” Richie tries again. “It was her idea. That’s why it wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t even come, dude. I got a limp dick. Vaginas give me a limp dick.”</p><p>Eddie’s closing his eyes and shaking his head, “Okay. I don’t need-”</p><p>“You wanted details, man!”</p><p>“Yeah, twenty years ago when I was in love with you and jealous as hell.”</p><p>“You were-” Richie freezes. His heart thumps hard and his chest clenches up. “What?”</p><p>Eddie’s looking up at him with a soft smile, “Yeah, I don’t know why I’m telling you now. I know it doesn’t matter anymore, but yeah.”</p><p><em> Fuck. </em> </p><p>“Fuck.”</p><p>Eddie was in love with him. Eddie Kaspbrak-</p><p>“Shit, Richie, I shouldn’t have said anything. I knew you didn’t feel the same when you never came back. It’s not like I’m still holding onto it. I didn’t even remember until the Jade. If it’s weird, just forget I said anything.”</p><p>Richie’s looking at him hard. Staring, really. Probably freaking him the fuck out. But he can’t process what Eddie’s is telling him because there are tears burning behind his eyes and it hurts too much to know what they missed out on. He finds himself saying, “I have to show you something.”</p><p>Eddie follows him through the hospital. They’re both oddly quiet as they get into Richie’s car. Eddie doesn’t even ask him where he’s taking him before they’re stopping at the kissing bridge and Richie’s pacing in front of the carving.</p><p>“So, uh, yeah,” Richie points.</p><p>“What the fuck?” Eddie leans in. </p><p>Richie’s holding his eyes closed tight because he can’t face seeing Eddie’s reaction.</p><p><em> “You </em>did that?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Richie admits, crossing his arms defensively. He chances opening an eye and sees Eddie’s finger ghosting over the letters.</p><p>“Do you have a knife?”</p><p><em> Fuck. </em> </p><p>Richie knows Eddie probably wants to scratch the carving out, and that hurts a little, but he <em> is </em> married and maybe it bothers him, so who is Richie to stand in the way of that? “Uh, I think there’s a pocket knife in the glove box.”</p><p>He stands there awkwardly, watching as Eddie opens the car door to grab it then returns.</p><p>“It was stupid, I know-” Richie tries.</p><p>“How old were you when you did this?” Eddie crouches down, running the blade over the <em> R. </em> </p><p>Not to scratch it out, but to make it deeper. </p><p>And Richie’s heart swells.</p><p>“Right before we left for college?”</p><p>“Uh-” Richie cringes.</p><p>“Before that?” Eddie turns around with a smile.</p><p>And Richie’s a little taken aback to see it there on his face. “A little before. What did Mike say? Twenty-seven years ago?”</p><p>Eddie drops his smile. “What?”</p><p>Richie shrugs awkwardly. He can’t believe he’s here telling Eddie any of this. But Eddie said it first. </p><p>“You-” Eddie stands and steps closer to him. “That long?” </p><p>His eyebrows are furrowed and Richie knows Eddie just wants to understand. And he owes it to him. They could have died. They all could have died in the bowels of Derry and this is such an insignificant thing compared to that. </p><p>“Yeah, Eds,” his heart is aching and he feels tears trying to escape, but he holds them back. “Why’d you think I offered to teach you how to kiss in the first place?”</p><p>“Fuck, Richie,” Eddie gives him a sad smile, “I wish I would have known.”</p><p>“Are you-” he doesn’t know why it’s so hard to ask. “You married a woman,” he says instead.</p><p>Eddie’s smile falls at that. “Yeah, that’s fucked up, isn’t it?”</p><p>“Are you gay?”</p><p>“It’s complicated,” Eddie turns back around, crouching on the ground, determined to finish deepening the engraving. </p><p>“Yeah, I know,” Richie scoffs. “I’m still officially in the closet, by the way, so if you could keep the whole <em> I-sucked-your-dick-when-we-were-kids </em> thing to yourself, I’d appreciate it.” </p><p>“Okay, Richie.” Eddie smiles at him, “What do you think?” He brushes away the dusting of wood and stands. </p><p>“Looks good, Eddie,” Richie smiles genuinely back at him. </p><p>And Richie knows he's totally fucked. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Eddie</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Eddie stares into his closet, frowning at his options. He’s been swapping out dress shirts for twenty minutes. Finally, he grabs the first shirt he chose and builds the rest of his outfit around it, complete with nice fitted dress pants and decidedly <em> no </em> tie. He rolls up his sleeves to his elbows then finishes his hair and walks out of the bathroom to Myra’s furrowing brow. Walking around her, avoiding her eyes, he goes directly to the entryway and pats his pockets, making sure he’s remembered everything.</p><p>“Who are you going out with again?” He can hear the skepticism in her voice.</p><p>“Richie Tozier. The comedian. They added New York dates to his tour, so he’s in town.”</p><p>“And you went to high school with him?” </p><p>“Uh, huh,” Eddie looks away from her, feeling guilty. </p><p>It’s not like he’s even done anything. He doesn’t have anything to feel guilty <em> for. </em> Except maybe meeting up with Richie for drinks would be more akin to catching up with an ex, and he definitely failed to mention that he and Richie have a history. Even though they technically never really dated, he’s pretty sure she wouldn’t be cool with it if he was doing the same with a woman. And she might be extra not cool since he’s a man. Worst of all, even if he hasn’t done anything yet he’s not taking it off the board. He knows he has a few intentions for the evening. So yeah, maybe he should feel extremely guilty, but he still hasn’t done anything <em> yet. </em></p><p>“I thought you hated him. You always complained about his shows.”</p><p>Eddie laughs at that, “Yeah. That’s what my friends from school would say too.” He shakes his head, “He’s an asshole but he was pretty much my best friend.”</p><p>“Why didn’t you mention that before?”</p><p>“I don’t know. It was high school. A long time ago. I told you, we all got together in Derry a few weeks ago. We’re all trying to... stay connected.”</p><p>“You all got together when you were <em>stabbed,</em> you mean.” </p><p>He sighs, “Yes. Richie, actually- he was the one who killed the guy. Bowers.”</p><p>“I remember that from the news. Why are you all dressed up?” She asks, lifting an eyebrow. </p><p>Eddie’s getting annoyed at the third degree but he lies anyway, “I don’t know! He’s famous. To network? I’m trying to make a good impression. Look, I gotta go. Don’t wait up, I’ll be out late.” He grabs his keys, gives her a kiss on the cheek and says, “Okay, bye. I love you.” And shuts the door firmly behind him.</p><p>
  <em> Shit. </em>
</p><p>As he drives, his mind begins to turn over the same thoughts he’s had for weeks. After Derry he’d been determined to make changes in his life. Pursue things that really mattered. But it was too easy to fall back into his familiar routine. He never went to Reno with Richie, and maybe he should have. Maybe that was already his second biggest regret. </p><p>But now Richie is in town and they are meeting up. He is determined not to fuck up again, even if he is nervous as hell and feels like throwing up.</p><p>Eddie forces himself out of the car, handing the keys to the valet. Giving the hostess his name, he’s led back to a private part of the restaurant. </p><p>And he sees Richie with a glass up to his mouth, swallowing awkwardly as he smiles and stands. </p><p>“Hey, Eds,” he gives him a pat on the back, then gestures for him to sit. After the waiter takes his drink order and leaves, Richie leans in to say, “You look hot.”</p><p>Eddie blushes, “Fuck you.”</p><p>“Uh, yes please.” </p><p>“Shut up,” Eddie mumbles into his glass of water, willing the alcohol to arrive quickly.</p><p>“Shut up? You think telling me to ‘shut up’ will work? My therapist told me to vocalize my authentic feelings and right now I’m authentically feeling about nine inches in my pants because of that fitted shirt, Eddie.”</p><p>Eddie chokes on his water. “A boner isn’t a feeling, dude.”</p><p>“I dunno, man. I think <em> someone </em> should be feeling it.”</p><p>Despite himself, Eddie cracks a smile, then scoffs, “Nine inches? I’ve seen it, Rich. It’s not nine inches. But more importantly than your <em> not huge </em> dick, <em> you’re </em> seeing a therapist?”</p><p>“Yeah. It was kind of imposed on me after I choked on stage, abandoned my tour and, you know, tomahawked Bowers in the skull. But apparently I have some legitimate repressed shit to work through.<em> Me? </em> Imagine that, right?” He smiles, “It’s actually been pretty good.”</p><p>“What do you say about Pennywise and all that shit?”</p><p>“The vast amounts of violence we witnessed as children is less of a problem than the internalized homophobia. Crazy that Derry fucked me up more than that asshole. I’m uh-” Richie’s fingers trace over the fabric of the napkin, “I’m actually working towards coming out. You know, publicly. Soon, probably. Hopefully.”</p><p>“Shit, Rich,” Eddie sits back and swallows the lump in his throat. “That’s great.”</p><p>“So, like I was saying, you showing up like a gay pornstar’s wet dream really helps me work through some shit.”</p><p>“Shut the fuck up,” Eddie shakes his head, embarrassed.</p><p>“No, I mean it. The whole ensemble is giving me major get-fucked-by-the-boss vibes.”</p><p>“Well, apparently your therapy is going well because you don’t have a problem hitting on guys in public.”</p><p>“Nah. You’re just special,” he watches as Richie looks away. “And married for one. So it’s not like there’s going to be any follow through. You’re like my practice date.”</p><p>“Oh, thanks,” Eddie replies sarcastically. His chest clenches when he continues, “You’re gonna start dating then?”</p><p>“That’s the goal. Something more than drunken remorseful hookups. Richie Tozier, all grown up.”</p><p>“Did you meet someone?” Eddie tries to ask casually. “I mean, I’m sure you probably have a ton of guys lined up-”</p><p>“No, it’s nothing like that,” Richie says quietly. “Just, seeing Stan and Patty together kind of fucked me up. You have Myra. And I love them dearly but Jesus Christ if I have to see another Instagram perfect, sunset beach photo of Bev and Ben, I’m going to kill myself.” He scratches his forehead, “I dunno, man. I don’t want to be alone forever.” </p><p>Eddie can’t swallow back the lump in his throat. He wants to reach out and take Richie’s hand. Comfort him.</p><p>Instead he says, “Find someone you love, Rich. Because just having someone to come home to doesn’t mean that you’ll be any less lonely.”</p><p>Richie looks at him intently but doesn't have time to respond because the waiter appears with Eddie's drink. It could have come sooner, but he’s relieved by it's arrival. Eddie finishes it in the time it takes to order their food, then he’s left smiling wistfully with Richie across from him.</p><p>“So, you’re gonna start dating? Alright, question for you. You and me, senior year, what would a Richie Tozier date have been like?” Eddie grins at him. He wants to know more about Richie's perspective on that summer together, so he vows to himself not to be afraid to ask anymore.</p><p>“Oh, well, I was incompetent back then so probably dragging you along to watch <em> Speed </em> multiple times at the movie theater. Maybe a little Gay Chicken at the quarry, though that might have been your idea. Some romantic star gazing. But I don’t think anything could have beat Mudstock.”</p><p>“Yeah?” Eddie grins shyly.</p><p>Richie leans in and Eddie mirrors him, “Nine Inch Nails? You exhibitionist. I don’t think any date <em> since </em>has topped that.”</p><p>“That was a date? Were we dating that summer?”</p><p>“I definitely spent a lot of time wishing we were,” the smile Richie gives him is the same, sentimental lovesick one he remembers. “But Mudstock? Shit, I mean, you know how it was back then. It was the Nineties and we realistically could have been killed if anyone found out. The handholding, and the kissing, and the-” Richie begins to make a gesture with his hand.</p><p>Blushing, he says, “Yeah, okay, I get it! I <em> remember. </em>”</p><p>“Best date I ever had, Eddie.” </p><p>“Me too,” and he realizes then that it’s true. “Shit, remember Chris Farley?”</p><p>“Dude, I met his brother. It was at this-” Eddie watches as Richie makes a scrunched up face. </p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I don’t want to name drop. It’s annoying as fuck, sorry. Anyway, I met his brother, Kevin. Cool dude. Sounds just like him which was weird as fuck and kind of awesome.”</p><p>Smiling at him warmly, Eddie says, “Come on. Name drop. What was it for?”</p><p>“A roast for Adam Sandler,” Richie’s entire face lights up as he says it. “I wasn’t on stage or anything but the names in the room, man. It was pretty cool.”</p><p>“That’s awesome, Richie. You deserve to be in there with them.”</p><p>“My ghostwriter having ass?”</p><p>“You were better before your writers.”</p><p>“You followed my career?” Richie sits back.</p><p>“Yeah,” he says, knowing now that his love for Richie was what kept his attention throughout the years. “I saw you once. Live. I think it was one of your first tours, at least big enough for New York.”</p><p>“Fuck, really? What was that, ‘07?”</p><p>“Yeah, that sounds about right.”</p><p>“Jesus, if I would have known Eddie Kaspbrak was in the crowd I probably would have shit myself onstage.”</p><p>“Me?! Did you even remember me? Before Derry, I mean.”</p><p>“Kind of,” Richie admits looking down. “I think I did. If I would have seen you in the crowd I would have known for sure. It came back to me pretty fast at the Jade.”</p><p>“I wish you would have seen me then,” Eddie smiles sadly. His foot grazes against Richie’s beneath the table. “Maybe things would be different.”</p><p>“Did you ever date any, you know, men, after we-” Richie still isn’t looking at him and can’t complete the question, but his foot is brushing against Eddie’s and he takes that for the encouragement it is.</p><p>“No,” he’s cautious when he replies. He understands Richie’s fears better than anyone because he’s still trying to navigate his own. “When you never came back to Derry I started to stay on campus and it became easier to forget. I <em> wanted </em> to forget. Do you remember those girls? The ones our senior year?”</p><p>“Fuck, I hated every one of them,” Richie admits. “I was so jealous.”</p><p>“You used to tease me about them!” </p><p>“And now I’m in therapy for my unhealthy coping mechanisms. What’s your point?”</p><p>“I was only with them because, well,” he hushes his voice enough to say, “kissing you fucked me up.”</p><p>“Eddie-” Richie’s voice is pained, “I’m sorry if I-”</p><p>“No, no,” Eddie interrupts, “I don’t mean like that. I mean-” He wipes his brow. He needs to say it. He’s going to say it, “I mean, maybe it was because we were kids or maybe because you were a lot of my <em> firsts, </em> but I still haven’t felt that way with anyone. I’m not even talking about, you know, <em> Mudstock. </em> If I wouldn’t have forgotten everything, it would have killed me to not feel that way again. So college was kind of like Senior year. I kept jumping from girl to girl thinking eventually I’d feel whatever was missing with them, but-”</p><p>“What about your wife?”</p><p>Eddie closes his eyes, “I don’t want to think about her right now.” He silenced his phone but he knows he’ll have countless messages to face when he gathers the courage to check. “My point is, if being with other women reminded me of you, I wouldn’t have been able to handle <em> men. </em> I just tried so hard to forget. And, you know, we grew up in the middle of the fucking AIDS epidemic. All our Sex Ed classes had me terrified for life.” </p><p>“So, you’re saying you were just gay for me?” Richie teases.</p><p>Eddie cracks a smile, “Just you.” Then he adds, “But I’m adding Ben to the list.”</p><p>Richie laughs heartily at that, which helps lighten the conversation, “His fucking Instagram, dude!”</p><p>“Like, do you even own a shirt?”</p><p>“Oh, no, that’s fine. Shirts are wasted on him.”</p><p>“Do you think he could Hulk out of them?” Eddie asks.</p><p>“Next time we’re together we should ask him to try with one of yours.”</p><p>They both laugh at the image, and continue to joke until the waiter arrives with their food. They keep the conversation light. Richie didn’t storm out at Eddie’s confession so his nerves have settled enough for him to actually be hungry. </p><p>He makes Richie pay for his meal, “Practice date, right?”</p><p>It doesn’t take much for Richie to agree, “You better put out.”</p><p>“I said I would if it’s a date.” He knows Richie assumes he’s joking, but he isn’t. </p><p>He went into this night knowing he’ll have no regrets, no matter the outcome. He’s lived several lifetimes full of them, and he’s done. </p><p>“Am I gonna take you home, or what?” Eddie asks.</p><p>“Not really in the mood to meet Sonia 2.0 if I’m honest.”</p><p>“Your place, I mean. Your hotel. You paid for dinner, I have a car. I’m gonna take you home.”</p><p>Richie eyes him suspiciously, but agrees, “Yeah, I guess I’d appreciate a lift.</p><p>Conversation is easy as they leave the restaurant. Richie tells him he’s a terrible driver and Eddie informs him that the dickheads surrounding him are the ones that can’t drive. By the time they reach Richie’s hotel, they’re laughing and reminiscing. Eddie gets out of the car and hands the valet his keys. Richie lifts an eyebrow but actually doesn’t say shit which Eddie isn’t expecting. </p><p>Walking through the lobby, Eddie grills Richie on his memory, if he followed what happened to anyone else from school. It’s small talk mostly because his stomach is starting to churn a little the closer they get to his room. He knows what he wants to happen, but he doesn’t know what Richie wants, and it makes him nervous.</p><p>“This is me,” Richie’s pointing to his door but doesn’t move enough to open it.</p><p>“Let me in, dude. I didn’t hand over my keys just to walk you to your door.”</p><p>Richie’s hand is on the knob but he hesitates, “I dunno, Eds. Out here we’re just two dudes, saying goodnight. The other side of this door-” Richie shakes his head, “Am I inviting you in for a drink? Is that really all this is? Because I wasn’t lying earlier when I was flirting with you. You should probably know that.”</p><p>Eddie knows he’s making a choice again. With anyone else he never would have let it get to this point. But this isn’t just anyone. This is Richie. </p><p>
  <em> Be brave, Eds.  </em>
</p><p>“I know,” he says quietly. “Let me in.”</p><p>Richie studies him, and Eddie's not sure what he's looking to find, but then turns around and fumbles with the door until it finally pops open and Richie’s slinking inside. As Richie turns on the lights, Eddie shuts and locks the door behind them.</p><p>Richie’s pulling out alcohol from the minibar, handing a few bottles to Eddie which he takes gratefully. They drink and relax. They end up leaning together against the headboard of Richie’s bed, giggling about memories from their childhood.</p><p>“Remember that time Stan lost his trunks jumping into the quarry?” Eddie laughs.</p><p>“Oh, shit, that’s right. You had a crush on him. I forgot.”</p><p>“I didn’t have a crush on <em> Stanley! </em>”</p><p>“That’s not what you said! Gun to the head-”</p><p>“The only one of the guys I’d fuck is Bev,” he pauses to finish off another mini bottle, “And obviously, Ben.”</p><p>Richie’s laughing hard, “I’m never gonna get over it! We were all so blind.” He slinks down onto the bed.</p><p>“What about you and your crush on Bill? That still doin’ it for you?” Eddie asks.</p><p>“Fuck no. I’m not dating anyone in showbiz ever again. A fucking nightmare.”</p><p>“Dude,<em> you’re </em> in showbiz.”</p><p>“Yeah, and it’s a fuckin’ nightmare.”</p><p>Eddie leans in close, “I want to fuck you, Rich.”</p><p>“Uh-” Richie pauses, “With a gun to your head?”</p><p>“No. Not with a- I just want you to know. I <em> want </em> to. I still want you. And I don’t know what to do with that. I should have gone with you to Reno.” He can feel the panic rising but the alcohol makes it feel important to say out loud, “It’s like, it’s the same goddamn hole in my chest when you left for college. Only now you’re in the room. You’re here. You’re right next to me and I don’t know what to do with it. This isn’t a proposition. I just want you to know. I think it’s fair that you know if we’re like, hanging out and shit. I’m just, like, imagining you naked the whole time.”</p><p>“I think you’d be pretty disappointed, dude. I’ve changed a little bit since we were eighteen.”</p><p>“Sorry,” Eddie sighs, “I don’t mean to put all this on you. I know this is my shit to figure out. But, in the interest of sharing our <em> authentic feelings, </em> I need you to know that my feelings haven’t changed since that summer.”</p><p>“And those feelings-”</p><p>“I told you I was in love with you.”</p><p>“Yeah but, we were just kids, Eddie.”</p><p>It hurts to hear him dismiss it. “I’ve never been in love with anyone the way I was in love with you.”</p><p>And it’s fucking sad because it’s the fucking truth.</p><p>Richie lets go of his hand and rubs his face, “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that.”</p><p>“Nothing. I don’t want you to do anything. I just want you to know.”</p><p>“We don’t even know each other anymore,” Richie shakes his head.</p><p>“I know, which is why I’m telling you now, I guess. For a long time I regretted not telling you. Then when you didn’t come back I was relieved I never did. But after seeing that carving, Rich, I’m sick of regretting things. What would it have been like if we’d known back then? If we weren’t afraid?”</p><p>“Do you expect me to fuck you now or something?” Richie sounds angry.</p><p>“No! I told you, I’m not expecting anything. Jesus,” Eddie pulls himself up to a leaning position, balancing on his elbows. The room is spinning and maybe he’s more drunk than he realized. “Fuck. Sorry. Maybe I should have just lived with it for the rest of my miserable life. That worked out so well for me before.”</p><p>“Eddie, you’re married, okay?” Richie sits up. </p><p>“I know I’m fucking married, she’s been texting me all night!” Eddie moves to join him, still trying to balance.</p><p>“I’m just starting to get my shit together. I’m trying to work on myself and- and learn to be happy for once in my goddamn life!”</p><p>“Christ,” Eddie pulls his legs to the side of the bed. He waits a moment for the room to stop spinning before weight on his feet, attempting to stand.</p><p>“Where the fuck are you going?” </p><p>“I’m getting a fucking cab and going home,” he shuffles to the door. “Obviously, this was a mistake.”</p><p>His arm is being pulled and when he turns around Richie’s lips are on his and he’s being pinned against the wall. Maybe he can blame it on his inebriated state, but his heart is aching and it all feels so much better than he remembers. Richie’s nails are scratching his scalp and Eddie’s moaning like he needs him, because in that moment he does. He didn’t know how much until now, with Richie’s lips on his own.</p><p>Eddie walks him backwards to the bed until they’re both falling on it. Richie's body isn’t the same, he’s taller now, softer in places that were once gangly limbs, and the burn against his cheek from the stubble is a harsh reminder who’s kissing him and that they’re not kids anymore. But he smells the same. Behind the alcohol he tastes the same, and Eddie’s chest is tightening because it’s like he’s finally found something that he didn’t know he’d lost. </p><p>It’s been too fucking long and there are thousands of reasons to stop, but Eddie’s prick is filling fast and he can feel Richie is just as interested. He moves his hand to Richie’s jeans and tries not to break their kiss as he fumbles with his zipper.</p><p>But Richie’s hand wraps around his wrist, and Jesus Christ he’s fucking strong. He pushes Eddie away and gasps, “Wait, Eds. Just wait.” </p><p>Eddie lifts his head and watches Richie’s stunned gaze before he decides to roll off. His chest heaves as they both stare at the ceiling.</p><p>“I don’t know if we should-” Richie starts, “I have something to tell you.”</p><p>Eddie’s thought about it a lot. Considered all the scenarios. Worried about whether it would be a deal breaker or if being with Richie was more important. “Look. I’ve done a lot of research and if you’re positive I can go on PrEP and we can figure it out. There are options now-”</p><p>“PrEP? Jesus fuck, Eddie. Calm down. What the fuck? I don’t have HIV. I have a job offer.” </p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Here. In New York. That’s what I was going to tell you at dinner.” </p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“You’d go on PrEP for me?”</p><p>“I-” Eddie fights his blush, “-said we could figure something out. What’s the job?” His deflection is weak but he’s more than a little relieved that a job was why Richie stopped him.</p><p>“It’s a spot in a reality show as a guest judge. Thirteen episodes. Potential for more if the ratings are strong. I thought it might be fun with you in the city. Give us a chance to get to know each other again. But I don’t know if starting this shit is a good idea if I’m going to accept the offer. I’d be living here for a few months.”</p><p>“Or-” Eddie says slowly, his mind trying hard to hold back his excitement, “Maybe it would be the <em> best </em> time to start something. Huh? What do you actually want? Tell me using your <em> authentic feelings,” </em> Eddie teases.</p><p>“Now who’s talking with their dick? Yes, my authentic feelings want me to fuck you until you’re screaming my name and collapsing on my bed. But I also want to be your friend, Eddie. And I don’t want to be the side bitch. <em> I’m not </em>the side bitch. I’m the main course... bitch.”</p><p>Eddie snorts, which he knows only encourages him, but maybe he needs it.</p><p>Richie seems to relax, “Maybe we need to think about what we want. And if that’s to just be friends who get hard for one another, then, let’s hope the elastic in the bands of our pants can hold them back.”</p><p>“You want me to leave my wife for you? Is that really what you’re saying here?”</p><p>“No,” Richie sighs. “I’m saying, we don’t even know each other, not really. It’s been over twenty years, dude. Like, yeah, we’ll always have that murdered-a-space-clown-together thing, but I don’t know who you are <em> now. </em> For all I know you’re a fucking Republican. Maybe we’ll hate each other, then we can just be casual acquaintances. No breaking up marriages. No ruining delicate therapeutic processes.”</p><p>“So, just take it slow?” Eddie asks.</p><p>“Yeah. Take it slow.” </p><p>“Okay, Richie,” Eddie sighs. “That’s probably a good idea.” It is, Eddie knows it. Despite his disappointment, Richie is right. So he stands up and says, “If we’re not going to fuck, I probably should get home. Because it’s late and I’m drunk and if I stay I’m definitely going to try to fuck you again.”</p><p>“Wait,” Richie stands, grabbing his arm and pulls him back in, “I’m already regretting this.” He kisses him again, slowly and deep, and Eddie doesn’t know how he’ll ever be able to stop himself from wanting him.</p><p>Eddie smiles against his lips, “You kiss the same way.”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“God, you’re such a great kisser. I never stood a chance,” Eddie presses his lips back into Richie’s, softly.</p><p>Richie whispers, <em> “Please </em> tell me you’re not a fucking Republican.”</p><p>“Not a Republican,” Eddie says brushing against his lips.</p><p>“Coke or Pepsi?” </p><p>“Coke?”</p><p>“Top or bottom?” Richie asks with a smile, kissing him again.</p><p>“Uh,” Eddie pulls away. “I don’t know. I’ve never-”</p><p>“Shit,” Richie backs away.</p><p>“I mean, I’m willing to figure it out if that’s an issue-”</p><p>“No, it’s not that. I’m just kind of regretting all this ‘taking it slow’ talk.”</p><p>“Saying that only makes me want to take off your pants even more.”</p><p>Richie laughs nervously, “Okay. No. No, we need time, to... think. You’re married. You’re fucking married.” It sounds like a reminder to himself.</p><p>“Yeah,” Eddie takes a step back. “Yeah, you’re right. I think I’ll just-” He walks over to the door.</p><p>Richie follows, “You still coming to my show?”</p><p>“Of course, Rich,” Eddie beams at him. A drunken, crooked smile. </p><p>“You’re not driving, right?”</p><p>“Fuck no. I’m getting a cab.”</p><p>“Okay. Um, be safe, Eds.”</p><p>Eddie grabs at Richie’s shirt and kisses him one last time. “God, I’ve been missing that for over twenty years.”</p><p>When Eddie gets home he decides to sleep on the couch.</p><p>His guilt weighs him down and he fights with Myra the second the door opens. Worse than usual, knowing she’s been waiting. She demands to know where he was and why he is so drunk. Why he wasn’t answering her messages. She claims his friends are a bad influence, which might be fair since Mike did try to lure him to his death. </p><p>Richie’s words keep circulating through his mind, and he knows he’s right. Eddie needs to figure out what it is he wants. But of course he already knows. He showed up to dinner with Richie and knew more than anything he wanted to kiss him again. To see if those memories from so long ago were real.</p><p>With Myra finally asleep in their bed, and Eddie staring around their condo from the couch, he realizes how little of it means anything to him. If he were to walk out right now he wouldn’t care. Not if it meant walking into Richie’s arms. </p><p>Of course, he isn’t sure exactly what Richie wants, but he kissed him back and that will have to be enough for now. </p><p>A few days after their dinner, Richie has his show. He knows Eddie is in the audience and gives him a shout out while on stage. The place is fucking packed and Eddie tries to keep the pounding in his heart in check while watching him on stage. He feels like an infatuated fan, even if he’s not completely enamored by the jokes. Richie mostly runs through the old set but he throws in some new material too, which makes his heart swell. Eddie can tell what’s his based on his delivery and the audience responds well to it, laughing easily, enough that Richie relaxes more on stage. </p><p>When Eddie is led backstage after the show he starts to fidget with the zipper on his coat. Richie told him to come by, he wouldn’t be allowed back if he didn’t want him there, but they haven’t talked since the night in Richie’s hotel room beside short texts. And seeing him in his element makes Eddie nervous all over again. </p><p>Richie has fans, he knows he does, but listening to a full auditorium applaud him just reinforces his celebrity status. And it’s weird as hell because Eddie’s still trying to reconcile this famous comedian with the gangly, annoying kid who used to climb through his window.</p><p>The crew member leading him back knocks on the door and calls to Richie on the other side.</p><p>The door is pulled open to a flustered, sweaty looking Richie Tozier, and Eddie can’t help but smile at the sight of him.</p><p>“Hi,” Eddie offers lamely.</p><p>“Hey, Spagheds,” Richie replies, pulling the door open fully and gestures for him to come in.</p><p>“Jesus, can you stop that already? I’m, like, a grown fucking man,” Eddie mutters at the name while walking past.</p><p>“Are you though, small fry?” Richie shuts the door behind him.</p><p>“Shut up,” Eddie shakes his head. He adds, “You were great tonight, Rich.”</p><p>“Yeah? I was kind of workshopping some shit. I didn’t know how it would go down.”</p><p>“That was yours, right? No writers?”</p><p>“All me.”</p><p>“It was good, man. You should do more of it.” Eddie turns around to check out the room. It isn’t as glamorous as he was expecting, really just a backroom with a vanity on one side and what he assumes is miscellaneous stage shit on the other. “So, what did you tell them about the job?”</p><p>“I accepted the offer. Was that okay?” </p><p>It’s odd to hear him sound so nervous, so Eddie turns to meet his eyes. “Yeah, Rich.”</p><p>“I know we were possibly, a little, extremely drunk last time-”</p><p>“I meant what I said,” Eddie interrupts. “I meant every word.” Despite his apprehension, he isn't going to erase the courage it took to say those words now.</p><p>“Fuck,” Richie sighs. </p><p>“Is that a problem?”</p><p>“No,” Richie says, “Maybe. Probably for you. I don’t know. Is it?”</p><p><em> Be brave, Eds. </em> </p><p>“Can I kiss you?”</p><p>Richie squeaks, and nods as Eddie takes a step closer. </p><p>Eddie says, “Then it’s not a problem.”</p><p>He feels like a kid again when he reaches across the room and kisses him. Richie’s even taller now and when his arms wrap around him he feels safe. He’s so fucking strong and sure of himself. Richie always had a blind confidence Eddie never possessed. But he seems nervous suddenly. All Eddie wants to do is alleviate his fears, so he kisses him, more like a demand, willing him to understand the way Eddie still feels for him through it. </p><p>Richie’s right, they don’t really know one another anymore, but he knows deep down the kind of man Richie is. He’s seen him at his bravest. He’s seen him stand up to the darkest of evils and laugh in <em>Its</em> face. And that’s the man he loves.</p><p>There’s a sharp knock on the door and someone calls out, “Driver’s ready, Rich!”</p><p>“Thanks Jason. Be out in five,” he calls back, disentangling from Eddie. “I didn’t tell you before but your scar healed well. It looks badass. Hot.”</p><p>“Yeah, just what I wanted. A permanent reminder of that shitty town right on my fuckin’ face.”</p><p>Richie kisses it like a grandma and smiles, “It’s cute.” Then he ruffles his hair, “Just like you.”</p><p>“I can’t believe you just did that, you asshole.” </p><p>“I can’t believe your hairline. Goddamn. It’s so fucking thick and no bald spots. You hit the genetic jackpot, dude. That’s one thing you can thank dear Sonia for.”</p><p>Eddie scoffs then asks, “Are you leaving tomorrow?”</p><p>“Tonight. Flying out right now, actually. I’ll be back in a few months for taping, though."</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>Eddie looks down, not knowing what else to say. When he looks up, Richie kisses him again. He knows he’s running late because of him, but he can’t stop himself. Richie tastes just like he remembers and his heart is thundering because this kiss feels like goodbye again and they’ve had far too many of those. Richie has to leave again.</p><p>“Is this okay? That we’re doing this?” Eddie asks cautiously. He doesn’t want to scare him away.</p><p>“Taking it slow, Eds. You’re the married one. You tell me.”</p><p>Eddie feels along Richie’s jaw, the stubble there scratches against his palm, “Yeah, Richie. It’s good.”</p><p>There’s another hard pounding on the door, “Rich, come on!”</p><p>“Yeah! I’m coming!” He calls back.</p><p>Richie paces around the room and collects his things. Eddie follows him to the door. Just before he opens it, Richie presses his lips against Eddies once more, “I’m really glad you came tonight.”</p><p>“Me too.” He gives him a tight hug, “Have a good flight.”</p><p>Eddie hopes more than anything that the next time he sees Richie they both will know what they want, because Eddie knows what he wants.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Pacing around his living room days later, Eddie finally decides he’s going to tell Myra. He’s been meaning to since Derry. He knows their marriage isn’t what it should be. He knows she deserves so much more. And yeah, he’s in love with someone else, but it’s not his fault. It’s not his fault some fucking cosmic being fucked their lives so much that he didn’t remember just how much his heart belonged to someone else.</p><p>“Eddie, what’s wrong? What happened?”</p><p>“I-” he rehearsed it in the mirror but saying it in front of her is so much harder. “I think we-<em> Fuck! </em> Myra, I think maybe we should consider the possibility of this marriage not working out the way we had hoped.”</p><p>“What? What are you talking about? Where is all this coming from?”</p><p>“I-” he knows he could tell her he’s in love with someone else, but he wants her to know the full reason. “Look, when I went back home to Derry a bunch of shit came up for me again, okay? You remember what my mom was like-”</p><p>“What does that have to do with us?”</p><p>Eddie sighs, not willing to touch that one with a ten foot pole. In frustration, he cries, “I got fucking stabbed! I almost died!” He gestures wildly, “I’m sick of living in fear and living with regret, Myra. When we got married, it was safe. You were familiar. It was expected of me and I did it. I love you and I care about you, okay? But not in the way that you deserve. And I-”</p><p>“You don’t know what you’re saying, Eddie!”</p><p>“I’m in love with someone else-” He means to say it more gently but it’s out now.</p><p>She freezes, staring at him, confused and hurt, but he doesn’t know how else to tell her. </p><p>Before she can say anything, and before he loses the courage, he adds, “With a m-man.” Watching her carefully, not knowing if that information makes it better or worse, he steps closer.</p><p>She stands, crossing her arms, asking incredulously, “You’re gay?”</p><p>“I don’t-” Eddie shrugs, honestly not knowing how to answer before she starts crying.</p><p>He tries his best to comfort her, unsure of the words to say. Nothing will make her feel better and he knows that.</p><p>“You’ve been having an affair.” It’s an accusation not a question. She’s glaring at him, anger now finally resonating, realizing what he’s been telling her.</p><p>“No, it’s not like that.” He thinks it’s the truth. Yeah they kissed, but it could have been so much more. It’s not a complete lie and Richie’s promised him nothing. Leaving Myra now doesn’t guarantee that Richie will want anything to do with him. But he has hope and needs to take a leap of faith.</p><p>“Then how do you know you’re gay?”</p><p>Eddie closes his eyes, still uncomfortable hearing that word, thinking about it applying towards himself. “We used to-”</p><p>“Since we’ve been married?” She cries.</p><p>“No! Listen, it was before we met and I was too afraid back then. I was only with him for a few weeks. But getting stabbed in the fucking face starts to put things into perspective, Myra. And it’s this whole side of myself that I’ve ignored and pretended didn’t exist because I didn’t want it to, but it does! And I can’t do it anymore. I won’t.”</p><p>She cries.</p><p>Eddie figures that’s allowed. Expected.</p><p>He tries to ease her through it the best he can, but his heart isn’t in it like it should be. And that’s really the problem, isn’t it? </p><p>She suggests couples therapy and he quickly declines. When she tells him how devastated she’ll be to lose her husband and her best friend, he understands. She begs him not to move out, and at least that he can do. So he stays. He sleeps on the couch. It’s something they can both live with. </p><p>And in the weeks that pass, it’s almost like everything is normal. She still asks when he’ll be home, “I still worry about you, Eddie.”</p><p>He meets with his lawyers. Has the paperwork drawn up. Tries to discuss it with Myra, but she deflects, “Not today. Please. Just not today, Eddie.” </p><p>He always gives up.</p><p>And even though he knows he shouldn’t, Eddie counts down the days until Richie is back.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Richie</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Two months since he’d last been there, Richie now has a swanky New York apartment, fully furnished far beyond his taste level. It is provided to him by the show and he is fully determined to enjoy it. Filming will start soon and he’ll get to sit behind a flashy desk with the rest of the judges and get paid for making smartass remarks. </p><p>Basically a Richie Tozier dream job.</p><p>The last time he saw Eddie was the night after his show in New York. They kissed in his dressing room until they had to stop. Slow. They were taking things slow. And he didn’t know why he suddenly had self respect after decades of self-deprecation. Maybe it was his therapist’s fault. Maybe it was actually working? Or maybe he didn’t want to fuck things up with Eddie. He had a tendency to do that. But he couldn’t stop himself from thinking, he could have been balls deep in Eddie and he turned him down because he believed he deserved better than a quick fuck while passing through town. </p><p>He pretty much regretted it every day since.</p><p>While he was gone they didn’t talk on the phone, but they texted. In two months, he messaged Eddie more than he’s ever messaged anyone in his life. All stupid shit, pointless racy memes he hoped made him laugh. </p><p>He spent his Friday unpacking what he didn’t want the movers to touch and he can no longer hold himself back from finally writing out the one text he’d been the most nervous to send.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Richie: Look who’s a New Yorker now, baby!  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Complete with a bad selfie in front of the view of the city from his apartment.</p><p> </p><p><em> Eddie: When do I get to see it in person? </em> <em><br/></em></p><p> </p><p>Richie chews on his lip, trying to decide what to say.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Richie: What are you doing tonight?  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He paces back and forth waiting for a reply. Turning the phone screen off, he places it on the coffee table and walks into the kitchen. Though he doesn’t have anything to do there, so he walks back into the living room and stares at the phone with a blinking light. He opens the message.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Eddie: I’m free after work. Give me your address. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>By the time Eddie is being let into the building of his apartment, Richie has walked circles around the place. He changed his clothes at least four times, and sprayed on an obnoxious amount of cologne.</p><p>When he hears the knock, he opens to find Eddie smiling at him. And Richie’s heart is racing. </p><p>“I was gonna bring you a plant as a housewarming gift but decided on wine instead.”</p><p>“Wine? Do I look like a wino to you?”</p><p>“No, which is why I settled on tequila,” Eddie lifts the bottle with a grin.</p><p>“You’re gonna get us in trouble, I can already tell.”</p><p>“Let me in. Give me the tour.”</p><p>Richie shows him the kitchen and dining room which they walk into first. It’s not a large apartment but it’s more than enough for a few months and much nicer than he was anticipating the studio to pay for. </p><p>“You bougie bitch,” Eddie laughs, looking at the appliances in the kitchen.</p><p>“I don’t know what half those things are for. The studio got this place for me. Part of the contract.”</p><p>“Okay, that I believe.”</p><p>Richie’s nervous. He hasn’t seen Eddie in two months and he had already become too comfortable with the way he fit in his arms. Now he’s in his apartment, grabbing glasses like he owns the place, and pouring out shots.</p><p>“Are you trying to get me drunk so you can have your way with me?” Richies teases, hoping it'll alleviate his nerves.</p><p>“Yeah, because it worked so well last time,” Eddie scoffs.</p><p>“Is that what you were trying to do before?” Richie walks closer and takes the glass he offers him. </p><p>“Yeah, dude. But you said you wanted to take it slow.”</p><p>After two months of thinking of nothing but how much Eddie said he wanted him that night in his hotel, Richie thought getting him drunk <em> definitely </em> would work this time. But instead says, “I’m still trying to figure out if I can live with being a homewrecking dickbag.” </p><p>“You’ve been a dickbag for so long, Rich. Why stop now?”</p><p>“Ha, funny. Coming with your A-game tonight, Eddie,” he throws back his shot and slides the glass over for more.</p><p>“We’re celebrating,” Eddie says.</p><p>“What are we celebrating?”</p><p>“You being a temporary New Yorker and my impending divorce.”</p><p>“Your what?” Richie’s mouth hangs open loosely.</p><p>Eddie walks around the island in the kitchen to stand next to Richie, shoving his glass in his hand. “I am officially undergoing divorce proceedings.” He clanks their glasses and throws back his drink.</p><p>“I’m sorry?” Richie tries to sound sympathetic, but it comes out confused more than anything. </p><p>“I am too, to be honest. But not about the divorce. About the wasted time and how I hurt her. It fucking sucks. Anyway, we’re basically separated. I've been sleeping on the couch for weeks. But the most important thing I need to know now is- do you want to go on a date with me? A real one, not that practice bullshit.”</p><p>“Uh,” Richie stares at him dumbly, “Yeah?”</p><p>“Great. Where’s your bedroom?” Eddie sets his glass down with a clink, leaving Richie and the kitchen behind. He finds the hall and walks down it.</p><p>“My- what now?”</p><p>“Here it is,” Eddie calls out then walks into his room.</p><p>Richie stares back for a moment before finishing off his drink. Setting his glass on the counter he follows nervously after him. He knows what’s waiting for him but he’s still not ready for it. Eddie’s unbuttoning his dress shirt while Richie watches, wide eyed, and suddenly very nervous from the door frame. </p><p>“Your idea of a first date is to get naked? Not that I’m complaining. I don’t think-”</p><p>“You’re not? I thought you might be.”</p><p>“I might be,” Richie takes a deep breath as he stares at the fitted white undershirt. “I thought we agreed, you know, take it slow? Get to know each other again.”</p><p>“We’ve been talking for weeks. Come on, do you really think we need to wait any longer? We could die tomorrow, Rich. Let’s just have this one night together. We can go slow after that.” </p><p>“You know we’ll never go slow after that.”</p><p>“Then fuck it! I don’t give a shit if you think this will ruin our friendship. It won’t. As long as you still want to fuck me. Do you want to fuck me, Rich? Because I <em> want you </em> to fuck me. Or I can fuck you. Whatever.”</p><p>“Jesus Christ,” Richie groans, covering his eyes, “You’re gonna kill me, Eddie.”</p><p>Eddie walks over to him, wrapping his hand around Richie’s neck, he pulls him forward and kisses him harshly. Eddie whispers against his lips, “Take it out on my ass.”</p><p>“Fuck,” Richie presses his lips against him, walking him back to the bed for that. </p><p>He lays him out and pins his arms down, pressing his body into Eddie’s. </p><p>“You’re strong,” Eddie bucks his hips up. “Take your clothes off.”</p><p>“Yeah, okay,” he breathes. Richie leans back and Eddie’s hands are at his pants, yanking the zipper down while Richie fumbles, pulling the shirt he so carefully picked out off over his head. He throws it behind him and steps out of his jeans while Eddie’s ripping his undershirt off and sliding out of his pants, boxer briefs and all. Then he leans back on his elbows. </p><p>Eddie’s lying on his bed, fully bare, toned muscles, dick hard and curved towards his navel, needy and waiting for Richie who’s staring dumbly back at him.</p><p>“Holy shit,” Richie breathes. It all slams into him that it's real, Eddie's really there and it's not just one of his fantasies.</p><p>“What?” Eddie asks with concern.</p><p>“You’re just-” Richie blinks back at him, truly speechless. His body is tight. <em>Fuck.</em> He can count definable abs. And his cock- “You’re- you’re, like-”</p><p>“What?” Eddie runs his hands over his body like maybe he spilled something on himself.</p><p>“You’re way the hell out of my league,” Richie laughs quietly from his nerves and the truth.</p><p>“What?!” His brow furrows.</p><p>“You should let Ben fuck you. You’re so- You two would like-” Richie nods, pretty sure he’s made a clear point. “You know?”</p><p>Eddie closes his eyes and cuts his hand through the air, “If you don’t stop fucking with me, Richie-” </p><p>“Oh, I’m not fucking with you. You can do<em> so </em> much better than me, dude.”</p><p><em> “You’re </em> the one I was in love with in high school and you’re the one who’s gonna fuck me so we can finally, <em> finally </em> feel like something good has been given to us again. Because the last time I felt that way was with you. And if you don’t have your dick in my ass in the next ten minutes I’m going to wring your fucking neck, Richie, I swear to god!”</p><p>“That’s a hate crime.”</p><p>“Richie!”</p><p>“I’m not saying, no, but if you want to choke me out we’re gonna need a safe-”</p><p>Eddie shoulders slump in defeat, “You really don’t want to do this?” </p><p>Panicking that he's pushed too far, Richie’s already closing the space between them, “Eds, I want this so bad you just derailed my whole fucking head because you’re so hot.” Pressing his lips against Eddie’s, he says, “I’m so sorry that I’m going to be such a huge disappointment. Just- keep your expectations low.”</p><p>Eddie doesn’t laugh. He falls back on the bed and this time Richie goes with him, but now their skin is touching and Richie feels on fire. Eddie grew up and he looks like <em> that </em> and for some idiotic reason still wants Richie, with his too soft body, and his messy hair and bad jokes. Maybe it’s just fulfilling some kind of residual fantasy from high school? Maybe they both just needed to get it out of their system and Eddie can move on with his life. Just unfinished business because Eddie is seizing the day. Richie isn’t going to deprive either one of them if this is their only chance. </p><p>Kissing down his stomach, Richie moans as his lips feel the bumps of each ab. Eddie flexes, leaning up to watch. </p><p>“I remembered this, Rich. At the Jade. I remembered how you looked between my legs. I had to run away to have a panic attack in the bathroom.”</p><p>“And you still wanted more?”</p><p>“I want a lot more than this.”</p><p>Richie grabs his cock, because he can’t stop himself anymore. He pulls at it, adjusting himself better between his legs. Eddie’s leaking and Richie needs to taste him. His tongue sweeps over the head of his cock and Eddie swears so beautifully as he cries out, lying back on the bed. Richie has never been known for self control so he takes him in as deep as he’ll go. So much better at it now than the last time they'd done this. He needs this to be good for Eddie, so he bobs his head, and strokes what he can’t reach. Not enough time passes before Eddie stops him.</p><p>“Wait- wait!”</p><p>Richie freezes. Lifting his head, he asks, “Change your mind?”</p><p>“No, I need your dick.”</p><p>Richie groans dropping his head. But he gets off of the bed quickly and finally removes his boxers. </p><p>He's surprised when Eddie shifts to the end of the bed and his hand is immediately on Richie, stroking him firmly, like he knows what he’s doing and he isn’t afraid. And Richie is frozen again, not sure what to do with his hands because Eddie’s pulling him off. Eddie's hands are on his prick like he needs it.</p><p>“Why is your dick bigger than I remember?”</p><p>Richie’s looking down at him in awe, watching the way his wrist twists just right. “Probably because you were too afraid to ever really look. I told you I had a big dick.” </p><p>“No, it’s definitely bigger.”</p><p>“It’s not. It probably only seems that way because you know where it’s going-”</p><p>Richie shivers as Eddie’s thumb grazes over his wet tip. He bends over to kiss him. Eddie’s tongue is in his mouth and his hand is pumping his cock and Richie knows he could die happy in this moment. </p><p>Eddie pulls away from him though, then flips onto his stomach, getting up on his knees, giving Richie a perfect view of his ass. “Here,” he throws a bottle of lube at him and a condom. “I already- <em> you know-” </em></p><p>Richie has to pinch himself off at the base of his cock, “You fingered yourself open?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Eddie admits.</p><p>Richie nearly falls over him. He rips open the foil packet and rolls the condom on which Eddie watches with smug satisfaction over his shoulder. Then Richie pulls at his hips and adjusts him closer to the end of the bed. He allows his hands to wander over Eddie’s spine, trailing down his back. His thumb grazes over his hole and Eddie’s moaning impatiently, “Come on, Richie.”</p><p>Breaking out of his trance, Richie gets enough lube on his dick and extra on his fingers to trace over his hole. Eddie hisses when he pushes one in and he’s still loose.</p><p>“Were you thinking about me when you did this to yourself?” Richie adds another finger and moves them carefully. </p><p>“Stop gloating. Just- shut up and fuck me,” Eddie rocks back on his fingers.</p><p>Richie almost collapses on him, “Okay, okay.” </p><p>He lines himself up and can’t believe this is finally happening. That Eddie wants him so bad after so long. Bad enough to work himself open in anticipation for it. Richie’s nervous but he grips Eddie’s hips to help steady his hands as he pushes into him slowly.</p><p>“Fuck,” Eddie sighs.</p><p>Moving his hands up his side, enough to feel his ribs, Richie brings his hands around, feeling his stomach. Leaning over him, Richie pushes in further, giving Eddie time to adjust. Balancing on one hand on the bed, he kisses the top of Eddie’s spine and whispers, “Relax. It’s okay.”</p><p>Eddie nods and Richie leans back. He uses his hand, still sticky with lube, to stroke his cock. </p><p>“Goddamn,” Eddie sighs.</p><p>“You okay?” Richie asks, worried it’s too much. Too fast.</p><p>“Yeah, pretty good. Why are you so fuckin’ huge?” </p><p>Richie smiles, “You’re gonna beg for it someday.” </p><p>“Pretty sure I'm am now.”</p><p>He pulls out slowly then presses back in, stroking Eddie’s cock.</p><p>“Oh, fuck, Rich.”</p><p>“Next time you can fuck me if you want.”</p><p>“Just, shut up and do it.”</p><p>Richie doesn’t pull out, instead he pumps Eddie’s dick again. Concerned that it might be painful, he says, “I’m serious. Are you okay? We don’t have to keep going if it’s too much.”</p><p>Eddie slaps his hand off his cock, “I’m trying not to jizz all over your bed, can you just hurry up?” </p><p>"Oh."</p><p>Grabbing his hips, Richie does pull out, then thrusts back in. Still going slowly. Allowing Eddie’s body to adjust. And he can’t help looking down in awe at the way his cock looks as he pushes in with each thrust. And Eddie just takes him. He’s fucking Eddie, <em> his </em> Eddie. The same one he’s been in love with for decades and he never imagined they could have anything beyond that last amazing summer.</p><p>But Eddie’s on his bed and he’s actually pushing back against him as Richie thrusts forward, fucking faster. He can hear the moans and pleas and Richie knows he’s not going to last long. </p><p>So he reaches around again to grab Eddie’s cock, and starts pumping with intention as he fucks him harder. </p><p>“Oh, shit!” Eddie tenses and Richie can feel it.</p><p>"God, Eds. Fuck," Richie sighs.</p><p>He can feel sweat on his brow and it's all building too fast. It's too much. He lets go of Eddie's dick to grip his hips, pulling him back on his cock, thrusting in faster, and harder, and Eddie's swearing beneath him so Richie knows he's coming. And how the hell did Richie convince him he wanted this? Wanted <em>him?</em> It's too much. It'll never be enough. He'll never get enough of Eddie.</p><p>Richie feels the build deep and low, and he knows he's close but he doesn't want it to be over. So he holds on, until he can't. Until the wave of his orgasm overwhelms him, passing through his limbs. Making him hold his eyes closed tight and in the darkness of it all he feels Eddie around him as he comes. </p><p>Eddie wanted this. He wanted it just as much as Richie did.</p><p>They're both breathing hard as Richie pulls out. He collapses next to Eddie on the bed.</p><p>“Holy shit.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Richie agrees.</p><p>“Fuck.”</p><p>“We certainly did.”</p><p>“We’re gonna do that again, right?” Eddie asks.</p><p>“I really fucking hope so.”</p><p>Richie reaches down to take the condom off, ties the end and is about to drop it on the floor when Eddie says, “Dude, throw it away.” He sits up to ask, “Can I take a shower? I actually don’t care what you say. I’m going to take a shower.” </p><p>“Throw this away,” Richie holds out the condom.</p><p>“Gross, dude.”</p><p>“It was in <em> your </em> ass!”</p><p>Eddie takes it reluctantly, walking away from Richie’s bed, who is watching him with one eye open. Eddie calls out, “Order some food or something.”</p><p>“Yep. Okay,” taking a deep breath. Richie lies on his bed for too long, listening to the sounds of the shower start. Eventually he pushes himself from the bed and dresses quickly. </p><p>He orders food, pours himself another shot of tequila, and sits down in front of his TV. Scrolling through movie titles, absently he selects one and hits play, just for some noise in the apartment. The sound of the shower seems too loud and it’s weird, now, isn’t it? He and Eddie just fucked. He’s taking a shower in his temporary bathroom and then- then Richie doesn’t know what the hell to think. </p><p>He tries not to get ahead of himself. Eddie is in the middle of ending one relationship, it’s not like he wants to jump into another one. So Richie’s gonna play it cool. Just be chill. Go with whatever flow Eddie is flowing. </p><p>The water turns off and he immediately fumbles the remote, dropping it on the hardwood floor until the back pops off. He’s able to piece it together just as the door opens. A few minutes later Eddie walks out, hair fluffy but wet, wearing one of Richie’s shirts and sweatpants. The sight of it make Richie's heart ache but he doesn't say anything as Eddie plops himself down on the couch. </p><p>“Oh, fuck,” Eddie adjusts from the pain that must be in his ass.</p><p>Richie can't hide his smirk at that.</p><p>“Shut up,” Eddie replies quickly.</p><p>But Richie looks down at his shirt, lifting an eyebrow.</p><p>“I’m not gonna put my suit back on, come on, man.”</p><p>The corner of Richie’s mouth turns up in a smile, “Nah, it’s a good look on you.” </p><p>“I think I’ll stick with bespoke over Spencer Gifts, but these are fine for now.”  </p><p>“You call me the bougie bitch?” Richie smiles.</p><p>Eddie fights the remote out of his hand and pushes his shoulder against Richie who lifts his arm to make room. Eddie closes out of the movie and they argue over what to watch until the food arrives when they finally make a selection. </p><p>After they finish eating, Richie asks nervously, “Are you staying tonight?”</p><p>Eddie doesn’t look at him but Richie can feel him tense up, “Do you want me to?”</p><p>“I only have one bed, which is probably covered in your splooge, but I’m down to share it with you if you want.”</p><p>“Cool,” Eddie says. “Yeah, okay.”</p><p>“Cool,” Richie repeats, trying to remain calm. Forcing himself to relax.</p><p>Eddie takes out his phone, “Okay. I have to text her though. She’ll lose her shit if I just don’t come home.”</p><p>Richie’s chest feels tight, suddenly worried that maybe Eddie lied about his marriage, “You <em> are </em> getting a divorce though, right?”</p><p>“Yes! I have a lawyer, and like I said I’m sleeping on the couch, but she’s kind of in denial. She thinks therapy will help. Which, I’ve obviously turned down.”</p><p>“I don’t think you guys need therapy. I think she needs a strap-on.”</p><p>Eddie elbows him as he types out a message and hits send. </p><p>Richie's still worried that maybe he hurt Eddie, unsure if he liked it or not, so he asks, “No, for real though. What- ah, you know- how was it?” </p><p>“It… was… good,” Eddie says carefully.</p><p>“Oh, great. Way to inflate my ego,” Richie rolls his eyes. “Look, if you don’t like it we don’t have to do it like that again. We could try something else. You just gotta tell me, man. It's not everyone's thing, so we can figure something else out. Something you'll like more.”</p><p>“No,” Eddie nods his head, pursing his lips in determination, “No, we’re <em> definitely </em> doing that again.”</p><p>“Yeah?” Richie breaks into a big grin.</p><p>“Yes. Definitely.” </p><p>“You <em> looove </em> my huge cock up your ass,” Richie teases.</p><p>“Okay,” Eddie closes his eyes to shrug, “That’s not what I- Your dick isn’t <em> that </em> big, dude. I mean, like above average, yes. Not pornstar.”</p><p>“Looked like pornstar cock when I was fuckin’ you with those slender hips of yours.”</p><p>“Well, you’re not doing it again if you keep gloating.”</p><p>Richie mimes zipping his lips. </p><p>They return to watching the movie and break out a little more tequila. Eddie’s practically in his lap by the time the film is done, and Richie feels like he’s flying. When they’re both exhausted, Richie finally pulls him from the couch. They walk back to his room where Eddie pulls the top comforter off and finds another blanket in Richie’s closet to replace it. </p><p>“You moved all your stuff here from LA?” Eddie asks, climbing underneath the covers.</p><p>Richie follows on the other side, “Most of this is studio shit. I just brought my clothes and basics, you know laptop for work. That’s about it.”</p><p>Eddie makes himself comfortable next to Richie and asks, “What are you working on? For the show?”</p><p>“No, no. I’m-” he’s nervous to even suggest it but he wants to tell someone, “I’m writing new material for my act. Like, so it’ll be <em> my </em> show. I told you I want to come out publicly. I’m gonna need to go through a lot of re-branding if I want to keep doing comedy, so I’m just trying to be prepared for that. Also the girlfriend shtick won’t exactly work anymore.”</p><p>“Aw, Rich. I think that’s amazing. Your material is so much funnier than the shit they write for you anyway.”</p><p>“You think so?”</p><p>“Definitely.”</p><p>Richie wraps his arms and pulls him in, kissing the pulse in Eddie’s neck. He whispers, “I really enjoyed fucking you this evening. Thank you for forcing me to have sex with you.”</p><p>“I didn’t force you!”</p><p>“You did, you totally did. My dick was held hostage by your ass. Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed our first date.”</p><p>“Was that really our first date?”</p><p>“Eds, we’ve had so many first dates. You pick whichever one you want and I’ll go with it. Nine Inch Nails is still pretty high up there for me. I don’t even mind the one where I jerked you off and you kicked the shit out of me.” Richie takes Eddie’s left hand, and it feels different without the scar but he traces the same patterns he used to. “Our first kiss was pretty great. I think the whole world stopped for me at that point. If that kid could see us now.”</p><p>“I wish I wouldn’t have been so afraid- maybe things would have been different.”</p><p>“It’s good now, though, right? You’re good?”</p><p>Eddie breaks apart from Richie’s hand to hold him tightly along the waist, “Yeah, Rich. I’m pretty awesome right now.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I've been in love with Kevin Farley (and 2gether) for far too long. 💗</p><p>Today is the 26th anniversary of the NIN Mudstock concert!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Eddie</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Come on,” Eddie hits Richie’s leg and stands from the couch.</p>
<p>“What?” </p>
<p>“We’re going out. We’re going on an <em> actual </em> date. We’re not staying inside fucking all day.”</p>
<p>“You sure about that?” Richie smiles, leering at him. “Think I could go for exactly that, staying inside fucking all day.”</p>
<p>“That’s all we do.” </p>
<p>“And you’re so good at it.”</p>
<p>Eddie glares at him but then relents, “And we’ll continue to do that <em> after </em> the date.” He hits Richie’s leg again, "Come on."</p>
<p>“Wait, wait,” Richie shifts forward. “Okay, normally I wouldn’t ask because normally I’d never do anything like this, but do you mean go out and stand four feet away from each other the entire time because we’re bros? Or, like, holding hands, kissing in public, actual PDA, straight people shit?”</p>
<p>“Uh, I don’t know.”</p>
<p>“Look, I’m only asking because the paparazzi are going to be all over my ass if they see us holding hands. And it’s not just me, that means you too. They’re gonna try to figure out who you are.”</p>
<p>“Shit,” Eddie sits back down. “I didn’t think of that.”</p>
<p>“Dude, I would have taken you out on a real date before now if it were that easy.” Richie leans in to nuzzle against his neck, “We don’t <em> have </em> to go out, though.”</p>
<p>Eddie has been at Richie’s nearly everyday the last three weeks since he moved to New York. Most nights they only have time for a quick fuck and supper before Eddie has to go back home. It isn’t about Myra. He still has work most mornings and it isn’t like he is going to ask Richie if he can keep shit at his place. But then Richie started to provide little items for him. A toothbrush for the weekends when he was very much encouraged to stay. Some clothes of Richie's, set aside specially for Eddie. Eddie does relent on those nights, when he doesn’t have to be up early for work the next day.</p>
<p>“Do you still want to come out publicly?” Eddie asks carefully.</p>
<p>“Yes, actually. I’m extremely ready to get that bullshit over with.”</p>
<p>“Then, what’s stopping you? Do you not want to be seen with me?”</p>
<p>Laughing, Richie falls more comfortably against Eddie, “Do you know how out of my league you are? You actually don’t, do you?” He sighs, laughing, “Oh, that’s great.”</p>
<p>Eddie furrows his brow at him. “Stop fucking with me, do you want to go out or not?”</p>
<p>“Do <em> you? </em> If you want to <em> out </em> me with your exhibitionist ass, I’m all in. But I’m warning you now, they’ll find out who you are. Could make your divorce messy.”</p>
<p>“It’s already bad,” Eddie winces. Trying to bring up a meeting with their lawyers sets Myra in a tailspin of panic and devastation, and Eddie is overcome with guilt for being the reason. He hasn't had much progress because of it.</p>
<p>“Yeah, but this is a whole other level,” Richie continues. “We could just lay low until you finalize.”</p>
<p>“No. No, Richie. It’s going to take months because she doesn’t want to sign. I mean, maybe if Myra seeing us together will be good? Maybe she’ll finally get it.” </p>
<p>“She knows about us?” Richie asks nervously.</p>
<p>“Not you. She knows there’s someone. A man-”</p>
<p>“Shit, you told her that? You came out?” </p>
<p>“Yeah, I thought it might make it easier for her,” Eddie shrugs. “You know, to know there’s not another woman.”</p>
<p>Richie’s eyebrows shoot up. “Well, in that case,” Richie smiles at him, “Do you want to go all out? I mean, if this is my- <em> our </em> coming out party, might as well make it obvious, right?”</p>
<p>Eddie’s hesitant when he asks, “What do you have in mind?” </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“We are <em> way </em> too old to be here,” Eddie’s shoulder is firmly pressed against Richie’s as they pass the line and bouncer to get into the club.</p>
<p>A gay club. </p>
<p>Richie took him to a gay bar. Shirtless men, much younger than them walk past. So far no one recognizes Richie besides the man at the door who let them skip the line, but Eddie knows it’s only a matter of time.</p>
<p>“We’re not too old, dude. We’re reliving our stolen youth,” Richie’s tugging his hand.</p>
<p>“Stolen by whom?” </p>
<p>“Uh, the homophobes in Derry. Come on.” </p>
<p>Eddie grumbles but holds onto Richie as he’s being dragged through the club. Despite living in New York as long as he has, he’s never been anywhere like this before. Half naked men are pressed against each other all over the club. The dance floor is particularly obscene with men sweating and grinding all over each other. Eddie gets a little mesmerised by it, and he thinks Richie does too until Richie’s pulling at him again and they’re finding an empty reserved booth in the back.</p>
<p>When a man appears to take their order (entirely too muscular, wearing hot pants and not much else), Richie opens a tab and instructs him to keep them coming.</p>
<p>“Did you name drop yourself before we got here?”</p>
<p>“Uh,” Richie’s eyes shift around, “I may have called in while you were getting ready, you know, to give them a heads up. Look, it’s one of the perks of fame and I’m cashing in.”</p>
<p>“I’m not complaining,” Eddie says, throwing back one of the shots left at the table.</p>
<p>“Me either,” Richie looks around the club. </p>
<p>Eddie suddenly gets jealous at the way he’s looking at the other men, “Do you do this a lot?”</p>
<p>“Not alone. Never on a date. Never to hook up. Basically I stay ten feet away from men at all times if I do.”</p>
<p>“But if you’re <em> out </em> you can,” Eddie reminds him, gesturing towards the floor. </p>
<p>They haven’t really discussed what their expectations are, so the suggestion makes Eddie nervous. As far as he knows, Richie’s never been in an actual relationship with a man. Hookups, definitely, but nothing substantial that he's aware of. And even though Eddie knows Richie likes having him around, he doesn’t know what that means. Or if he wants it to be anything more than what they are. </p>
<p>And Eddie sure as hell isn’t at this club for the other men, but all he’s known has been serious relationships. His guard is finally lowered for once in his life and he does find that it’s easier to look at men now. Despite being with Richie, and really only wanting to be with Richie, he can’t deny that he gets a thrill being able to look without feeling the guilt and pressure that he’s placed on himself all those years.</p>
<p>Richie’s eyes snap back on him when he answers, “I’m here with <em> you.” </em> He’s serious when he says it. The certainty in his voice makes Eddie’s stomach clench.</p>
<p>“I know, but I’d understand if-” he gestures towards the men in the crowd. It hurts him to say it but they both have been holding themselves back for so long.</p>
<p>Richie slides closer to him in the booth. Smiling sadly, he asks, “Can I kiss you here? People might take pictures.”</p>
<p>Eddie just nods his head. He’s beyond fucking sick of dealing with what other people think.</p>
<p>Richie’s hand reaches out for him and cups his cheek, the one with the scar. His thumb rubs over it delicately before Richie’s leaning in and Eddie’s meeting him. They’re kissing. They’re kissing in public where everyone can see and Eddie’s heart is racing because he knows this is going to change things. But Richie wants to do this. With him. Be seen with <em> him. </em>And Eddie can hardly believe it.</p>
<p>When they separate, Richie grabs a shot and throws it back, handing one to Eddie. “I love drunk Eddie. Let’s get you wasted!” </p>
<p>“What?” Eddie laughs at him, pretending he doesn't know what he means, but takes another just to see that smile Richie's giving him grow wider.</p>
<p>Once they both feel sufficiently buzzed, Richie tugs at Eddie’s hands, forcing him to stand, and drags him to the dance floor.</p>
<p>“No, no, no,” Eddie laughs, allowing himself to be pulled along anyway.</p>
<p>“Come on! You have to dance with me. This is like fulfilling a high school fantasy or some shit.”</p>
<p>Eddie tries to give him a serious glare but he doesn’t think he manages it, because the corner of his mouth crooks up into a smile and he relents, “Okay. Okay.”</p>
<p>When they reach the dance floor the music is too loud. Eddie can feel the bass thumping in his chest and he kind of wishes he had earplugs. He’s nervous but no one seems to be watching. Richie grabs his hands and forces him to jump to the beat. There are too many bodies and what they’re doing isn’t really dancing, but it feels good to move. Richie wraps his arms around him and kisses him again and not a single person gives a fuck. Lights are strobing and lasers pulse rhymically to the music above their heads. Smoke is released occasionally, and Eddie’s never done anything like this before. He feels wild and reckless and safer than he’s been in years. </p>
<p>They dance until they’re dripping with sweat and exhausted from the exertion. Then Richie kisses him again, slow and deep while everyone continues to dance around them.</p>
<p>When they finally leave the dance floor, they decide to explore the rest of the club. The maze leads to other themed rooms and bars, mostly much quieter than the main club. They find their way to the back which is a nearly blacked out room. It takes time for their eyes to adjust as they enter but when they do they see men standing, watching towards a wall. </p>
<p>Richie grabs Eddie's shoulders and steers him into the far back of the room but positions him in a window between other people so he can see. </p>
<p>"Oh, shit," Eddie breathes as his eyes finally adjust to the dark. </p>
<p>A large clear vertical box can be seen with soft lighting. There's a very nearly naked man inside and he's wet. Eddie can see now, it's a shower. There are dollar bills lining the inside of the glass walls and a slit towards the bottom. </p>
<p>Someone slides a bill in and the man winks from behind the glass.</p>
<p>Pulling his tight black underwear down, he uses his dick to press against the glass, thrusting the money up high enough to grab it with his hands. </p>
<p>“Fuck,” Richie’s breathing into Eddie’s ear.</p>
<p>He’s finally realizing that Richie has his arms wrapped around him. His hand is on his stomach and it’s reminding Eddie of Woodstock. </p>
<p>Only now, Richie can nuzzle in against his ear. He whispers, “You’d look so hot like that, Eddie. God your body is a thousand times hotter than his.”</p>
<p>Eddie doubts that’s true, this kid has got to be mid-twenties at the oldest, and he looks like a model. He’s pulling at his dick and the way Richie’s hands are kneading into his abdomen is turning him on. When he pushes his ass back against him, he can feel how hard Richie is. </p>
<p>He’s never done anything like this before. Sure, he’s been dragged to strip clubs in college and felt disgusted the entire time, which, looking back there’s probably a lot more to unpack in that then he realized at the time. But watching this man get naked in front of him, lathering himself up, stroking his dick hard, with Richie against his back leaves Eddie breathless. </p>
<p>Richie’s hand teases at the band of his pants and he whispers, “Beating you off at Woodstock was the highlight of my entire teenage years. I was so scared and nervous to have my hand wrapped around your cock.” Richie’s hand stays over his clothes, but he pushes lower.</p>
<p>Eddie gasps and he presses fingers along the length of his cock. His eyes are still planted on the man in front of them, but he’s only thinking about Richie. Turning around in his arms, he kisses him, hands gripped tightly in his hair. He feels like he’s drowning, so deeply in love with this man that he’s barely known again for weeks.</p>
<p>But he’s still the same Richie. Foulmouthed, and quick witted, but he tailors it back now. He knows when to push and when to let it slide. And the vulnerability he’s shared with Eddie, actually vocalizing his fears instead of masking it with comedy. Eddie’s heart swells each time Richie lets him in a little more. It’s like a secret only for them, and Eddie doesn’t understand why Richie’s allowing him to be part of it, but he is. And Eddie loves him for it. There isn’t much else he can do but love him for everything he is.</p>
<p>The naked man in the shower is probably still putting on a show, but Eddie doesn’t give a fuck about him. He’s got Richie fucking Tozier grabbing at his arms. </p>
<p>“Is this enough of a date, Eds? Can we just go home and fuck now?”</p>
<p>Laughing easily, “Okay, okay. Just wait-”</p>
<p>Eddie pulls a twenty dollar bill out of his wallet and puts it in the hole at the bottom of the shower. He tries to avoid making eye contact as he scampers quickly back to Richie, then they leave the room hand-in-hand. </p>
<p>They find their way back to their reserved booth and decide to stay for a few more drinks. Eddie’s genuinely enjoying the atmosphere. Richie’s whispering along his ear, between kissing his neck and kissing him fully. Both high from the night and the realization that this is something they can do now.</p>
<p>“Holy fuck, bro-”</p>
<p>Richie turns away from Eddie to see some kid with his shirt off, pecs showing and well toned body all around.</p>
<p>“You’re Trashmouth, right?” He asks. “The fun has just begun!” </p>
<p>Richie smiles at Eddie, “Showtime, I guess.” Then turns to them, “Yep. You want a picture?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, dude! Holy fuck.”</p>
<p>Eddie gets out of the way while a few of the college-age adonises crowd around for pictures. “I didn’t know you liked dick!” One of them says.</p>
<p>Eddie doesn’t know how Richie’s going to react, but he just says, “Yeah, man. I love dick. I love it so much I’m thinking about changing my name to Dick. Make it official.”</p>
<p>“I’m not calling you Dick.” It’s so stupid, Eddie sputters a laugh.</p>
<p>“You call me dick all the time,” Richie fires back with a grin.</p>
<p>When others in the club see what’s going on, the crowd grows larger. Richie says to Eddie, “Can you go close the tab? I think it’s time to split.”</p>
<p>Finding the bartender takes much longer when he’s not attached to Richie, but he manages to settle up. When he finds him again, the crowd is much larger. Richie’s making jokes but when he spots Eddie he calls out, “My date is here, boys! I’m about to get laid. You guys have a great night.” Then he pushes through the crowd to wrap his arm around Eddie’s shoulder.</p>
<p>When they break out into the night, finally breathing fresh, cool air, Richie laughs against Eddie, “Your man’s a star!”</p>
<p>“He is,” Eddie looks up at him with wide, happy eyes. Grabbing his shirt, he pulls him down until they’re kissing and laughing against each other’s mouths.</p>
<p>“Trashmouth! Richie Tozier! Are you gay? Richie!” Flashes of lights go off and Eddie has to cover his eyes.</p>
<p>Richie leans in to say to him, “Aaand that would be the paps.” Turning towards them he says, “Alright guys, you got your picture. You’ll have a great story tomorrow. Just fuck off now.”</p>
<p>“Richie! Are you gay? What about your girlfriend? Richie!”</p>
<p>“Your mother and I are still very happy together, but sometimes you just need to spice things up a bit.” Richie answers back to the photographer.</p>
<p>More blinding flashes go off in his face and Eddie’s ducking to hide from them, “What’s your name? How do you know Richie?” </p>
<p>“Come on,” Richie wraps his arm around Eddie’s shoulder and directs him down the road. He’s able to hail a cab and soon they’re driving away from the club.</p>
<p>“Sorry,” Richie says ruefully.</p>
<p>Eddie smiles at him. “It was kind of cool, Rich. I’m okay with it.” He teases, “My man’s a celebrity! He’s so famous. Oh my god, he has fans!”</p>
<p>“Shut the fuck up,” Richie rolls his eyes with a smile. “<em> You </em> were a fan. Don’t even deny it.”</p>
<p>“So what if I was? That do anything for ya? No, you know what, I <em> know </em> what does something for you-”</p>
<p>“No, don’t say it. Eddie please-”</p>
<p>“Me, in those shorts. Break out the high socks-”</p>
<p>“God, why did I ever tell you that?”</p>
<p>“Fanny pack-”</p>
<p>“Kill me, please.”</p>
<p>“I’ll do it for you if you really want.”</p>
<p>“You would?” Richie’s staring at him, fighting back a gulp.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Eddie shrugs. </p>
<p>There really isn’t much he wouldn’t do for Richie.</p>
<p>The drive is short but by the time they reach Richie’s apartment, Eddie is exhausted.</p>
<p>Richie laughs at him, “You’re such a lightweight. Normally in bed by 10 PM sharp, right?”</p>
<p>“Not all of us have the luxury of working the bar scene for a living. Some of us have real jobs.” Eddie adds, “I’m taking a shower. I can’t go to sleep covered in sweat.” </p>
<p>“You have before,” Richie says suggestively, grabbing his arm, pulling him in, nuzzling next to his neck. “I love it when you’re covered in sweat.”</p>
<p>“You wanna join me?”</p>
<p>Richie turns him around and pushes him in the direction of his bathroom, “Yes. The answer to that question is always yes.”</p>
<p>They stumble into the bathroom. Eddie pulls himself from Richie long enough to turn on the water in the shower and wait for it to warm up.</p>
<p>“Wasting water, Eds,” Richie mumbles against his lips.</p>
<p>Stripping each other of their clothes, Eddie pushes Richie towards the shower, “Get in then, asshole.”  </p>
<p>“Fuck! You’re so bossy. I love it. You’re like this angry little chihuahua, so mean. It drives me crazy.”</p>
<p>As Richie turns to step in, Eddie smacks his ass. Eddie climbs in after him, pushing him to the back so he can get under the water. “What’s that say about you?”</p>
<p>“That I have low self esteem and need therapy. We’ve already covered that. Turn around.” </p>
<p>Richie grabs Eddie’s hips and maveuvers him so his back is against Richie’s chest as he steps behind him. He rubs his hard prick against the cleft of Eddie’s ass and Eddie pushes back against him. </p>
<p>“Are we doing this here?” Richie asks. </p>
<p>“I don’t care, just put your hand on my dick.”</p>
<p>Gladly, Richie does.</p>
<p>He strokes him as he thrusts against Eddie’s ass. Prying himself away long enough, ignoring Eddie’s complaints much to his displeasure, Richie reaches for shampoo and pours a generous amount on Eddie’s back then into Richie’s hand. He lathers it up a bit before leaving the bottle forgotten on the shelf and returns his full attention to Eddie’s cock. This time when he pushes against Eddie’s ass, it’s slick and perfect, and Eddie wants to collapse into that strong hand that knows how to grip him. When Richie strokes him, he leans further against his back, pushing his hard cock against Eddie’s lower back. A wild thought filters in that he can’t believe they’re doing this. That they’re <em>allowed. </em></p>
<p>Richie pulls an obscene moan from him. He should be embarrassed but he feels too good from the night they’ve had to give a fuck. “You’re so fuckin’ good, Richie,” the echo of Eddie’s voice carries around the room.</p>
<p>It doesn’t take long before Richie is pulling Eddie how he likes, and he’s coming in ribbons down the drain. A broken part of Eddie’s mind reminds him that semen isn’t good for the pipes, but he keeps his lips closed at he turns to kiss Richie, grinding his too sensitive, softening dick against him. </p>
<p>Richie’s still so hard, jutting out, so red and pleading for attention. But Eddie takes his time with his lips, kissing him tenderly. Teasing him. </p>
<p>He runs his hands through his hair, slicking it back wet and dark, then trails his palms to Richie’s chest. The hair there is much thicker than his own, not what he’d except Richie to have after all these years but it drives him insane. His hands slip down lower, feeling over the rough hair of his abdomen, where he knows Richie’s insecure. But it only makes Eddie smile into his mouth even more. Finally his hands land over his thighs, where he squeezes teasingly, so thick and muscular. It makes Eddie feel crazy. Feel invincible. Like he’d do anything for him.</p>
<p>So he drops to his knees and pumps Richie’s cock a few times before taking him into his mouth.</p>
<p>“Jesus, fuck, Eds!” Richie swears.</p>
<p>And Eddie smiles with his lips wrapped around him. They haven’t done this yet. Not quite like this. But Eddie’s finding quickly that he loves the way Richie’s cock feels in his mouth where he can still taste the shampoo. And the way his hands are carding through his hair feel so good. The water’s running over his face and it’s difficult to breathe, but that makes it hotter too. Everywhere he’s filled by Richie and the steam of the shower around them. The panting moans he listens to warn him that he’s getting close.</p>
<p>Richie doesn’t give him much more than that, but Eddie knows, so he pulls off of his cock and strokes hard, aiming close, and finally satisfied when Richie comes on his face. He can feel it over his eyebrow and eye, across his cheek and nose. He licks out to taste what landed on his lip.</p>
<p>“Oh fuck, Eddie.”</p>
<p>He opens one eye to see Richie staring down at him in awe. Eddie’s heart swells as Richie helps him stand and takes his thumb to wipe at his eye.</p>
<p>“I can’t believe you did that. I can barely see it, but it’s hot as fuck.”</p>
<p>Eddie wants to get it washed off his face but doesn’t have the chance as Richie’s pushing in against him, kissing him hard and demanding, and of course Eddie has to give in. He wraps his arms around him and kisses him until he’s pretty sure that Richie knows how much he loves him. Then pulls away.</p>
<p>“Clean off my face, jackass,” Eddie smiles at him, without bite, as he wipes at what rubbed onto Richie’s face.</p>
<p>Grabbing his shoulders, Richie moves him so he can stand under the water. Eddie rinses his face and scrubs it the best he can then grabs the shampoo for his hair and cleans the rest of his body. All while trying to hide the smile, knowing that Richie is watching and enjoying the show.</p>
<p>“So much hotter than the guy at the club.”</p>
<p>Eddie moves out of the way and pushes Richie towards the water, “Yeah, because I sucked you off at the end.” </p>
<p>He’s about to climb out just as Richie reaches for him, settling his teeth along his neck as he bites playfully, “No, Eds, you’re like the hottest guy I’ve ever seen, man.”</p>
<p>“Okay, Rich,” he rolls his eyes a little as he says it. And to shut Richie up he gives him a quick peck on the lips before stepping out of the shower so Richie can finish.</p>
<p>He laughs to himself as he listens to Richie’s offkey singing while he towels himself dry. Stepping out of the bathroom he walks to Richie’s closet and finds a pair of pajama pants to sleep in. Normally he’d find a shirt, but tonight he wants his chest to be bare. He wants the least amount of layers between them when sleep. </p>
<p>Richie turns the water off and finally emerges with a dopey smile on his face that he’s always saved for Eddie. It makes his stomach jump as he walks past him back into the bathroom to brush his teeth.</p>
<p>By the time he’s out, Richie is already in bed, smiling at him, patting next to the empty space he’s saved. And when Eddie crawls in and Richie wraps his arms around him, he feels the most sense of belonging he’s ever felt. Here with Richie, in his arms, it’s where he’s always meant to be.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Richie</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Richie wakes from the vibrations of his phone on his nightstand. Groaning, he fumbles blindly for his glasses and blinks at the screen reading <em> Jason Fuchs. </em></p>
<p>“Shit,” he mumbles getting out of bed.</p>
<p>“Everything okay?” Eddie’s voice is hoarse and Richie’s not sure if he’s even awake yet.</p>
<p>“Uh, yeah. Go back to sleep.” He answers the phone and closes the door behind him as he leaves his bedroom. “Alright, how much shit am I in?”</p>
<p><em> “Brand or studio?" </em>Jason answers.</p>
<p>“Um, let's go with studio first. Did I just reduce my episode count?”</p>
<p>
  <em> “Depends on how you handle it. If you make an announcement and give some kind of sob story they’ll probably be increasing your episodes. You’re giving them a lot of publicity right now. But if it’s attached to a scandal they might cut your airtime. I can get a statement ready for you but I’m gonna need the story. You’re on thin ice but they’re waiting on you before making a move.” </em>
</p>
<p>“Okay, I’ll get back to you on the sob story,” Richie closes his eyes as he settles in on the couch in the living room.</p>
<p>
  <em> “Do I need to get the NDA ready?” </em>
</p>
<p>“No! Eddie’s cool. He’s-” Richie knows he’ll have to tell Jason eventually but he isn’t sure what Eddie wants public. “We’ve known each other since we were kids. It’s fine.”</p>
<p>
  <em> “You know when they come knocking with a few thousand for a story he might change his mind.” </em>
</p>
<p>Richie laughed, “He doesn’t give a shit about that. Believe me.”</p>
<p><em> “Okay, so no animosity between you. Good friends. That works. We don’t have to worry about his side. Then you should be fine with the show,” </em> Richie can hear Jason typing through the line.</p>
<p>“Uh, well, it’s not entirely smooth sailing. He’s married.”</p>
<p>
  <em> “Shit.” </em>
</p>
<p>Richie cringes as he says it, “To a woman.”</p>
<p>
  <em> “Okay, so there’s the scandal.” </em>
</p>
<p>“But they’re separated. Separating.”</p>
<p><em> “I can work with that.” </em> Jason sighs, <em>"Unofficially, what’s the story? Hook up when you’re in town?” </em></p>
<p>Richie huffs a laugh, “Unofficially- and I mean <em> unofficial, </em> Jason, don’t you fuck me over on this- we’ve, you know, we’re-” Richie can’t make himself confess his love for Eddie to his manager, so he tries instead, “We care about each other and we’re, like, dating or whatever. And I saved his life in Derry. Remember that guy I killed?”</p>
<p>
  <em> “Jesus Christ, Richie. Yes, I remember the man you killed. What a fucking PR nightmare. You saved him from that guy?” </em>
</p>
<p>“Uh,” Richie was thinking about the house on Neibolt, but since that was much more difficult to explain he replies, “Basically. Bowers stabbed him in the face.”</p>
<p>
  <em> “Shit, I remember that from the police report. That’s who this guy is?” </em>
</p>
<p>“Uh, huh.”</p>
<p>Jason is quiet for quite some time, Richie can hear the furious typing on the other line and it makes him nervous. </p>
<p>
  <em> “You know, if you swing a high school sweetheart scenario- you saved his life, it sparked a romance- you could be the next NPH. This could really help pivot your image, Rich. The screenplay practically writes itself. I don’t know why you’d want to cover up that story.” </em>
</p>
<p>He grimaces into the phone at the idea of using his relationship with Eddie for the advancement of his career, “No. We’re not gonna do that, so just, stop whatever you have planned. Remove the dollar signs from your eyes.” </p>
<p>
  <em> “The studio would probably make you a full time judge. Definitely secure a spot for next year-” </em>
</p>
<p>“No! Besides, I don’t know what Eddie wants out there in the public. Just, write a statement about me so I can get it over with. Leave him out of it for now.” Richie sighs. “Speaking of that, how’s the Brand holding up?” There’s a long pause so Richie says, “Fucked? Okay. Alright. Well, I expected that.”</p>
<p>
  <em> “You didn’t have to do it this way. We talked about putting out a statement. Easing into it-” </em>
</p>
<p>“When do I ever do things the easy way?”</p>
<p>Richie tunes out the report of how his fanbase is responding after Jason says something about videos of burning merchandise. There really wasn’t going to be a good way to come out to them and he was expecting that. When the call ends he drops his head in his hands and sighs.</p>
<p>“Bad news?” </p>
<p>Richie looks up to see Eddie in the hallway, pajama pants hung low on his hips, hair disheveled, the sight of him is enough to push everything else out of his mind and drag him back into the bedroom to get the rest of his clothes off. He doesn’t. But he definitely thinks about it.</p>
<p>“Nothing I wasn’t expecting,” Richie admits. </p>
<p>“Have you been on the internet?”</p>
<p>“No,” Richie says cautiously. </p>
<p>Eddie walks over to him and sits heavily on the couch, “There are a shit ton of pictures from people at the club. I didn’t even see anyone take them.” Tilting his screen in Richie’s direction, Eddie scrolls through images of them kissing and holding hands. Both of them have stupid smiles on their faces and, despite it being creepy and personally invasive as hell, the pictures are pretty cute and it makes the corner of Richie’s mouth twitch up just to see them. </p>
<p>“Did you see TMZ?” Eddie asks. </p>
<p>“I haven’t seen shit.”</p>
<p>“Do you want to or is this too overwhelming?”</p>
<p>“I’m fine.” He’s not sure what else to say beyond that. This is a day he’s been simultaneously waiting for and dreading for a long time. He never thought he’d actually be here, but he was. And it’s actually not so bad with Eddie next to him.</p>
<p>Eddie shoves his phone towards Richie with the article posted. There’s a professional photo with the story, instead of the amateur grainy cell phone shots he had seen on Twitter. TMZ has several of the two of them hand-in-hand or arms wrapped around each other. Richie looks truly happy for once. He can always tell the difference between forced publicity photos and a genuine smile. And with Eddie it’s sincere. There are more of them kissing and Richie finally does crack a smile at that. There’s proof of it now. Proof that Eddie wants him. And it’s all out there for the world to see.</p>
<p>When he finishes looking at the pictures he scrolls to the story.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Richie Tozier was spotted last night exiting one of New York’s hottest nightclubs, Slice, notorious gay hotspot. And he wasn’t alone. The raunchy comedian was seen cozying up next to a mystery man. Some patrons of the club tell us that Trashmouth and his doe-eyed arm candy were inseparable all night.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Tozier, who sources say is in New York filming a reality competition show, is known for his gutter humor at the expense of his unnamed girlfriend. Unnamed for good reason? Many are speculating. We reached out to Tozier but have yet to receive a response. I guess we’ll all have to wait until his next tour to see how his girlfriend reacts to the new man on his arm! </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Arm candy?” Richie elbows Eddie with a smile. “Why are you so calm about this?”</p>
<p>“Probably because I haven’t looked at my messages yet. Myra’s gonna be pissed as hell.”</p>
<p>“Shit. Did we fuck up?”</p>
<p>“No,” Eddie settles against him. “No, we’re grown men. We can do whatever the fuck we want, right? All we did was go out to a club together. What did your manager say? Is your job fucked?”</p>
<p>“Oh, he’s drooling over representing the next Neil Patrick Harris. I have to put out a statement later today. Or, Jason will, but I get to approve it. He, uh, thinks exploiting our history would be a great way to relaunch my career away from the frat boy demographic.”</p>
<p>“Is that what you want?”</p>
<p>“No!” Richie furrows his brow. “Well, I mean I’ve been wanting to change the direction of my career for a long time. It’s gonna have to after last night, but not at the expense of, I don’t know-”</p>
<p>“Please don’t say your <em> dignity. </em> You do Masturbaters Anonymous jokes. Actually, that really says a lot about you, that telling the truth is more <em> degrading </em> for you than making up some bullshit lie.”</p>
<p>“I don’t care about <em> me</em>, Eddie! I just didn’t think you’d want to get involved in all this shit.”</p>
<p>“Do you not want me to be involved? It’s a little late for that.”</p>
<p>“It’s not that,” Richie sighs, “I just feel protective is all.”</p>
<p>Eddie scoffs, “Fuck you, dude. I don’t need you to protect me!”</p>
<p>“I don’t think you understand how this could impact you. Why don’t you listen to your messages from Myra and then get back to me about how involved in this you want to be? Or see what your bosses and your coworkers have to say to you now.” </p>
<p>“Fuck you, Richie. You don’t think I want this? Is that what you think?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know what the fuck you want, man. You know I don’t live here right? I have a house in LA. I’m only in New York for a couple months. What happens when I’m gone?”</p>
<p>“So, that’s all this is to you?” Eddie sounds pained. “You’re just passing through town and want to get laid?”</p>
<p>“You’re the one who started this shit with me, Eddie. I remember you getting naked in my bedroom telling me to tear your ass apart. And how you don’t give a shit how I feel as long as I fuck you,” Richie laughs. “I’m the one that wanted to take it slow! So, yeah, Ed. <em> I’m </em> the bad guy here. I came out of the fucking closet with you just because I was looking for New York ass. You have it all figured out!”</p>
<p>“Are we fighting right now?” Eddie demands, voiced tense and angry.</p>
<p>“No!” Richie cries harshly. “Okay, maybe a little.”</p>
<p>“Why the fuck are we fighting?” Eddie asks.</p>
<p>“I don’t know!” Richie shrugs. He takes a deep breath. “Okay. Let’s just, calm down. We’re about to do something I’ve never done before and I don’t want to do it but I think we have to.”</p>
<p>“Are you breaking up with me?”</p>
<p>“No!” Richie says in a panic. Is that what Eddie wants? Maybe seeing the pictures cemented the reality of what it means to be in a relationship with Trashmouth. Maybe now that he knows he doesn’t want it.</p>
<p>“Then what?” Eddie crosses his arms.</p>
<p>“We’re going to have a mature, adult conversation.” Richie closes his eyes taking a deep breath, “I know we’ve only been together for a few weeks-”</p>
<p>“We can’t get married. I’m still legally married, dude.”</p>
<p>“I’m not proposing, you idiot. Just shut up and let me get this out,” Richie shakes his head. “We’ve only had one pretty awesome, very public date and a lot of really amazing sex the last few weeks, but-” he takes another deep breath, “what direction do you realistically see this thing between us going?”</p>
<p>“You want to define our relationship?” Eddie asks skeptically.</p>
<p>“I think since the media is going to be all over my ass about it, we should at least be on the same page with our expectations.”</p>
<p>“When the hell did you get so smart?” Eddie teases with a smile.</p>
<p>“I’ve always been smart. Not my fault if you didn’t pay attention.”</p>
<p>“I want to call bullshit on that but it used to piss me off so much how easy school was for you,” Eddie narrows his eyes. He asks, “Well, what do <em> you </em> want?”</p>
<p>“I asked you first.”</p>
<p>“You’re gonna make me do all the work? Fine," he says, rolling his eyes. "I think I’ve been pretty clear that I’m still in love with you, dude.”</p>
<p>“Wait, what?” Richie’s heart skips, “You’re in love with me?”</p>
<p>Eddie gives him a confused look, “How do you not know this? I’ve told you like, three times.”</p>
<p>“I just thought you were drunk. Or sarcastic.”</p>
<p>“You’re such an idiot,” Eddie’s hand goes to his forehead. “I love you, Richie,” he drops his hand. “I want to keep doing what we’re doing, however we can do it, for as long as you’re cool with it. If that’s only while you’re in New York then-”</p>
<p>“No!” Richie interrupts. “No, I want to, you know, figure it out.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Eddie says cautiously.</p>
<p>“I’m gonna be honest, I don’t think I can move here, though. I took the show just to be closer to you, but I really fucking miss LA. Jason thinks I could get another season out of it if I play my cards right with the statement I put out, but I don’t know if I can do New York long-term.”</p>
<p>Eddie is staring at him, wide eyed, “You took the show just for me?”</p>
<p>“I-” Richie is blushing, “I was hoping to-”</p>
<p>Eddie’s firing him a hungry smile. He gets up from the couch and repositions himself, straddling Richie’s lap, “Hoping to break up my marriage and finally fuck me?” </p>
<p>He’s pushing his lips against Richie’s, demanding and hard. Richie can’t help how turned on he gets from Eddie in his lap. “Yeah, something like that,” Richie says against his lips.</p>
<p>“What is it you want?”  </p>
<p>“You naked is usually at the top of the list.”</p>
<p>Laughing softly, Eddie pulls away, “I mean, what are you going to tell Jason?”</p>
<p>“Oh, him. Fuck.” Richie hangs his head on the back of the couch and closes his eyes, “What do you want me to say to him about us?”</p>
<p>Eddie’s fingernails scratch along his scalp, making him shiver. He says quietly, “You can tell the truth, Richie. It’s okay now. We don’t have to hide anymore.”</p>
<p>Richie’s chest feels tight and he holds his eyes closed. Tears are threatening to break through, but he nods to Eddie. </p>
<p>Eddie moves his head enough to kiss him again, “I love you, Richie.”</p>
<p>Kissing him back, tongue searching his mouth trying to show him, Richie breaks away to say, “You know how much I fucking love you, right? You have to know that.”</p>
<p>Resting his forehead against Richie’s, Eddie smiles, “I wasn’t sure but I’ve always hoped-”</p>
<p>“How did you <em> not know?” </em></p>
<p>“You’ve never said-”</p>
<p>“Eddie, I’ve loved you since we were kids. I’ve never stopped loving you. Even when I couldn’t fully remember, I loved you. I’ve been miserable my entire life without you.”</p>
<p>“I wish you would have told me sooner,” Eddie sighs.</p>
<p>“Me too.” And he does. He really does.</p>
<p>With Eddie still in his lap, Richie stands, holding onto him as he squeals and wraps his legs tightly around Richie’s waist. He carries him back into his bedroom where drops him to the bed and all he wants to do is show him just how much he means to him. </p>
<p>It’s impossible to believe that Eddie never knew how much Richie loved him. He showed him every way he knew how, and now they don’t have to hide.</p>
<p>When he opens him up it’s slow and gentle with Eddie on his back, facing Richie so he can see every moment. And when he fucks him, thrusting in carefully, he’s telling him over and over, begging Eddie to understand how much he’s in love with him. How much he needs him. How he can’t live without Eddie anymore because what he was doing before wasn’t living.</p>
<p>He collapses on the bed and pulls Eddie tightly against him, listening to his heart beat, to the uneven breaths. Eddie’s hands are absently playing with his hair and it makes him shiver. It’s perfect. Everything is perfect because he has Eddie again, and it's better than they ever had before.</p>
<p>Cleaning them up the best he can, Richie winces when he hears the ringtone of his phone sound off.</p>
<p>“You need a new ringtone, dude,” Eddie teases. Neither one can move.</p>
<p>“Pee-wee Herman is legit, Edward.”</p>
<p>“You’re a dumbass,” Eddie rolls his eyes.</p>
<p>“I know you are but what am I?” Richie proclaims loudly in <em> the voice</em>. Ignoring Eddie’s groans, Richie finally reaches for his phone. He wants to see what statements Jason has prepared for him but when he looks at the screen he sees the incoming call he sighs, “Oh fuck.”</p>
<p>“Jason?” Eddie asks.</p>
<p>“So much worse, dude.” Richie answers, “Hey, Bev.”</p>
<p>
  <em> “Why didn’t you tell me?” </em>
</p>
<p>“Tell you what?” Richie tries innocently. “Oh, did you happen to see Twitter today?”</p>
<p>
  <em> “You’re trending. So. Tell me. How long have you guys been together?” </em>
</p>
<p>Richie leans back putting it on speaker phone, “Hey Ed, Bev wants to know how long we’ve been together.”</p>
<p>Eddie leans into the phone, “Way fucking longer than two minutes, Marsh!”</p>
<p>Bev laughs on the other end, <em> “Hi, Eddie.” </em></p>
<p>Eddie adds, “You were right, by the way. He has, just like, a really <em> excellent </em> dick.”</p>
<p>“Oh my god,” Richie pulls the phone away. “Did you want something?” He tries to act perturbed, but Eddie is smiling at him and his heart feels warm.</p>
<p>“Did I embarrass you?” Eddie asks, faux innocently.</p>
<p>“I’m gonna get you guys shirts that say, ‘Dick Tozier Fanclub.’”</p>
<p><em> “Please do!” </em> Bev laughs.<em>“Look, I just called to give you a hard time and to tell you congratulations."</em></p>
<p>“For finally landing that Kaspbrak D? Yeah, I’m pretty excited about it.” </p>
<p>Eddie kicks at him.</p>
<p>
  <em> “I knew you would get there eventually.” </em>
</p>
<p>“Yeah. And you better level up your Instagram game because Eddie and I are coming for you.”</p>
<p><em> “Bring it, Trashmouth!” </em> Bev replies. <em>"Okay, I’ll leave you alone. Go enjoy your outed bliss.” </em> </p>
<p>“Thanks Bev,” Richie says.</p>
<p>“Bye, Bev!” Eddie calls out before Richie hangs up the phone. “I’m fucking starving. Come on. Let’s find something to eat.”</p>
<p>“You cooking?” </p>
<p>“We’re ordering in,” Eddie steps out of bed.</p>
<p>“Love it when you take control.”</p>
<p>“You’re ordering and paying, and I’m taking a shower.” Eddie flips him off as he walks into the bathroom.</p>
<p>Richie smiles. By the time food arrives it’s well after lunch and they’re both starving. They eat and watch overacted 80s action flicks on Richie’s couch, with Eddie tucked under Richie’s arm. And Richie can’t believe how much it reminds him of high school. How young and happy and carefree he feels. </p>
<p>“We need to face the real world eventually,” Richie says when the movie is over.</p>
<p>“Who the fuck are you and what did you do with Richie?” </p>
<p>“I have to put something out.” Extracting himself from Eddie, he leans forward and fumbles with his phone. “What if I just posted a picture or something?”</p>
<p>“Like, of you sucking a dick? Yeah, I think they’d get the idea.”</p>
<p>“Is it your dick? We could make a movie. Are we making a movie? Tell me we’re making a movie tonight, Eds.”</p>
<p>“No! I have to go back home. I work tomorrow. Maybe I could call in sick-”</p>
<p>“Call in gay, you mean?” Richie rubs his face. He opens to his email and finds the one from Jason he’s expecting. There are a few different drafts of statements. Each sounding more manufactured than the last. “I’m contractually obligated to have my ass in the studio tomorrow so unfortunately<em> I </em> can’t call in gay either.” He sighs, thinking again, reading through the statements. “Fuck,” he just had a stupid idea.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“I just had a stupid idea.”</p>
<p>“Don’t do it.” </p>
<p>“No, I’m definitely gonna do it. You said it’s okay to be honest now, right?”</p>
<p>“Yeah but-”</p>
<p>“Nope,” Richie navigates through his phone, typing out a message adding a gif, and posts the tweet.</p>
<p>“What did you do?”</p>
<p>Tilting the screen of the phone, he shows Eddie the tweet.</p>
<p>“Jesus Christ, Richie. That’s dumb even for you.” But Eddie smiles anyway so Richie figures it’s worth it. <em> “That </em> gif?” </p>
<p>“I also says, ‘I’m gay.’ That’s crucial information.”</p>
<p>“People are gonna think you got hacked.”</p>
<p>“Why would they think that?” Richie scoffs.</p>
<p>“Because your post just says, ‘I’m gay’ and has a picture of Will Ferrell twirling around saying, ‘I’m in love and I don’t care who knows it!’”</p>
<p>“You told me to be honest,” he shrugs.</p>
<p>“You’re such an idiot,” Eddie sighs shaking his head, but Richie can see the smile at the corner of his mouth.</p>
<p>“Yeah, but you love me anyway. Jason’s still gonna put out an official statement.”</p>
<p>“What’s it going to say?”</p>
<p>“Something about respecting my privacy, but yes, I love sucking cock, now leave me and my boyfriend alone.”</p>
<p>“Boyfriend?” </p>
<p>“You caught that part, huh?” Richie bites his bottom lip. He doesn’t know why he’s so nervous for it. “Too soon?”</p>
<p>“Might be a little soon, dude.”</p>
<p>“Eddie, don’t fuck with me.”</p>
<p>“I think you like it when I fuck with you.” </p>
<p>“Admittedly, it’s not one of the worst things I’ve endured,” he tries to say it with a straight face, but Eddie’s already pouncing on him, knocking him over on the couch.</p>
<p>“Unfortunately, your boyfriend is married,” he pins Richie’s arms above his head.</p>
<p>“Yeah, that kind of sucks.”</p>
<p>“I think you like it when I suck.”</p>
<p>“Jesus, what’s gotten into you today?”</p>
<p>“Your dick.” </p>
<p>“Eddie!” Richie laughs, “Is this what it's like to deal with me?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, everyone hates it.”</p>
<p>“Everyone?” He kisses him.</p>
<p>“Maybe not everyone,” Eddie says against his lips. He lifts his head, “You’re right though. Back to the real world. I have to go back home. Work tomorrow.”</p>
<p>“Are you worried about what they’re gonna say?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t know. You know what, no. I don’t give a fuck. I don’t care what they have to say or what they think. Fuck them.”</p>
<p>“Yeah! Fuck ‘em,” Richie laughs. He loves when Eddie gets too intense, and he realizes suddenly that he can tell him. “I love you.”</p>
<p>Eddie melts against him, “I love you so fucking much, Richie.” </p>
<p>They kiss again and Richie doesn’t know why they’re not sick of it yet. Except they both know how difficult it’s been to get to this point. To be able to touch each other at all. And now they’ll be able to do everything they want together. No shying away from touches. No hiding what they mean to each other.</p>
<p>They can be who they want, together, and Richie has never been happier.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Eddie</b>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>Taking a deep breath, Eddie opens the door to his condo.</p>
<p>“Richie Tozier?” Myra’s voice sounds hysterical.<em> “Richie Tozier! </em> Do you know how embarrassing this is for me, Eddie?”</p>
<p>Eddie cringes as he closes the door behind him, “Okay, maybe I should have told you-”</p>
<p>“You said you weren’t having an affair!” </p>
<p>“I wasn’t! I mean, I <em> didn’t </em> until I told you I wanted a divorce. Don’t act so shocked, I said there was someone else-”</p>
<p>“Don’t act shocked, Eddie? Don’t act so shocked? Everyone we know is texting me pictures of the two of you, asking if it is you!<em> That’s </em> how I find out. Do you know how humiliating it is to have that thrown in your face? Do you?! To have all our friends find out that you’re not only leaving me, but you’re leaving for a man. And, Richie Tozier? The <em> comedian!” </em></p>
<p>“Okay, I definitely should have told-”</p>
<p>“Get out.” Myra crosses her arms. “I want you out.”</p>
<p>“I think that’s probably for the best. Maybe now we can come up with a time with our lawyers-”</p>
<p>“Oh!” Myra shakes her head, seething. “Is <em> that </em> why you pulled this stunt? To push me into signing the papers? Well, Eddie, I guess you’re going to get what you want. But it’s not going to be quick and simple. I’m going to take you for everything you’ve got!”</p>
<p>Eddie knows rationally he should be angry about that, but he’s not. What does he have that isn’t Myra’s already? She wants the condo, she can have it. Their vehicles? Fine. Money? Well that fucking sucks, but if that means he’s out of this relationship faster, then he doesn’t give a fuck about that either. </p>
<p>She continues to scream at him. It makes him feel like a kid again only he does have some sympathy for her. Her life and her plans have been upheaved and it’s all because of him. So if she wants money as compensation for the pain he’s putting her through then that’s fine too.</p>
<p>Packing a bag through the insults she’s throwing at him, he isn’t as surprised as he should be when slurs escape. It hurts more than he’s expecting, he hasn’t been called those names since he was a kid, but he doesn’t defend himself. It only cements further that he needs to leave. Staying in their shared home as long as he has for her sake was a mistake. It was never going to ease her pain, just hold her back from realizing the reality of their situation. So he grabs what he needs most and walks out to the pained sounds of her sobs.</p>
<p>Eddie finds a hotel near his office and checks in. He debates messaging Richie, letting him know he’s officially out, but decides against it. Richie doesn’t need him taking up space when he has his own life to deal with and right now he’s sure it’s overwhelming enough. Eddie's issues with Myra are his own and he doesn't need to put that on Richie.</p>
<p>After he unpacks and settled in his room he lies back on the bed and takes a deep breath. Finally opening the messages he’s avoided on his phone all day, he scrolls through texts from his coworkers, mostly questions about his marriage and if it’s really him or someone else. Instead of replying to those he scrolls past and opens a message from Bev.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Bev Marsh: Eddie! Anytime you want to vent about Richie you can always call. Love you! </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then he sees one from Stan.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Stan Uris: I knew it! I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. Love you, man. Take care. If you need anything I’m always here. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Smiling, he opens Twitter. He had to create an account the last time Richie was in town to  harass him occasionally. Richie always fires back witty one-liners that never fails to make him smile. Eddie scrolls to find speculation about his post, many people say he was hacked just as he suspected would. Others see the honesty in it and gush over it. Eddie scrolls past the negative ones as quickly as he can knowing his blood pressure wouldn’t be able to stand hovering over those for too long. </p>
<p>He finds a link to the statement Jason put out and Eddie hurries to open it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Richie Tozier has released a statement today: </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Peer pressure is a hell of a drug, kids. Being sincere is an extremely difficult task for me but I’m here to inform you that yes, the rumors are true, I am a socialist.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And gay.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I’d like to take a moment to recognize the insurmountable challenges we all face while on this little journey we call life. I’ve come to realize that, while sometimes it feels impossible to overcome what’s standing in the way of our happiness, reveling in it never ameliorates the situation. Believe me, I know. As my therapist would say, I am no longer going to be an active participant in my unhappiness.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> So, yes, America. Despite my greatest attempts at hiding, I would like to official announce that I am now and have always been a member of the gay community. And, while I’m extremely flattered by the amount of people suddenly interested in what I do with my dick, at this time I am asking for privacy. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie smiles to himself. He wonders how much of it Jason wrote and how much of it was Richie, because to his eyes it reads as all Richie. Not the Trashmouth Brand that the world has come to know but the quiet Richie who used to climb in through his window and rub his palm when he felt overwhelmed. The Richie who listened to his fears and tried his damnedest to make him feel better as a kid. The Richie that only seemed to be for him, and now finally he was sharing that person with the world.</p>
<p>He realizes then how lucky he’s been to have known who he really is, when no one else did. And he’s grateful to have those memories back.</p>
<p>Exiting out of the article, Eddie opens up his messages to text him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Eddie: Richie, you’re one of the most talented, charismatic, bravest people I know. You’ve made me crazy since the day I met you and I consider myself so fucking lucky to have you in my life again. I don’t know what the hell it is you see in someone like me, but just know how much I love you. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The reply comes fast.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Richie: That’s not a suicide note, is it? </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Eddie: No! I just read your statement. That was you, wasn’t it? Not Jason. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>This time the reply takes longer. It’s getting late so Eddie finishes getting ready for bed and when he finally tucks himself in, he allows himself to check his phone.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Richie: Yeah, that was me. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Richie: I wanted to say something about you. I want to tell everyone about you. You know you’re all I think about. You’re all I’ve ever thought about. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He replies quickly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Eddie: It’s okay. We have time. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Eddie: It’s late. Get some sleep, Trashmouth. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Richie: You too, Eds </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie smiles at the name and puts his phone down. He hears one more ping and lifts it up to see several hearts, an eggplant emoji, and one last message.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Richie: You’re never going to be able to get rid of me. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He falls asleep to thoughts of Richie.</p>
<p>The next day as he arrives at his office, Eddie feels tense as hell. He’s sweating and nervous and now he appreciates more what Richie had been trying to warn him of as he walks past the questioning eyes of his coworkers and sits down at his desk. </p>
<p>He’s not there more than five minutes before there’s a knock on his door and it’s being thrown open wide.</p>
<p>“It’s you, right?”</p>
<p>“Hi, Greg,” Eddie closes his eyes and rubs his forehead, not exactly enthused for the impending conversation.</p>
<p>Greg walks in and closes the door behind him, “It’s definitely you, right?”</p>
<p>“Is that what everyone thinks?” He sighs.</p>
<p>“Well, yeah. Because it <em> is. </em> I fucking knew it!” Greg slides into the chair in front of his desk and leans forward. “I have so many questions, but most importantly, what the fuck, man?”</p>
<p>“You’re not going to leave until I tell you about it, are you?”</p>
<p>“Hell no. How the fuck did <em> you </em> hook up with Richie Tozier?”</p>
<p>He thinks about denying the pictures, telling Greg it was just some weird kiss goodbye. But that doesn't explain the tweets. The excuse sounds stupid as he thinks it, and the whole reason he went out with Richie was so they could be seen together, so he scraps that idea and decides to find courage. </p>
<p>Sighing deeply, Eddie says, “I know him. We grew up together.”</p>
<p>“Fuck, really? I didn’t know that. So what, he called you up because he was in town?”</p>
<p>“Something like that.”</p>
<p>“Second question, what the fuck, dude? You’re married! To a woman.”</p>
<p>“We’re... separated, actually."</p>
<p>“Shit. How long?”</p>
<p>“A few months.”</p>
<p>“Wow,” Greg sits back in the chair. “And how long have you been into dick?”</p>
<p>“Jesus Christ.”</p>
<p>“You know, Matt in Collateral is going to be really excited about this.”</p>
<p>“What?!” Eddie scowls.</p>
<p>“Oh yeah, that’s a whole thing. We all fuck with him anytime he leaves your office after you’ve bitched him out. Probably to go beat off in the bathroom. He’s all red in the face and flustered. It’s hilarious. He’s been wanting you to fuck him since the first time you called him an ‘incompetent dickhead.’”</p>
<p>“I didn’t know he-” Eddie frowns, letting the sentence fall. He didn’t know he was gay or interested in him, but Eddie isn’t about to say either of those things out loud.</p>
<p>“Well, it’ll make our lives more interesting when you two start going at it. The workroom drama really dried up ever since Breanna was fired.”</p>
<p>“I’m not going to fuck Matt!” </p>
<p>“Not your type? Don’t like gorgeous twinks? He’ll be devastated.”</p>
<p>“No! Richie and I are-” Eddie closes his eyes, “We’re like- <em>you know?”</em></p>
<p>“Wait,” Greg leans forward again, “You think you’re together? Like, would Richie Tozier say that too or are you living in some kind of fantasy world after a one night stand?”</p>
<p>“Okay, first of all, it’s been way more than one night, asshole,” Eddie flips him off. “And, just look at his last tweet.”</p>
<p>“The gif? Wasn’t he just being sarcastic?”</p>
<p>“No.” Eddie says sternly. “I told him posting it was stupid, but he did it anyway-”</p>
<p>Greg blinks at him. </p>
<p>“You don’t believe me?”</p>
<p>Greg shrugs. “Your friend tells you he’s suddenly dating a celebrity overnight when he’s never mentioned him before? Think you’d be a little skeptical too.”</p>
<p>“Fuck, fine.” Eddie pulls out his phone to write a text.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Eddie: This asshole at work doesn’t believe we’re together. Tell him he’s wrong so he’ll shut up. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie’s phone rings seconds after he hits send. Answering, Eddie says, “I didn’t mean for you to call me. Shouldn’t you be working?”</p>
<p>
  <em> “I just got out of a meeting. Now, who the fuck do I need to beat up at your office?”  </em>
</p>
<p>“You think <em> you </em> can take anyone? I recall kicking the shit out of you Senior year.”</p>
<p>
  <em> “I let you! I let you, Eddie! I told you that. If you’re looking for a rematch, bring it, Kaspbrak. You don’t stand a chance. I can take down you and the hundreds of nerds you work with.” </em>
</p>
<p>“Yeah, whatever asshole.”</p>
<p>
  <em> “You don’t believe me! You were knocked out so I’m giving you a pass, but I kicked the shit out of Pennywise, dude. I ripped his arm… leg… thing off and beat him with it.” </em>
</p>
<p>“Okay, I do remember some of that. That was kind of hot, actually,” Eddie says, smiling into the phone.</p>
<p><em> “Damn right. Now put this asshole on the phone,” </em> Richie demands. </p>
<p>Eddie hands his phone to Greg with a wry smile. </p>
<p>Greg accepts it, greeting awkwardly, “Uh, hello?”</p>
<p>
  <em> “Look here, dipshit. Edward Kaspbrak is the light of my life and I’m not afraid to come beat you up to prove it.” </em>
</p>
<p>“Is this really Richie Tozier?” He asks skeptically.</p>
<p><em> “Yes. So, please be nice to Eddie or he’ll be a pissy bitch to me after work. I’m sure you know what that’s like.” </em><br/><br/>“Pretty much his constant state, isn’t it? I loved you in <em> Frat Farm</em>.”</p>
<p>
  <em> “Oh, thank you, man. I appreciate it. Now, put my boyfriend back on.” </em>
</p>
<p>Eddie smiles as he pulls the phone out of Greg’s hand. “Thanks, Richie.”</p>
<p>
  <em> “Hey, they’re calling me on set. You good? You still coming over later?” </em>
</p>
<p>“Yeah, I’ll be there after work.” </p>
<p>
  <em> “Alright. See you then, Eddie Bear.” </em>
</p>
<p>“Shut up,” Eddie laughs quietly into the line.</p>
<p>
  <em> “Love you too!”  </em>
</p>
<p>“Goodbye!” Eddie says resolutely and hangs up.</p>
<p>Greg is staring at him, frozen with his lips pursed.</p>
<p>“What now?” Eddie sighs.</p>
<p>“You leaving your wife, I get. Suddenly finding out you’re a homo? Sexuality is fluid. A spectrum. Why not? But seeing you genuinely happy? I’m terrified.” </p>
<p>“Get the fuck out of here, Greg.” </p>
<p>He stands, lifting his hands defensively, “Fine, fine. I’m leaving.”</p>
<p>Eddie rests his elbow on the desk and looks down at his phone to a text of Richie giving him a thumbs up on the set. He smiles to himself and feels like things might really be okay.</p>
<p>A loud thump against the glass has Eddie glaring back up at Greg, “The door is in the same fucking spot, why do you always run into the glass?!”</p>
<p>Greg flips him off as he finds the handle and walks out.</p>
<p>Eddie feels like it’s going to be a long day.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>By the time Eddie is outside Richie’s door, he’s ready for the day to be over. But then Richie lets him in and he’s falling into his arms and into his bed, it makes everything worth it. Richie always makes everything worth it.</p>
<p>Sometimes it feels like hours and other times only minutes when Richie has his hands on him. Inside him. Mouths colliding so easily, but he never feels like they have enough time. It’s been months since Derry. Weeks since he’s had Richie to himself. And a day since the world has known. But there’s always an undercurrent buzzing in him that Richie will change his mind, or Eddie will do something to fuck it all up. </p>
<p>It reminds him of being a kid, when he pushed his desk against the door of his room and could never fully surrender because he had to listen for his mom on the other side. He still feels the apprehension and guilt associated with getting caught. They are grown men and Eddie still feels like they’ll get in trouble. But it’s the happiest he can ever remember being. </p>
<p>When they’re done and Eddie is pulling on his boxer briefs, standing from the bed, Richie smiles at him. </p>
<p>Sitting up, Richie says, “This is fucking crazy, you know that, right?”</p>
<p>“What is?” Eddie smiles over his shoulder. He walks around the bed and grabs his dress pants, folding them neatly, he sets them on the bed, then grabs his shirt and tie to do the same.</p>
<p>Richie’s glasses are crooked and his hair is ruffled. “Being happy,” he says simply.</p>
<p>Eddie’s smile grows and his chest feels tight because he understands exactly what Richie means. “I take it work went well today? What did they say, about, you know-” He walks over to Richie’s closet and grabs a T-shirt. It’s grey with a stupid graphic print on it but Eddie pulls it over his head anyway.</p>
<p>“About suddenly being a flaming homo?”</p>
<p>“You don’t have good enough taste to be flaming. How’d it go?” He slides into a pair of Richie’s pajama pants then throws another pair to Richie.</p>
<p>“Good, actually. I had to sit down with the execs. They were a little on the fence about me, not knowing if it was some kind of drug fueled, drunken night out or what. But I explained to them that you were my boyfriend, we were disgustingly in love and I wanted the gig so bad just to be close to you. Once they realized I’m not completely as unstable as I seem, suddenly they were creaming their Gucci’s over all the pink dollars they’ll be cashing in on once we air. How was the rest of your day?”</p>
<p>“It was okay, actually.” Eddie sits on the bed next to Richie. “Got some shit from Greg, the one you talked to. I got lots of stares and whispers. But mostly just a normal day.”</p>
<p>“I bet you have them shitting their pants on a normal day,” Richi teases. “What about Mrs. K?”</p>
<p>“Ugh, dude. Do <em> not </em> call her that,” he grimaces at the reminder of his mother. “But, fuck. Yeah. She totally kicked my ass out last night.”</p>
<p>“What?” Richie furrows his brow in concern. “Why didn’t you tell me? Where did you stay?”</p>
<p>“You have enough going on. I checked into a hotel. It’s fine. No, it’s better than fine. I should have been out of there a long time ago. I’m relieved.”</p>
<p>“Move in here,” Richie says bluntly.</p>
<p>Blinking, Eddie replies, “No, Rich, I can’t do that.”</p>
<p>“Uh, why not?”</p>
<p>“I-” Eddie shakes his head, thinking a moment. He doesn’t really know why not. It’s a residual feeling, left over from the voice of his mother still telling him it’s wrong. “I don’t know.”</p>
<p>“Come on, I’m only gonna be in New York, like, two more months. That’ll give you time to find a new place and you won’t have to waste money on a hotel. You’re practically here all the time, anyway.”</p>
<p>“You really want me here?” Eddie asks with a cautious smile.</p>
<p>“I want you everywhere. The kitchen. The living room. The shower was kind of fun but I don’t think my back is up for that again.”</p>
<p>“You need to stretch, Richie. I told you that. Like even a minimum effort of physical activity will vastly improve your-”</p>
<p>“Oh, I’ll give you minimum effort!” Richie interrupts, hands grabbing towards his stomach.</p>
<p>“Don’t you fucking dare!” Eddie swats his hand away but he’s already tickling him, pulling him back onto the bed. </p>
<p>Doubled over in forced laughter, Eddie is squealing at him to stop, hitting wildly at the air until he accidentally gets a hard slap against Richie’s face.</p>
<p>Richie stops, jaw slack in shock, trying to hold back a smile, “You hit me!”</p>
<p>Taking advantage of his surprise, Eddie pulls away and moves on top of him, to pin Richie to the bed. He puts all his weight on his arms, straddling his hips. “You fucking deserved it, dude.” </p>
<p>“I think it gave me a boner,” he grins wide. Richie’s face is definitely red from the slap and he squirms underneath Eddie. “Do it again. Knock me around, Eds,” he says. Eddie isn’t certain he’s entirely sarcastic.</p>
<p>“Yeah? You like that?” Eddie grabs his face, playing along, and holds his jaw too hard.</p>
<p>Richie breathes heavily and adjusts his hips beneath Eddie until he lets up on his jaw. “Oh, we’re putting this in the <em> Try </em> column. Fuck. I wish I had a better refractory period, you’re so fucking hot right now.”</p>
<p>“Wait. What?” Eddie leans back, surprised.</p>
<p>Richie laughs, “Eddie, man, if you haven’t figured out how much I get off on how fucking bossy you are then there’s no help for you.”</p>
<p>“Shut up!”</p>
<p>“Oh, yeah. Just like that,” Richie teases. “Order me around, you tyrant.” </p>
<p>“You’re fucking with me.”</p>
<p>“Not as much as you probably think,” Richie laughs. “You used to be such a dick to Stan and Ben. I mean, everyone really. I’d just stand back and watch you go. Talk about jerk off material.”</p>
<p>“That’s so weird, Richie,” Eddie shakes his head with a grin. “Not even fucked up, just fuckin’ weird, dude.”</p>
<p>“Oh, fuck yeah. I love it when you go for my self esteem. Tell me how fucked up I am, Eds.”</p>
<p>Relenting, Eddie climbs off of him and asks, “What else is on your list?”</p>
<p>Richie sits up, “Anything. <em> Everything. </em> Whatever you wanna do. Have any requests? What is the kinkiest shit you can think of? I’ll do it. I’ll do everything. You wanna be fisted?”</p>
<p>“Jesus Christ!” Eddie stands up and walks towards the door. “Start with the beginner shit at least. Handcuffs or something. Not shoving your arm up my ass.”</p>
<p>“You could be my little Muppet!”</p>
<p>“Okay, now we’re definitely<em> not </em> doing that!”</p>
<p>“You would have before?” Richie calls out to him as he walks down the hall. “Don’t be so vanilla, Eds!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Richie</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Richie waits in Eddie’s SUV until he gets the OK text to come up. He’s nervous the entire ride up in the elevator and has to force himself to knock when he's finally outside the door even though he knows Myra isn’t there. But Eddie’s past is on the other side. An entire life without Richie, and it’s real and in front of him, and it hurts for how much time he’s missed.</p>
<p>Taking a deep breath, he knocks. The door flings open while his fist is still raised.</p>
<p>“Hurry up,” Eddie pulls him in and slams the door shut behind him.</p>
<p>They waited until the weekend before Eddie decided it was okay to return to his condo to pick up more of his things. Richie of course offered to help. Eddie tried to turn him down at first, but Richie talked him into it when he explained how much easier it would be with the both of them.</p>
<p>“You okay?” Richie asks. He can tell he’s not, clearly tense and upset.</p>
<p>Eddie’s hands are on his hips, “She just left. She’ll be out a few hours. It didn’t go well. Let’s just get my shit and go. Come on.” </p>
<p>Ignoring the <em>Live, Laugh, Love</em> and other kitschy shit on the walls, Richie follows him down a hall into a bedroom where Eddie has suitcases out. He walks over to his closet where Eddie’s pulling out suits and handing them to Richie. </p>
<p>“Jesus, these are way nicer than <em> any </em> of my shit.” </p>
<p>“Dude, why are you so fucking surprised? The kid’s section at Walmart is nicer than your shit.”</p>
<p>“Hey! I go to red carpet events.” Reading the designer label on a suit, Richie eyebrows shoot up, “Shit. Eddie, do you have money? What the fuck?”</p>
<p>“Not after this divorce. Do you know how to fold those? I don’t have enough garment bags and I just want to get as much shit as I can and get out.”</p>
<p>“Yes. The village idiot can handle folding some clothes.” He carefully walks them over to the bed and tries his best to get them to fit nicely in the suitcases. He really doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing, but he’s trying to keep the lines straight on the pants and is hoping for the best.</p>
<p>Eddie walks over to him with a pile of clothes in his arms and drops them on top of his progress carelessly. “Actually, I don’t give a fuck. I’ll get them pressed later. Just get them in and let’s get the hell out of here.” </p>
<p>Eddie turns back to his closet but Richie grabs his wrist and pulls him back, “Hey. Look at me.”</p>
<p>Looking up at him, Richie can see the pain he’s in and the panic bubbling under the surface. </p>
<p>“Eddie, it’s okay. Take a deep breath.” Richie reaches his hand out to cup his cheek. He kisses him until his breathing slows and says, “It’s gonna be okay.” </p>
<p>Eddie nods, “Yeah, okay.”</p>
<p>“Do you wanna fuck on the bed to get back at her?”</p>
<p>“No, Richie,” Eddie sighs, exasperated. “I’m the bad guy here. I don’t need to make it worse.”</p>
<p>Richie leaves it at that. They’re able to pack a few suitcases and some boxes into the SUV before Eddie starts getting skittish about the time and he’s pushing Richie out the door to finish up alone.</p>
<p>As Richie’s placing the last box he carried into the back of Eddie’s SUV, he hears a woman call out, “Richie Tozier!”</p>
<p>Looking behind him, he recognizes Myra from pictures stomping towards him. “Oh, shit!” He closes the door to the trunk and speed walks around to get into the front seat but she’s there too fast.</p>
<p>“He hates you, you know.” She’s pointing her finger at him. “Oh, he says he loves you but it will pass. He actually hates you, you know that right? He hated your stand up. Said you were a talentless hack. Unfunny. Wouldn’t shut up about it. I don’t know what you’ve said to him to manipulate him into this but once he gets it out of his system and he’ll be back.”</p>
<p>Richie’s lifting his hands defensively, “Look, Myra. I know you’re hurt-”</p>
<p>“Just because you’re disgusting enough to do things to him he thinks he wants, doesn’t mean he won’t get sick of you. He’ll get tired of who you are. And who are you? A degenerate with no morals, and you’re going to pull him down with you. It’s sick what you’re doing with him.”</p>
<p>Richie grits his teeth, balling up his fist. He knows what she says comes from anger but hearing those words, being confronted by them, reminds him too much of Derry. Too much of Bowers. He clenches his jaw.</p>
<p>“You think you can make jokes? You <em> are </em> a joke,” she spits out. “Eddie’s mine. He’ll always be mine. He’ll be back.”</p>
<p>“He’s not <em>yours,”</em> Richie leans in. His heart is racing and he wants to scream, but he holds himself back, “Eddie was never yours, Myra. If he’s anyone’s, he’s <em>mine.</em> <em>I</em> taught him how to kiss. Did he ever tell you that? While you were together all these years, that was me. I showed him. And he still does it just the way I remember. So you can thank <em>me </em>for that. Hell, I gave him his first blow job and he tastes the same too. And you’re right, we’ve done a lot of depraved things you’ve probably never even heard of. And guess what? He loves every second and begs me for more. That’s how it’s always been. Just don’t go thinking he’s yours. He was mine first. Even after all this time, he's always been mine.<em> Always.”</em></p>
<p>“You’re disgusting,” her eyes are watery. “You’re sick and you’re cruel. And Eddie’s going to see the kind of person you are underneath everything.”</p>
<p>“Eddie’s the <em>only</em> <em>one</em> who knows who I am, underneath everything. And he loves me.”</p>
<p>“Richie, get in the car,” Eddie’s voice is harsh and commanding. </p>
<p>He wants to stay. He wants to scream at her. But he takes a deep breath, balling up his fists, and climbs into the car.</p>
<p>Staring ahead, he listens to the muffled yelling and sobs on the other side of the glass but he doesn’t turn to watch. He waits until the cries fade and for Eddie to walk around to the driver’s side and step in, slamming the door shut behind him.</p>
<p>“Fuck!” Eddie yells against the steering wheel.</p>
<p>“Let’s just go,” Richie says quietly, feeling an odd sense of peaceful clarity now that the encounter is over.</p>
<p>Neither one talks the rest of the way.</p>
<p>When they get to Richie’s apartment, <em> their </em> apartment, they each grab what they can carry and go up. They leave the boxes in the entryway, not even bothering to place them in the room they belong in. </p>
<p>Richie tugs at Eddie’s arm and pulls him to sit down on the couch next to him. He snakes his arm around Eddie’s waist and holds onto him tight. </p>
<p>“I love you,” Richie says quietly. </p>
<p>“I’m sorry about-”</p>
<p>“Eddie,” Richie interrupts, “It’s not your fault.”</p>
<p>“What did she say to you?” He asks quietly.</p>
<p>“That you hate me, and you’re going to leave me, and that I’m a sick fuck. So, you know. Basically all of my fears mixed in with the truth.”</p>
<p>“You’re a little bit of a sick fuck. That thing you do with your tongue-” Eddie teases.</p>
<p>Richie chuckles softly, “You love that.”</p>
<p>“I really do. It’s probably illegal in several countries. Never stop.” </p>
<p>“Not if it’ll keep you here.”</p>
<p>“That’s not why-” Eddie pauses, “That’s not why I want to be with you. You know that, right?”</p>
<p>“I know, Eddie,” Richie closes his eyes. He feels like a kid again, too afraid to let him go. But then his phone buzzes and he reaches around to pull it out. </p>
<p>“Who is it?”</p>
<p>“Jason. He doesn’t normally call on weekends unless shit is hitting the fan. Let me take this quick.”</p>
<p>“Yeah. I guess I have some unpacking to do."</p>
<p>He answers as Eddie gets up from the couch, “What’s up?”</p>
<p>
  <em> “You’re on Youtube."</em>
</p>
<p>“Yeah...? You set up the official channel for clips of my stand up.”</p>
<p>
  <em>"No, there’s a video of you getting into a fight.” </em>
</p>
<p>“Oh, Jesus Christ.” Richie hangs his head, “That’s Eddie’s wife. We were- we were getting his shit out of their condo when she came at me. Fuck. Someone recorded it? That <em>just</em> happened like, barely an hour ago.”</p>
<p>
  <em> “That’s the internet for you. It’s blowing up.” </em>
</p>
<p>“Fuck.”</p>
<p>
  <em> “Well, I called to say, just let it blow over. Don’t go out. Don’t say or tweet anything stupid. It’ll pass.”  </em>
</p>
<p>“Yeah, fine. I made it through Bowers. I can make it through this.”</p>
<p>
  <em> “Give your boyfriend the rundown. We can touch base on Monday.” </em>
</p>
<p>“Yeah, alright. Thanks for the heads up."</p>
<p>Richie hangs up. Grabbing a pillow, he shoves his face into it and yells.</p>
<p>Eddie walks out of the hall, standing stiffly, eyebrows lifted, “Everything okay?”</p>
<p>“We’re on Youtube. You. Me. Myra. The whole happy gang.” </p>
<p>“What? What the fuck?” Eddie pulls out his phone.</p>
<p>“Yeah. Sorry, Eds.”</p>
<p>He’s scowling at the screen and his finger is flicking around, scrolling, until he hits play. “What the fuck? How does this have so many views already?”</p>
<p>“I told you it could get messy. I mean, I’m not saying ‘I told you so’ because this fucking sucks. I just mean, they’re rabid fucking vultures that will latch onto anything just for the clicks. I’m sorry you’re getting dragged into this.”</p>
<p>Eddie shuts off the screen. “Whatever. I don’t care. I’m out now. It’s done. I already emailed my lawyer telling them to serve her with the divorce papers. I’m not playing nice anymore.” </p>
<p>“I’m sorry it had to go down this way.” Richie sighs, then asks, “Do you want help unpacking?” </p>
<p>“No. I’m gonna do the rest tomorrow. Let’s get drunk and fuck.”</p>
<p>Richie screws up his face with confused laughter, “We could get high and fuck.”</p>
<p>“What do you have?”</p>
<p>“Eddie! I am shocked!” </p>
<p>“You don’t have anything, do you?”</p>
<p>“If I’d have known you’d wanted to get high and fuck I definitely could have accommodated those needs. But no. See, I thought my boyfriend was this straight-laced kind of motherfucker. You know, goes to work in a suit-and-tie, 9-5, on a cleanse. So, I smoked all my meth last week.”</p>
<p>“Next time, then. Let’s get drunk and celebrate this trainwreck of a relationship.” </p>
<p>“Hey! Our relationship isn’t a trainwreck. It’s, you know, the state of everything surrounding our relationship that’s fucked.”</p>
<p>“Yeah?” Eddie asks, lifting an eyebrow.</p>
<p>“Yeah. I think we’re doing pretty good, all things considered. For the record, I would love to drop the molly with you, bro,” Richie teases.</p>
<p>“Shut the fuck up,” Eddie laughs.</p>
<p>Once the alcohol flows, Richie feels like he can finally relax from the tension of the day. Eddie’s leaning into him, relaxed and smiling, until quickly his mood grows somber.</p>
<p>“Greg said somethin’ to me last week. At first he said that it was a fantasy I had that we’re together. Like I was expecting too much. And later he said it was all just new relationship bliss. That this is all gonna wear off, and it’s gonna be just like me and Myra. It’s only good now because it’s new. You ever worry that’s all this is?”</p>
<p>“We’ve only been dating like two months. We said ‘I love you’ and we’re living together. It’s all fucked up, Eds. It’s all fucked up.”</p>
<p>“So, that’s what it is? Are we gonna get sick of each other?”</p>
<p>Richie sputters a laugh, “I’ll never get sick of you. You’re it for me, man. You might get sick of me, but if you leave I’m done.”</p>
<p>“Not gonna get sick of you, Rich.”</p>
<p>“Never?”</p>
<p>“Never.”</p>
<p>“You gonna come live with me in LA?” </p>
<p>“I’d live with you anywhere,” Eddie smiles.</p>
<p>“Maybe we should try to make it through the two months left here without killing each other first.”</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t kill you,” Eddie shakes his head.</p>
<p>“You wouldn’t?”</p>
<p>“No. I like your dick too much,” he laughs.</p>
<p>“Eddie,” Richie whines, leaning forward, “You could have had this dick all through high school, man. My dick is your dick.”</p>
<p>Giggling, Eddie says, “I used to love all the attention you gave me. If you were bugging someone else I’d always try to trip you, or kick your glasses off in the hammock or something just so you’d look at me.”</p>
<p>“I love lookin’ at you, Eddie. You’re my favorite to look at. I wanna look at you every day. I’m so happy you live here. I’m keeping you forever, Kask- Kaps- Spagheds.”</p>
<p>“Not if you call me that.”</p>
<p>“Big Dick Eddie.”</p>
<p>Eddie giggles, “Isn’t that what the girls in school called me?”</p>
<p>Richie laughs, “Oh, man. That was me. I made that name up. I mean, they <em> were </em> talking about your dick but, oops?”</p>
<p>“You didn’t even see my dick yet!”</p>
<p>“It was wishful thinking. Putting good vibes into the universe. And I wasn’t disappointed.” Richie grows serious after that, “Did you watch the video? I told Myra you were mine. You are mine, aren’t you, Eddie?”</p>
<p>Eddie snuggles closer into him, “What if I’m <em> mine. </em> What if I don’t belong to anyone. Not my mom. Not Myra. No one. I’m Eddie’s.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I like that better,” Richie smiles. “Just as long as you’re not hers.”</p>
<p>“I might be a little yours,” Eddie admits. </p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“You make me feel like I’m my own person. Like I can do what I want. You tell me to do what’s good for me and then let me figure out what that is.”</p>
<p>“I saw how your mom treated you. I just wanted you to know you could fuck up like the rest of us and still be okay.”</p>
<p>“You’re the best, Richie. We should go on a date. Like a real, who-gives-a-fuck-cameras-are-following-you date. That doesn’t involve coming out. Or even just, like, we should get lunch together. Something normal.”</p>
<p>“I’ll get lunch with you if you want. I’ll swing by your work, pick you up and everything. Give that asshole Greg a verbal beat down.”</p>
<p>Eddie laughs quietly, “He’d shit his pants. I think he still doesn’t really get that we’re together.”</p>
<p>“He will now that <em> that </em> video is out there.”</p>
<p>Eddie opens his phone.</p>
<p>“No, don’t watch it, dude. Don’t do that to yourself.”</p>
<p>“I just want to see how many hits it has.” Eddie fumbles through his apps until he pulls the right one. “Oh fuck.”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>Eddie’s quietly scowling to himself, then rubbing his forehead.</p>
<p>“What?!” Richie asks again.</p>
<p>“Apparently Myra talked to TMZ and they already have it out.” Eddie pushes his phone into Richie’s hand.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Tozier Gets Territorial!  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> A video leaked to the internet earlier today with Richie Trashmouth Tozier once again in the spotlight, and this time he’s looking for a fight! Sources say that the funnyman was ready to brawl over his new man. And it looks like his new man is married… to a woman! </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> We talked to Myra Kaspbrak to get the full scoop. She claims Tozier took advantage of her husband, Edward Kaspbrak, after the infamous altercation in Derry, Maine. Some may recall Tozier’s brush with death when he was violently assaulted this past fall, which turns out Edward Kaspbrak was also part of, sustaining an injury in the attack.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Myra Kaspbrak claims the incident left Trashmouth mentally unstable, stating he spoke threateningly to her in today’s confrontation. She fears for her husband’s safety. Witnesses confirmed the comedian stated several times that Edward Kaspbrak was “his.” Edward also makes an appearance in the video, where, witnesses claim, he and his wife argued over moving out of their shared home and in with Tozier.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Apparently romance blooms in the darkest hour. Is this more than just a fling for Trashmouth? Is he finally settling down? Seems to be! We’ve yet to hear from a spokesperson from the Trashmouth Team on the incident, but things are looking hairy for the Tozier camp.  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I took advantage of<em> you?” </em> Richie laughs. “More like you took advantage of me, flashing your hot ass around, stripping down in my bedroom. Yeah, I took advantage of you, though. Senior year of high school-” He does his best high pitched voice he can while drunk, <em> “Oh, Eddie! I can teach you how to kiss. What’s that? No. No, it’s totally not gay for you to put your dick in my mouth.” </em></p>
<p>“Shut up,” Eddie laughs. </p>
<p>“Hey! Have you been keeping score? I think you’re winning Gay Chicken finally.”</p>
<p>“Not with how much you love sucking my dick. Extra points.”</p>
<p>“Nah, you like a dick in your ass. You’re winning.”</p>
<p>“I think you <em> eating ass </em> overrules everything. So gross, dude.”</p>
<p>Richie gives him a sly grin, “You love it.”</p>
<p>“So fuckin’ gross.” </p>
<p>“Yeah? I guess I should probably stop then.” </p>
<p>“I didn’t say that!”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hi, I’m here for Mr. Edward Kaspbrak. I have an 11:30 appointment. He should be expecting me.” Richie smiles wide, gripping the stem of the single rose he has hidden below her line of sight at the receptionist’s desk.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, Mr. Kaspbrak does have an 11:30 but that’s not under-”</p>
<p>“Oh! Fuchs. Right. I had it made for Jason Fuchs. You know how it can be. Trying to avoid attention right now,” Richie lifts his eyebrows.</p>
<p>“Uh, let me just see if he’s available. One moment, Mr. Tozier. You can take a seat.”</p>
<p>Richie turns to sit and waits patiently as the woman lifts the phone and mumbles into the receiver. He looks around and feels immediately out of place in his button down shirt and jeans. Eddie’s office is upscale as fuck and he’s suddenly realizing the necessity of all those bespoke suits.</p>
<p>“He’ll be out in a moment, Mr. Tozier.”</p>
<p>Richie smiles back at her and waits. It’s been over a week since their video hit the internet and mostly everything has blown over but Richie’s trying to keep a low profile. The executives of his show were not happy about that development but Richie assured them that the drama was over. He hoped like hell he was right. After Myra’s story was released Eddie had divorce papers officially served which means by the time Richie leaves New York, Eddie could be officially free.</p>
<p>He looks around the waiting room, trying to peer beyond the corner and into the office area, but Richie can’t see much. So he waits, still half hiding the rose. He picked it out to be kind of a dick, it’s supposed to be a joke, but now he feels like an ass holding it while he sits waiting.</p>
<p>“You dick!” </p>
<p>Richie lifts his head with a smile to see Eddie grinning back at him. He stands quickly and meets Eddie, giving him a hug. He whispers, “Pretty sure you love my dick.”</p>
<p>“Definitely not your worst asset,” Eddie pulls away, still smiling at him. “What the hell are you doing here?”</p>
<p>Presenting the flower, he grabs Eddie’s hand and kisses his knuckles, “Eddie my love, I’m here to take you on a date.” </p>
<p>Eddie grabs it with a half scowl, fighting a half grin. “I’m supposed to be working, asshole.”</p>
<p>“I have you booked for 11:30 and you have lunch after that. You have plenty of time.”</p>
<p>Eddie’s scowl disappears, turning into a full smile, “Alright. I have to finish up some work and then we can go.” He tilts his head back, “Come on.” </p>
<p>With a sheepish smile, Richie follows him back into the office area. He’s used to the occasional stare or being stopped on the street. It doesn’t happen frequently but enough where he knows how to navigate the situation. But here, heads are popping up over cubicles and he can feel eyes on them. And it’s different, now. Before it was fame and celebrity that had people staring, but now he can’t help but feel self conscious and he wonders if Eddie feels the same. </p>
<p>Pushing it down, he smiles and winks confidently at a few that catch his eye. </p>
<p>A man in a grey suit with a knowing smile stands next to a door with Eddie’s name on it. Just as he opens his mouth about to speak, Eddie points at him and says, “Shut the fuck up, Greg.”</p>
<p>“Oh!” Richie says, gloating, preparing to lay it on thick, <em> “This </em> is Greg? You still giving Eddie a hard time? Do I need to kick the shit out of you? As I am sure you are now well aware, I’ll defend my man.”</p>
<p>“Richie,” Eddie shakes his head, opening the door.</p>
<p>“No, I think I believe him now. That video was convincing anyway,” Greg says.</p>
<p>“Yeah, you liked that?” Richie asks. “We were gonna go full cage match but couldn’t convince Myra-”</p>
<p>“Beep beep,” Eddie says, shoving him into his office.</p>
<p>Eddie walks in after him as Richie calls out quickly, “Sorry, I have to blow my-” Eddie elbows him, and shuts the door quickly. “Ow, asshole.”</p>
<p>Richie can still see through the glass door so he mimes a blow job to Greg as Eddie huffs over to close the curtains.</p>
<p>Eddie’s scowling again but Richie grins widely, showing teeth, “Now he <em> definitely </em> thinks I’m gonna blow you.”</p>
<p>Dropping the flower on the desk, Eddie steps closer, “You’re such an asshole.” Then his arms wrap around his neck and he’s kissing him.</p>
<p>He’s kissing Richie like he was made for it. And Richie falls into him just as easily. </p>
<p>“A fuckin’ rose, dude?”</p>
<p>When he pulls away, he asks nervously, “Too much?”</p>
<p>Eddie shrugs, and smiles sweetly, “I kind of like it.” </p>
<p>Richie sits in the chair in front of Eddie’s desk, he watches as Eddie walks around and pulls out his chair. Before he sits, Richie leers at him, “Take off your jacket.” </p>
<p>Eddie glares back and Richie can feel a fight, but the corner of his mouth twitches up and he removes his jacket without complaint, placing it carefully over the back of his chair.</p>
<p>“Roll up your sleeves,” he orders next. On some level, Richie knows this demanding part of his mind is pushing Eddie just to see what he’ll do. Waiting for him to fight back because that’s what they do. Richie presses on until it’s too much and Eddie gives it right back. It’s their dance, the only one Richie knows. </p>
<p>But when Eddie doesn’t argue, when he rolls up his sleeves, staring Richie down as he does, it feels like a different game they’re playing. One that makes Richie’s pulse race and sweat bead on his brow.  </p>
<p>Richie doesn’t know what to do with that so he watches with baited breath as Eddie pulls out his chair and sits down. He types with the same ferocity as he talks, aggressive and loud and fast. And now his arms are exposed and Richie can’t stop staring. </p>
<p>It feels like hours before Richie can shake himself from the image of Eddie behind his desk. With a cocky grin, he leans back to finally ask more genuinely this time, “You want me to blow you? I’ll get on my knees, right under your desk. You don’t even have to stop working.”</p>
<p>Holding still, Eddie looks at him, flashing him a warning with his eyes. He’s frozen, with hands hovering out over the keys. “No...” he says slowly. Cautiously. Completely unconvincingly.</p>
<p>Trying to hold back his smile, Richie stands and walks around the side of the desk. Leaning against it, he crosses his arms and asks, “You sure? You can fuck my throat.”</p>
<p>Eddie loses the war with his grimace and a smile finally breaks out as he breathes, “Get on the floor, bitch.”</p>
<p>And fuck. That goes straight to Richie’s dick. He drops to his knees as Eddie turns his chair, and both of them are fumbling with his zipper. </p>
<p>Eddie slaps his hands then grabs Richie by the jaw. Looking him intently in the eyes, he orders, “Stop.”</p>
<p>Richie freezes, eyes wide from the commanding tone Eddie is using. He can’t even think of anything to mouth off back to him. He watches as Eddie finally succeeds at unzipping himself and pulls out his dick. </p>
<p>“If you spill any jizz on this suit I’m not letting you near my cock ever again.”</p>
<p>He wants to say he knows it’s an empty threat, but Richie only nods eagerly. Eddie leans back in his chair as Richie moves closer, reaching out to rub his hands along his thighs. They’re both hard, and Richie can see Eddie’s wet tip already waiting for him.</p>
<p>Licking his lips, Richie leans over him, grabbing his dick with one hand. His tongue teases over the tip, tasting him. Familiar to him now, but there’s the threat of being caught hanging over him now, making his heart race.</p>
<p>Eddie’s hands sift through his hair, gentle and soothing at first as Richie finally bobs over him, then Eddie’s grip turns rough, pulling him up just enough then forcing him back onto his cock. The image of how hot it must look is killing Richie.</p>
<p>“I didn’t lock my door, Rich,” Eddie breathes. </p>
<p>He hums, taking him down as much as he can.</p>
<p>“Anyone could walk in and see you like this, begging on the floor for my dick.” Eddie swears, “Fuck, your mouth feels so good. So fucking good at this.”  </p>
<p>Everything that he says to him goes right to Richie’s cock. He’s aching in his jeans, but he’s not going to touch himself because he needs to get Eddie off. He is dying for the taste of his come to spill over his tongue, knowing they’re all out there right now. All his coworkers are on the other side of that door. Any one of them could knock or throw it open to find him leaning over Eddie’s lap, worshipping him with a mouth full of cock. Eddie’s breath hitches and his fingers in his hair tighten as he pulls at it, then forces him down, hard and with intention, and Richie loves every second of the way Eddie uses him. </p>
<p>He’s so deep, he’s fighting the urge to gag on him, and Richie’s eyes are watering, but then Eddie comes, spurting hot against his tongue and down his throat. He swallows quickly, only slightly disappointed that he didn’t savor the taste of him.</p>
<p>As he leans back slowly, Eddie’s hand lets go of his hair and moves to gently cradle his jaw. </p>
<p>“Was the hair pulling too much? I wasn’t too rough, was I?” Full concern is dripping over his furrowed brow.</p>
<p>Richie laughs silently, “You know I love it when you’re rough with me.”</p>
<p>Eddie pushes the chair back enough to stand, tucking himself back into his pants. He grabs Richie’s hands to help him up, then wraps his arms around his neck and pulls him in. </p>
<p>He loves when Eddie does this, when he kisses him after, knowing he can taste himself on Richie’s tongue. Eddie, who normally can’t stop bitching about bodily fluids and their inherently disgusting properties will, on occasion, ravage his mouth after Richie gets him off, and Richie can never get enough of him.</p>
<p>“I love you,” Eddie whispers against his lips.</p>
<p>“Yeah, you love my mouth on your dick.”</p>
<p>“It’s the only thing that mouth is good for.”</p>
<p>After Eddie helps fix Richie’s hair, and straighten his glasses, he decides that work can wait until after lunch. Eddie grabs the jacket to his suit, but doesn’t put it on, and leads the way out of his office.</p>
<p>Richie feels a little like it’s a walk of shame. He’s done worse in more public places, hell, with Eddie alone when they were kids, but sees all the eyes on them, with everyone knowing just who Eddie was to him, it makes Richie feel nervous again. </p>
<p>He’s glad to be out, he is, but every so often those weighing thoughts creep back into his mind and he feels dirty and wrong. But it’s almost like Eddie can sense it, because by the time they get to the lobby of the building, he grabs his hand and squeezes it before he asks, “You okay, Rich?”</p>
<p>And the concern he finds looking back at him makes Richie’s heart swell. <em> How the fuck did I get lucky enough to land Eddie? </em> </p>
<p>Richie smiles at him, “Yeah, Eds. Let’s go to lunch. Wait!” Richie digs his phone out of his pocket and opens to the camera, “Let’s shut Bev and Ben up, okay?” </p>
<p>Pulling Eddie in, he kisses him directly on the scar on his cheek. When Eddie’s laughing earnestly, Richie snaps the selfie. Looking it over, Eddie smiles back at him genuinely at ease, and Richie knows he’ll never give him up.</p>
<p>He posts the picture on Instagram, the social media account he tends to neglect the most, but now he’s starting to see the appeal. If it’s an excuse to squeeze Eddie in close and show him off to the world, then maybe it’s not so bad.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Eddie</strong>
</p>
<p>Richie’s gig is coming to a swift end in New York and Eddie has been on edge. They’ve talked about what happens after, when his contract is complete. He’s told Eddie he wants to start touring again because he’s been working on more authentic material and finally has the courage to try it out.</p>
<p>To alleviate his trepidation, Jason books Richie a one night event. It’s the first time the Losers will be in one place since Derry. A lot has happened since, Richie and Eddie’s coming out, for one. Eddie would be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous to see them. They’ve all been great, nothing to suggest they would be anything but supportive in messages and phone calls, but Eddie still can’t help but feel apprehensive. He didn’t give a fuck about what anyone else in his life thought, (coworkers he wasn’t close with and friends of Myra's he never cared for) but the Losers are <em> family. </em> </p>
<p>Eddie arrives at the venue before the rest of the audience, separate from Richie who needed to be there early to prepare. Eddie beelines it to the greenroom and is immediately reminded of the last time he’d seen Richie’s stand up. Months ago. A lifetime ago, with a nearly full crowd, he was mostly using his old set then. Eddie understands how nervous Richie is when he knocks on the door. Opening it, he catches Richie with an unlit cigarette dangling from between his lips and a lighter halfway to his mouth. </p>
<p>Richie blinks at him, looking like a teenager caught in a school bathroom.</p>
<p>“Richie!” Eddie berates, stomping over, pulling the cigarette from his mouth. “I’m not going to lecture you about how fucking stupid this is, because you should fucking know it by now, and you know you shouldn’t be doing it inside, but for the record I’m not putting my face anywhere near yours if you’ve been smoking. Least you can do is wait until I’m gone.”</p>
<p>“Hey, Eds,” Richie smiles at him, tucking the lighter away. </p>
<p>“Look, I know you’re nervous-”</p>
<p>“Yeah, no shit.” </p>
<p>“But your new material-”</p>
<p>“Has never been tested out? Isn’t written by professionals? Has a bunch of gay jokes? And who the fuck knows what my fanbase even is anymore-” his fingers ruffle his hair nervously as he begins to pace. </p>
<p><em> “You’re </em> a professional,” Eddie reminds him. “And you ran through it with Jason, it’s not entirely untested, dude. He wouldn’t let you do it if he wasn’t confident in you. Anyway, I thought that was the whole point? See how it goes. Build something for a tour off of it?” Grabbing his shoulders, he stops him to tuck the cigarette into Richie’s jacket pocket. “Come ‘ere,” he pulls Richie’s head down and kisses him. “You’re gonna be great. And if you’re not then we can hide away from everyone and I’ll fuck your brains out until you forget about it, okay?”</p>
<p>Richie laughs against his lips, “You say that now. Might change your mind after you hear my set.”</p>
<p>“What’s that supposed to mean?” Eddie pulls away, brow lowered, studying Richie’s faux innocent smile.</p>
<p>Richie bites his bottom lip.</p>
<p>“Richie, what the hell does that mean?”</p>
<p>He shrugs.</p>
<p>“Fuck, dude. You better not be too much of an ass to me up there or you’re not seeing my dick, like, for a month.” Eddie’s phone buzzes in his pocket and he pulls it out to see a message from Bev.</p>
<p>“It’s-” Richie shrugs again, not even trying to contain his smile as he waves his hand in the air noncommittaly.</p>
<p>“I should have listened to it before. Why did I give you free reign and just assume I could trust you to make adult decisions?”</p>
<p>Leaning in to give him a quick kiss him, Richie pulls away to say, “If you’ve changed your mind I literally have fuck all material for tonight.”</p>
<p>“No!” Eddie insists, “No, it’s okay. I trust you.”</p>
<p>“I can run through it now if you want to hear-”</p>
<p>“It’s okay. Really. Don’t worry about me. You’re gonna be great.” Swiping open the screen of his phone he quickly reads the message from Bev. “The guys are getting here. I should probably go meet them.”</p>
<p>“Drinks are on me tonight. Get plastered so you enjoy yourself and don’t murder me after the show.”</p>
<p>“Hey, between you and me, <em> I’m </em>not the murderer here. Remember that time you killed a guy?” </p>
<p>Rolling his eyes, Richie says, “Yeah. Thanks for reminding me about skull splitting brains everywhere right before I go on stage.”</p>
<p>“Anytime,” Eddie smiles, kissing him one last time. “Break a leg!”</p>
<p>As Eddie leaves the room he sees Richie begin to pace, pulling the cigarette out of his pocket. Smiling to himself, Eddie weaves through the rooms backstage until he finds himself in the main auditorium. </p>
<p>It’s a smaller venue than what Richie is probably used to, with tables set up on the main floor and a balcony with seats above. Eddie spots the Losers immediately, exchanging hugs near reserved tables by the front of the stage. Swallowing back his nerves, he approaches them.</p>
<p>“Eddie!” Stan calls out, rushing over, embracing him tightly. </p>
<p>Exhaling in relief, Eddie smiles up at him, “Good to see you, man. You look good.”</p>
<p>Stan pats his once injured body, “All healed up. You remember Patty.” </p>
<p>He hasn’t seen her since the hospital in Derry. She pulls him into a tight embrace as they share hellos. </p>
<p>Bev is next, “Hey, weiner cousin!”</p>
<p>“Oh my god,” Eddie tries to hide his face in Bev’s hair as she hugs him. “Never say that again, please.”</p>
<p>Ben laughs quietly at Eddie’s dismay before he hugs him, followed by Mike and Bill. The whole group together again, with no threat of death, except Eddie’s from embarrassment. But he feels good.</p>
<p>They sit at their table and it’s easy. It’s always easy with them. </p>
<p>A waitress carrying a tray of drinks clears her throat, “Alright, these from Mr. Tozier, I cannot state that enough. Bev?” She’s reading from a piece of paper.</p>
<p>Bev says, “That’s me.”</p>
<p>“This is the name of the drink. He says I have to <em> announce </em> them,” the waitress sets a drink from her tray in front of her. “A Redheaded Slut.” The group laughs, as she asks next, “Ben?” </p>
<p>He raises his hand, “Now I’m nervous.” </p>
<p>“Alright, you get the Eye Candy Cocktail. I can see why,” the waitress winks.</p>
<p>“Oh my god,” Bev smiles, squeezing Ben’s arm as he shakes his head.</p>
<p>“Stan?”</p>
<p>“Here,” he lifts a hand apprehensively.</p>
<p>“For you we have the Dirty Bird. Who is Mike?” The waitress asks next. </p>
<p>Groaning, Mike says, “Yep.”</p>
<p>“The Mind Eraser,” she places the drink in front of him. “I feel like that one might be an inside joke. “Bill? I think I know you, I love your books - the Hollywood Martini.” Her tray still has three drinks on it. She reads her note, “Okay, so you must be Patty then? Alright, he says the rest are for Eddie in name only, but you can pick your favorite. Also, drinks are on him all night long so order what you want.” She points to Eddie and he can feel his stomach drop. “Eddie?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” he confirms tentatively. </p>
<p>“Okay.” Placing the first one she says, “For you we have a Blow Job-” </p>
<p>“Oh, really?” Eddie laughs, shaking his head, he can feel his face heat up.<br/><br/>Everyone laughs as she takes the next one, “A Cocksucking Cowboy, and-” she puts the final drink in front of him, “Sit On My Face. Once again, these are from Richie, not me.”   </p>
<p>Bev pats his shoulder as Eddie hangs his head, laughing, face red. Eddie can appreciate the gag even though they end up exchanging drinks around the table. They talk and laugh easily and Eddie barely notices the time pass before the lighting changes.</p>
<p>He looks around the auditorium and finds that it’s nearly a full house. Pulling out his phone he quickly texts Richie.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Eddie: Love you, man. You’re gonna do great tonight! Can’t wait to sit on your face. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’s surprised when he gets a reply.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em> Richie: Aww, you got my gifts </em>❤</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Eddie: You made Ben blush. Stop talking to me! Get ready for your show </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em> Richie: </em>😘</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Have you heard any of it?” Ben leans in, asking Eddie in a hushed voice.</p>
<p>“Hell no! I didn’t want to know shit,” he replies.<br/><br/>“You don’t know any of it?” Bill asks.</p>
<p>Eddie shrugs, “He’s been nervous as hell since Jason arranged this. I didn’t want to put any extra pressure on him. Fuck,” Eddie closes his eyes, “you’re gonna make me be sincere. He’s been dealing with the backlash of coming out publicly and it’s all been a lot. People have mostly been good, but with Myra and everything, it’s been stressful. This is the first chance he’s had to be authentic in his entire career. I’m not going to hold him back from that.”</p>
<p>Bill squeezes his shoulder reassuringly, but before anyone has a chance to respond the lights dim. Chatter from the audience dies down until the spotlight appears. Applause thunders throughout the theater. Bill whistles loudly as Richie takes the stage.</p>
<p>Eddie's own heart is racing and he knows how nervous Richie is, but he appears calm and cool, waving to people in the audience. He’s changed into a casual black blazer with a dark shirt and jeans. His hair is less disheveled than when he’d seen him in his dressing room and Eddie can’t help smiling at him coming alive under the spotlight. </p>
<p>Bev grabs his hand and squeezes it gently. Eddie smiles back at her and looks around the table to the love and support outpouring from his friends. His heart clenches to see them all gathered around the table, happy and alive, but it hurts to know that he had forgotten them for so long. </p>
<p>Richie steps up to the mic, pulling it from the stand, “Hi, everyone! Hey.” He points and waves to a section to the right. “Hello, New York!” He calls out and the auditorium cheers loudly. He continues, “Wow. I didn’t think anyone was gonna show.” Laughter rings throughout the theater as he continues, “Yeah, I had a few concerns about that, what with the whole, tanking my career thing. Coming out these days shouldn’t impact your job, you know? But I built mine around my imaginary girlfriend, so-”</p>
<p>The audience laughs.</p>
<p>“Right? So, now I have to write about my boyfriend. Change the stereotypes a bit.” </p>
<p>Eddie ducks his head in his hands and he feels Bill pat his back sympathetically.</p>
<p>Richie puts on a serious face, “If you thought I was going to gloss over that whole thing about how much I love sucking cock, you’re wrong. Get out now, because I’m gonna talk about my sex life tonight.”</p>
<p>“Ha, Eddie,” Stan kicks Eddie’s leg under the table playfully.</p>
<p>“Shut up, Stan! What are you, twelve?” Eddie replies.</p>
<p>Richie continues, “So, for many reasons, tonight’s gonna be a little different from what you have come to expect of me. It’s therapy night, I’m telling you upfront. It’s not going to be a normal show. I’m going to bear my heart for you all. There could be tears. Hopefully there will be some laughs.” He pauses and says, “That’s your cue-” The audience supplies the laughter. “Thank you. If you don’t laugh for me I’m gonna have to beg my boyfriend to, and he doesn’t think I’m funny at all. It’ll be pathetic really. He laughs <em> at </em> me, not <em> with </em> me. You can do either, I don’t give a fuck. I don’t have to wake up next to you. He makes sure to tell me I’m a dumbass.”</p>
<p>The audience <em> awws </em> and Richie says, “Hear that, Eddie. They’re taking <em> my </em> side tonight.” Richie walks along the stage, “As some of you may know by a very public invasion of privacy, I started dating recently, which is actually a first for me. You’re gonna hear a lot about my firsts tonight so buckle up. This is my first relationship though. I’m a man in my forties and this is the first time I’ve ever been in a real relationship. Not to be confused with the first time I had sex. The first time I had sex was a disaster. I know there are a couple of you in the audience tonight who’ve been waiting for this story for over twenty years, so this one’s for you assholes.”</p>
<p>Eddie’s eyes light up as he smiles wide at Bev. He was expecting material about him, but he wasn’t expecting this. She shakes her head with a smile and quickly takes a drink.</p>
<p>“We were eighteen,” Richie continues, “Pretending to be drunk after a high school dance. The most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life somehow agreed to go to a high school dance with me. She actually said yes. She said yes on the condition that I buy her a couple packs of cigarettes, so she was my kind of gal. Or she would have been if I could keep it up longer than two minutes. Spoiler alert! My gay dick was <em> not </em> interested.” </p>
<p>Eddie can hear a catcall among the laughter in the crowd.</p>
<p>“The thing about being gay in the Nineties is that you could realistically fucking die for that shit, right? You still can. I was just back in my hometown not long ago and someone did just a few months ago. But it was worse back then. Back then if you were gay you didn’t say shit about it because that would get you killed. And despite all my self loathing, I actually like being alive.</p>
<p>“So, if you’re closetted and gay in the Nineties what do you do? You pretend to watch <em> Speed </em> for Sandra Bullock. You take notes watching scrambled porn in case anyone quizzes you about the clitoris. Then- you quiz your friends about the clitoris. I teased them mercilessly when they didn’t know shit about pleasing a woman.”</p>
<p>Eddie’s eyes crinkle at the corner, shaking his head with smile.</p>
<p>“<em>And </em> when you’re gay in the Nineties you invite the hottest girl you know to the dance because you don’t realize how far out of your league she is. It looks like confidence but really it’s ignorance. It’s easy to talk to girls if you don’t give a shit about fucking them, right?” </p>
<p>Richie starts walking the stage, “High school dances, man. My biggest concern was that the love of my life was going to this dance with a date of his own. A date who was <em> not </em> me. A date who <em> definitely </em> didn’t have a dick. The love of my life- and I’m not using that term facetiously, by the way. I am literally talking about the person I’ve been in love with for nearly thirty years. You guys all think this relationship came out of nowhere but I’ve been in love with him for almost thirty years. I won’t talk about his short-shorts that he wore back then, or the double fanny packs he carried everywhere, or the fact that this is the same person responsible for my entire sexual awakening-” </p>
<p>Hanging his head, Eddie laughs to himself along with the crowd.</p>
<p>“But I knew way back then what he was to me. <em> He </em> didn’t know yet. He still needed to figure some shit out. But <em> I </em> knew.” Richie bites his lip as he walks the stage. “I don’t really believe in soulmates, but if I did, Eddie would be my soulmate.” </p>
<p>The audience coos and <em> awws </em>and Eddie feels his own heart swell as he fights the blush creeping up warm on his cheeks. </p>
<p>“Aww, Eddie,” Bev smiles sincerely at him.</p>
<p>“No, stop,” Richie bats his hand. “I don’t even mean it in a cheesy romantic way. Even platonically, we were meant to be together and everyone back then knew it. It wasn’t even a secret. Well, everyone except Eddie knew because my fucking dumbass soulmate is going to the spring dance with a <em> girl. </em> But it’s alright. It’s the Nineties. I’ll give him a pass.” </p>
<p>Richie turns to their table and winks at Eddie. His heart is pounding hard in his chest watching Richie in his element. All the nerves from the room backstage have vanished and he’s doing what he does best while a theater full of people cheer and laugh along.</p>
<p>“So, obviously <em> I </em> can’t go alone, right? And the cocky little jackass that I was, I ask this girl out without a second thought. And she actually says yes! That one’s on her. She knows what I look like and she still said yes. What the fuck, right?” <br/><br/>Eddie watches as Ben, grinning, leans over and whispers something to Bev. She smiles sweetly in return and gives him a peck on the lips. </p>
<p>“After the dance we got drunk,” Richie says. “She has eyes. She saw my pouty ass at the dance so she asked, ‘Richie, why were you so sad?’ And in a case of the worst verbal diarrhea a queer boy in the Nineties could ever have, I told her I was gay. I blurted out the whole fucking thing like I hadn’t been hoarding it for years. It felt like I was ripping out my heart, waiting for her to step on it and laugh at me. And, not only did I tell her I was gay, I admitted I was fucking crazy over this <em> guy </em> and I had just watched him with his tongue down this girl’s throat for three hours! I was KO’d man. My heart was broken.” </p>
<p>Eddie’s own heart aches at the memory. He recognizes now how jealous he was that Bev got to dance with Richie. He didn’t understand it at the time, Richie was right, he had shit to figure out. But he wishes more than anything he would have figured it out sooner. Maybe if he had he could have been braver and told Richie how he felt. Maybe they never would have forgotten each other. </p>
<p>“She was the first person I ever came out to,” Richie continues. “I was terrified out of my mind because I didn’t know what the fuck she was gonna do or what she was going to say. It was the Nineties, remember. It wasn’t the norm to thank me for liking dick. <em> ‘Oh, you’re gay? Thank you. Thank you for informing me you suck cock. Thank you for telling me.’ </em> ” He pauses for the laughter, “No, the first thing she said to me after that was, <em> ‘We should have sex.’ </em>” </p>
<p>Richie pulls a face to the crowd. <em>“'</em> <em> We should have sex,’ </em> ” he repeats. “Yeah. I wouldn’t believe it either. But it’s true. It was <em> her </em> idea.”</p>
<p>Eddie leans in now, exclaiming in a hushed voice, “Beverly Marsh!” </p>
<p>She shrugs back, biting her lip with a smile, “You remember how hot he was!”</p>
<p>“Now, I don’t want to kink shame anyone,” Richie says. “I’m not here for that tonight. But I think this girl has a soft spot for vulnerable weirdos. You should see who she’s dating now.” Richie smiles to himself, “That’s actually an inside joke because her boyfriend is a male model looking motherfucker who could kick my ass in a second and I would thank him for it.”</p>
<p>It’s dark in the theater but Eddie can practically feel Ben blush.</p>
<p>Taking a deep breath, Richie says, “Alright, back to my ethereal goddess. I’m not going into details, you perverted fucks. I will say I lost my boner having sex with one of the most beautiful women in the world. I had to imagine she was my best friend the two minutes I was inside her just to keep it up. And it still ended with both of us being extremely dissatisfied and disappointed in my limp dick.” Richie pauses for the audience, “Really? Cheering my limp dick? Thanks for the support.” He laughs and continues, “Look, I did give her the heads up, though. I told her I was gay, so her expectations should have been extremely low. Then again, I think her expectations of boys our age was already low. I was the only one of our friends that knew what the hell the clit was and I’m the gay one.”</p>
<p>“As far as first times go, it really wasn’t that bad. I got a lot of firsts out of the way, that night. My first time coming out, first time having sex. The first time I was absolutely <em> positive </em> that I was gay. Because, before that I could still pretend, right? No pretending after that. At least not to myself. Took another twenty some years to come out of the closet. But bitches, I’m here and I’m queer!” </p>
<p>The crow cheers loudly.</p>
<p>“The Agenda gets royalties every time one of us says that,” Richie smiles. “But <em> now </em> I’m in my forties and I have my very first boyfriend. Neither one of us have a problem keeping it up, by the way.” Richie winks to the crowd. “For those of you who care, which is way too many of you if the content of my DMs is any indication. Okay, so anyway, Stan and Eddie that one was for you.”</p>
<p>Bev swats at Eddie’s arm, he only offers a laugh in return.</p>
<p>Richie pauses as the laughter dies down, then smiles shyly into the audience, “Do you ever have something you want to say but know you’re going to pay for it later?” </p>
<p>Someone in the audience yells, “Say it!”</p>
<p>Eddie’s stomach leaps in anticipation.</p>
<p>“Oh, I’m going to,” Richie nods with a smile. “I’m just marinating in the aura of his anxiety from here. Because I haven’t really talked directly about him yet and I know he’s waiting for it.” </p>
<p>“Oh shit,” Eddie buries his face in his hands.</p>
<p>Richie bites his lip before saying, “Fuck it. He doesn’t know what this means so it’ll be okay as long as nobody tells him. I can trust you guys not to say anything, right?” The audience cheer and Eddie can see Richie take a deep breath before he says, “So, my boyfriend is what the kids call ‘a spinner.’”</p>
<p>Laughter erupts as well as loud catcalls and whistles throughout the audience.</p>
<p>“Oh my god,” Bev puts her head in her hands.</p>
<p>“What’s that mean? What the fuck does that mean?” Eddie asks, then quickly takes out his phone.</p>
<p>“He’s probably looking that up on his phone right now,” Richie laughs to himself. “He’s a spinner. He’s 5’ 9. High strung and uptight as hell, so I started calling him my <em> fidget spinner </em>.”</p>
<p>The crowd is laughing the loudest Eddie’s heard all night as he navigates to find the definition. </p>
<p>Richie continues, “He thought I was teasing him about his neurosis, but let me tell you, that man can ride a cock.”</p>
<p>“Jesus Christ,” Eddie drops his phone on the table. It’s easy enough to figure out what Richie’s talking about so he hangs his head in his hands instead.</p>
<p>“Just wait until you hear the story about why I call him my little Muppet,” Richie says and the audience roars.</p>
<p>When it calms down, Eddie calls out, “Fuck you, Richie!”</p>
<p>“Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. You’re great at it.” Richie’s smile widens and he says, “That was him, by the way. That’s our love language. I embarrass him, he tells me to fuck off, then we awkwardly excuse ourselves from whatever public function we’re at to fuck the sexual tension away.” </p>
<p>Eddie’s face hurts from smiling so hard, and he rubs it to hide his embarrassment. </p>
<p>Richie pauses for the crowd to quiet down, “It’s gonna be <em> wild </em>tonight. Stay out of the dressing room. You guys think that’s a joke, but it’s not. People see us arguing and think we sneak away to discreetly resolve our ‘issues’ when really I need him to suck me off because I can’t hide the raging boner I have from him being so mean to me.”</p>
<p>Slouching low in the chair, Eddie shakes his head in his hands, fighting a smile. Bev is rubbing his arm sympathetically but when he peeks out behind his fingers it’s only to witness all his friends laughing at him. “Fuck you guys!” He rubs his face, laughing.<br/><br/>“Sounds like that’s Richie’s job,” Stan says.</p>
<p>Some old part of Eddie wonders if he should be mortified by what Richie's saying, but for once he can't be bothered. The crowd is cheering and laughing, Richie's won them over, and Eddie feels nothing but love and pride for him.</p>
<p>Richie laughs from the stage, “He’s probably dying over there right now and just knowing that is giving me a semi. I’m really off script right now. You thought you were getting a comedy show but you paid for some weird residual teenage mating ritual where I embarrass the fuck out of my crush and hope he likes me back. I’m telling you, it works. As long as your crush has the same childhood trauma as you.”</p>
<p>“I’m gonna kill him,” Eddie crosses his arms in a pout. He’s not upset, not even a little, but he’s still embarrassed. </p>
<p>“I think Richie’s looking forward to it,” Mike teases back.</p>
<p>Richie doesn’t say much more about Eddie after that, moving on to other topics. Overall, it is mostly painless for Eddie but he’s still going to give Richie shit about it when his set is over. And unfortunately it’s over too fast.  </p>
<p>To end the show, Richie says with a wink, “And you can call me anytime, Keanu Reeves! Goodnight, New York!” Then he bows to the thundering applause. The Losers stand and cheer, whistling as he waves at them, blowing a kiss to their table. He takes a few more minutes to bask in the roar of the audience before returning to the depths of the darkness off stage. </p>
<p>Eddie and the gang stay at their table, waiting for the theater to empty.</p>
<p>“Fuck,” Eddie sighs with a smile to himself. </p>
<p>“Is that on the agenda in the next thirty minutes?” Bev asks with a knowing smile.</p>
<p>“Jesus, I’m gonna fucking kill him,” Eddie shakes his head.</p>
<p>“You loved it,” Bill smiles, patting him on the back.</p>
<p>He really did.</p>
<p>Once the theater clears out, they stand and walk closer to the stage. Eddie finds someone to bring them back to Richie’s dressing room. He doesn’t give Richie a chance to come to the door after they knock. He throws it open with a huff to see Richie staring back in surprise from the sudden intrusion.</p>
<p>“YOU!” Eddie yells, pointing at him.</p>
<p>“Oh, shit!” Richie tries to duck around a coffee table, but it’s too late. Eddie runs at him and tackles him onto the couch behind him. “My back!” Richie calls out, but he’s laughing.</p>
<p>Eddie allows him to move enough so he can sit. Straddling his lap, he kisses him before he grabs his chin and demands, “Keanu Reeves?”</p>
<p>“Hey guys,” Richie squeaks out, waving meekly to the rest of the crew filtering into the room.</p>
<p>Eddie lets go of his jaw and continues, “You don’t get a celebrity pass if you’re a celebrity.”</p>
<p>“Do I get an Average Dude pass?” Richie asks.</p>
<p>“Yeah, it’s Ben,” Eddie waves behind him. He kisses him once more before climbing out of Richie’s lap.</p>
<p>“Yeah, okay. That’s fair,” Richie nods, standing from the couch.</p>
<p>“Do I get a say in this?” Ben asks.</p>
<p>“No,” Eddie and Richie answer at the same time.</p>
<p>“I want to watch,” Bev teases.</p>
<p>Richie walks to her with his arms open, “Bev, babe, you get to join!” He wraps his arms around her tightly before hugging the rest of the group.</p>
<p>“Because that worked out so well last time?” Eddie asks.</p>
<p>“Oh! That reminds me!” Richie walks over to the vanity. Digging through boxes he grabs a balled up fabric and throws it to Bev. </p>
<p>Shaking loose the T-shirt she reads, “<em> ‘Dick Tozier Fanclub.’ </em> Awe, Richie. I will cherish this forever.”</p>
<p>Richie winks at Eddie, “Yours is at home.”</p>
<p>“Hey! The rest of us don’t get free merch?” Ben asks.</p>
<p>With a wide grin, Richie says, “Haystack, <em> you </em> most certainly do. But this is a special kind of fanclub, only for those intimately acquainted with my dick. So you’re gonna have to earn it.”</p>
<p>Ben groans, “Okay, I should have known better.”</p>
<p>They all laugh, teasing Ben. </p>
<p>Eddie raises an eyebrow suggestively at Richie who finally says, “Okay, okay. I need to change and shit. Text me and Eds the bar we’re meeting up at and we’ll-”</p>
<p>“Fuck in the dressing room before meeting up with us?” Mike offers with a knowing smile.</p>
<p>“Okay. No. That’s not-” Richie tries.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Eddie says, interrupting, “Now get the fuck out.”</p>
<p>Their friends groan and complain but shout “Congratulations!” as they leave the room. </p>
<p>Richie locks the door behind them and turns nervously, “So?”</p>
<p>“My face fuckin’ hurts from laughing all night.”</p>
<p>“Really?”</p>
<p>“Yes, dude. Come on. You heard everyone. The audience- they loved it.”</p>
<p>“Here and like, LA. I don’t know know if the Midwest will-”</p>
<p>“Shh!” Eddie quiets Richie, kissing him. “Worry about the tour later. Enjoy the success of the night now.” </p>
<p>They don’t completely fuck in Richie’s dressing room, not disrobing enough for Eddie’s satisfaction, much to his frustration. Eddie does fall to his knees and gets Richie in his mouth as quickly as he can, with the thundering applause still echoing in his mind as he works him through it. There’s a rush of adrenaline surging through his veins, knowing how admired and talented Richie is. Watching him perform, witnessing what he does best, Eddie had been half hard all night. </p>
<p>Eddie makes him promise to take care of him when they get home. <em> Their </em> home, even if not for much longer. </p>
<p>When Richie finally has his things collected and he’s said his goodbyes to everyone at the venue, Eddie drives them to the bar to meet their friends where they talk and laugh and plan the next few days of their lives. Eddie’s heart feels full being free to hold Richie’s hand in public and kiss when the mood strikes. They keep their displays of affection sparse, but knowing he can makes all the difference. <br/><br/></p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>Richie</strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The time it takes for Richie’s job on the show to end is far too short. He’d been dreading the day he’d need to begin packing because that means Eddie would as well. They’d discussed their plans. They’d agreed on it. But Richie can’t help but feel that Eddie’s fucking up his whole life, and for what? For <em> him? </em> For everything Myra has thrown at them, Richie has to admit that she hit dead on with his overwhelming fear that Eddie will wake up one day and realize he’s made a mistake.</p>
<p>“You really want to do this?” Richie asks, crossing his arms, eyeing Eddie carefully in the bedroom.</p>
<p>Eddie pulls a handful of clothing hanging in the closet they’ve been sharing for over two months.  “Don’t you fucking dare tell me you changed your mind. I put in my notice, Richie. I don’t have a job anymore.”</p>
<p>“No,” Richie sighs. “I just mean, it’s kind of a big deal, isn’t it?”</p>
<p>“Dude, I left my wife for you. I’m homeless and jobless because of you. So, yeah, I guess moving across the country is a big deal but not any bigger than the rest of that shit.”</p>
<p>Richie doesn’t want to ask, he’s terrified of the answer, but his insecurity pours out before he has a chance to bite his tongue, “What if you hate it?” </p>
<p>“Then I’ll feel the same as I always have about living in New York, only I’ll be getting fucked harder and have a tan,” Eddie says easily.</p>
<p>Richie’s brow unfurrows at that and the corner of his mouth twitches up.</p>
<p>“Anyway, you said you didn’t want to live here, right?” Eddie continues. “So, are you telling me you want to try long distance? Are <em> you </em> having second thoughts?”</p>
<p>“No! That’s definitely not what I’m saying. I just don’t want you to hate me and feel like you made the biggest mistake of your life moving out there.”</p>
<p>Throwing empty hangers on the bed, Eddie walks over to Richie, “I’m gonna let you in on a little secret, Tozier. I don’t really have regrets.”</p>
<p>Richie scoffs audibly, unable to hide his smirk.</p>
<p>“Shut up! I mean, okay. That’s not <em> entirely </em> true,” Eddie concedes. “I definitely regret not going on tour with you after Derry because watching you on stage totally gets me hard. And like, maybe I regret my whole career choice and not telling you how I felt about you back in high school. Marrying Myra wasn’t the best idea, but the point is-” Eddie shakes his head, “All of that brought us here, right? And I was ready to move across the country for you after the first semester of college. I knew then that I wanted to be with you.” Walking over, he grabs Richie’s hands and holds onto them, looking up he says, “What happened to us, losing our memories like that, it fucked everything up but we’re still here at the end. We’re together. That’s all I care about.”</p>
<p>Richie’s eyes burn at the tears threatening to fall. He nods quickly, agreeing but not trusting his voice to work enough to speak. The lump in the back of his throat is persistent and unrelenting. </p>
<p>Eddie pulls him into a kiss and Richie feels it all. The summers in the quarry. The sewers and biking through town out of breath. The sweat on his brow in the heat of late July and the way Eddie tasted back then, just as he does now, all colliding into him. The feeling of anxiety suddenly breaks way for excitement. </p>
<p>When they part, Richie says, “I think we should revisit the part where you get a boner watching me on stage.”</p>
<p>“Biggest fuckin’ boner, dude. Gets me so hard.”</p>
<p>“Yeah?” Richie tries to tease, but it’s impossible with Eddie playing along.</p>
<p>“Everyone watching you. Cheering for you. But I know that I’m the one that gets to fuck you at night. So fuckin’ hot, Richie.” He walks him backwards to the bed, pushing Richie down, then climbs into his lap. “Back before I remembered, I watched a few of your specials and I hated your old material by the way-”</p>
<p>“Yeah, destroy my ego, Eds,” Richie smirks. </p>
<p><em> “But-” </em> Eddie continues pointedly, “I think I used to kind of get off on them too. It used to make me so fucking- <em>frustrated.</em> I’d see you and I think part of me always knew. Always remembered what we were, even if I didn’t realize it.” </p>
<p>Pressing against him, Eddie meets his lips, and Richie licks into his mouth enough to taste him as he lies back. Eddie blankets himself over him and Richie feels the long line of how hard he is against his leg.  </p>
<p>“Jesus Christ,” Richie says, dazed as Eddie lifts his head up. “You’re so out of my league. It’s insane you want to be anywhere near me.”</p>
<p>“I can’t believe you honestly think that.”</p>
<p>“It’s the truth,” he shrugs easily. </p>
<p>With a firm grip, Eddie grabs his jaw and forces his head to the side, then licks up his neck and places teasingly soft kisses along it. “Your jaw drives me fucking wild, you know that? And your thighs? Holy fuck, Richie. Your thighs-” Eddie ruts against him. “I catch myself staring at them when you’re sitting on the couch. They’re so firm and strong and I love stradling my legs around them.”</p>
<p>Richie moans at the friction as Eddie continues to suck and kiss along his neck, biting hard enough to make him gasp. </p>
<p>“Promise me you’ll never let me hold you back?” Richie asks, quietly and with too much sincerity.</p>
<p>“What do you mean?” Eddie presses his lips gently along the pulse of his neck.</p>
<p>“If someone better comes along, if you’re not happy with me- I just want you to be happy, Eds.” </p>
<p>Lifting his head, Eddie sighs, “Richie, the happiest I’ve ever been in my whole life is when I’m with you. <em> Because </em> I’m with you. I’m not going to regret moving to California. You’re not holding me back from anything. You’re the only person who makes me feel free.”</p>
<p>“You’re gonna fuck me, right?’</p>
<p>“That what you want? We’re supposed to be packing.”</p>
<p>“The movers can pack.”</p>
<p>“The movers are not coming within ten feet of my suits, Richard.”</p>
<p>“What do you think of <em> me </em>coming within ten feet of those suits, Edward?” Richie grins wildly.</p>
<p>“I take back every nice thing I’ve ever said about you,” Eddie says as he leans up to help pull Richie’s shirt off.</p>
<p>They both quickly scramble out of their clothing and push their hard work of packing to the floor, now forgotten as they find themselves in one another. Eddie working him open, stretching him, making him burn and writhe beneath the weight of him. Pushing in as he rambles incoherently his love. Richie hears every word. He feels it. He believes it. And by the time they’re done, Richie’s aching in the best way possible. He finally feels like the life he and Eddie are creating together is the only one they were meant to live.</p>
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